Author Topic: There it is  (Read 11473 times)

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2016, 07:50:54 PM »
Why can't we hate each other?  Why can't there be hard feelings and animosity?  Why can't I be angry so that I can curse her memory , for now, and move on.  I would rather get over anger and remember that I love her than try to get over love and just feel this emptiness.

No more communication.   Yet my whole FB page is her.   Some of it I think veiled messages to be about healing and being happy.  About how life is what we make it and if we decide to be happy you can be happy.

So besides not texting or emailing.  Besides not seeing her live her life on Facebook, do I not read her blog either?  It is a public blog, not directed at me.  So what if it is talking about how she was crying on her living room floor.  That is was over something mundane but just the emotional turmoil of the last few weeks has worn her down.  But that despite the current pain she would do it all again for all she has learned and experienced.

Do I count down the days to 90.  Waiting eagerly as each day goes by, one more day closer to when I can talk to her again?

Do I even want to talk to her again.  Well, of course I do  I miss her and I love her.  But will it do any good to talk to her again?  If contact resumes it will be as "friends", not as lovers or even as people who love each other so dearly.  And if we can't maintain the "friend" status then maybe not talk at all anymore.  Why set myself up for the next round of pain because the idea that I can be just friends with her is ridiculous.   Possibly if I find someone else to share my life with in the next 3 months then I can appreciate what she did for me in our time together.  Maybe I will be able to thank her for being the catalyst to find whoever the new person is.

Mizpah

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Re: There it is
« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2016, 08:37:19 AM »
She says my wife brought us together so she could open my heart again.  She claims a sensitivity to emotions that can really bother her.   She finally told me last night that after every time we were together she had to do her little rituals to get the negativity out of her house and off of her.  That my negativity really affected her, but she loved me so much that it was something she put up with.

Huh?  This sounds manipulative.  This wouldn't sit well with me.  Maybe one day you WILL feel some anger, and less sadness.  (If I were you, I already would just based on the above.)

As for breakups in general, no contact always makes for faster healing.  Maybe un-following her on FB could be a good idea (and F her blog!).  I'm not spiritual at all, but during my worst breakup (when the man I was with for 8 years cheated on me and I had to rebuild a life), I chanted in my head almost like a mantra, "He is irrelevant.  I am my center."  Because in breakups we do what you're doing - count down to the next contact, think about being friends, etc., etc.  It's natural.  It's that emotional desperation to still be an "us," to still have an "us" with that person.  But recentering is the only thing that ends that pain.  It takes time.  It takes emotional pain.  It doesn't help that losing her brings you right back to widowhood and that initial emptiness, and probably compounds it.  It sucks.  I'm sorry. 

Edited because I can't stop thinking about how she tried to say that your wife brought you two together.  If anyone ever tried to invoke DH without knowing it was absolutely cool by me, ....  It's just not ok.  It's f'ed up.  I don't even know you, or your late wife, or this woman, but I'm getting angrier the more I think about this.  It sounds like this woman is very sensitive to her own experience and very insensitive to others'.  It's basic human relations 101 to know you don't say $h!t like this to a widow(er). 
« Last Edit: August 17, 2016, 10:35:52 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Captains wife

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Re: There it is
« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2016, 09:51:17 AM »
Someone once said to me that every relationship teaches you something and I think I believe that. I understand the initial pain of the break up and sometimes it is best that the partner is out of your life completely - or maybe somehow you are back in each other's lives as acquaintances further down the road (I'm not 100 percent sure about being real friends with exes, especially a very passionate, loving relationship - that can be tough). But I can promise you this - reading her blog, any texting, even seeing her on FB are all things that will set you back and may bring you back in. When my tumultuous almost 2yr relationship with my ex ended in Jan (we loved each other but it wasn't a good match for certain reasons) as hard as it was I directly told him to not contact me (as he was randomly texting me) and I deleted him off FB, Bloomberg and Linked In. I deleted a bunch our photos. I stopped looking at his Match profile - and all of this helped me focus on myself, my healing and get him out of my space and head. We didn't speak for 5 months (then he randomly texted me a few times). But with the no contact I was feeling better within a few months and now I feel great and I can see the whole   thing with much more clarity (8 months on) and without sadness or anger. 90 days is just a number recommended by professionals - personally no contact for that or longer is a good idea... Wishing you all the best and I'm sorry you are going through this...
« Last Edit: August 17, 2016, 09:54:59 AM by Captains wife »

MrsDan

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Re: There it is
« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2016, 10:10:15 AM »
You sound like how I felt when I and my first-ever girlfriend broke up in college (your High School). It felt like the end of the world but I learned from it and grew up a lot. My soulmate was taken from us 17 months ago, so I know about the emptiness, the sense of loss, sense of incompleteness..but we have two daughters who remind me daily of my soulmate (our young one is a split image of her mum).

Sorry, but the comparison is not apt. It's a very different thing to endure heartbreak once you've started experiencing life through the lens of trauma. Also, I don't recall if mikeeh has children, but I found it very painful when I was chided about the fact that I had my child, as she should be enough to help me through this loss. I'm sorry but she isn't. I feel very guilty about it, but it's the truth. My daughter is very much like my husband and there is comfort in that, there is just as much pain, sometimes even more.


I don't know the circumstances of your break-up, but it can't be as sad as the loss of your wife. I know nothing comes near it for me. You've experienced closeness to someone since your loss: don't let it drag you down. You met someone, go out and meet others. The last thing you need is to feel sorry for yourself and give up...Learn from it.

I've not had a post-loss break up yet, but it seems to me that the two events have the power to compound the trauma of each other. My relationship has been tremendous for me in pulling me out of the ravine of abject despair. the thought of being back in that ravine terrifies me, so I have tremendous sympathy for mikeeh.

That said, and I acknowledge I do not know this woman and have only heard one side, but she sounds like a complete piece of work. Keeping you at arm's length while reeling you in emotionally is not fair and not right. And now she's trying to situate herself as someone who did you a favor? Please. I'm sorry but no. When words do not reflect actions, you don't get to fall back on your words. This reminds me of relationships I've heard of where the other person does all these wonderful things and acts like they are in a full fledged relationship but they refuse to say I love you. And usually the response is, "Oh actions speak louder than words." I mentioned this the other night when my boyfriend and I were discussing us, and got on the subject of relationships in general, and he said, "No, what those people are doing is keeping an "out" for themselves. So that if they decide they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, they can always say, 'Hey I never said I love you!" At the same time, they can justify not saying I love you by doing really good things. In my opinion a relationship should have both. Actions that show love, and words that communicate it and where two people stand with each other. In all likelihood you will learn something  from this experience. Personally, I hope it's you deserve far better than this, because you absolutely do.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

fairlanegirl

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Re: There it is
« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2016, 03:18:29 PM »
Mizpah, you put it well. After 90 days of no-contact this lady will have disappeared entirely up her own backside, so I doubt she could be found anyway. Apologies Mikeeh, no doubt she was lovely, but seems a bit self-centred.

serpico

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Re: There it is
« Reply #20 on: August 17, 2016, 03:43:35 PM »
We can pile on the lady as much as we want, but coming from someone who has been in mikeeh's shoes, trashing her isn't going to help him to heal.  It's raw, it hurts, and it doesn't make sense because it felt so right.  I get it.  I really do.  And despite her flaws she still probably seems like the only one who could make things right - if only she would change her mind/outlook.  And heck - maybe she will and you two will end up together.  However, that's not how it appears right now, so it's probably best to proceed as if you won't see her again.

I do agree with everyone on the no-contact period, though I'm not sure how 90 days got to be the magical number.  It may take a lot more than that before your hide is toughened enough to take another encounter with her.  Mine wasn't, I know that.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

fairlanegirl

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Re: There it is
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2016, 08:42:50 PM »
Yes Serpico, looking back maybe I was a bit harsh, I guess by nature I'm not a fan of the ole facile pop psychology, especially of the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' variety. And I haven't had a breakup since the advent of social media: back then, unless you worked with someone or they were in your immediate circle, it was easy to avoid them and lick your wounds in private.

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2016, 09:35:14 PM »
Thank you all.  Thank you Serpico for defending her, thank you Mrs Dan for validating my experience.  Thank you all for you insight and your history.

I do not have an ounce of anger or hatred for her.  We were together for a few months before she mentioned my wife.  She knew she was on safe ground.  Though I am an atheist and have zero sprituality there is a little bit of me that wants to think that she would hear and speak to my wife and she was okay with it, and actually did bring us together to help me heal and learn how to live again.

I know it is over.  I don't believe all her woo stuff but there was something there.  Even if it is just her fear of relationships.  It was always meant to be temporary.  We were just both surprised by how deep the connection became and I thought it was enough to make a difference, she didn't.

I have un-followed but may have to unfriend.  I still find myself going to see if she posted anything.  To see what she is up to, how she is doing.   

We set the 90 day limit, which I think she did for me when I mentioned that I read it here.   I think that is just to give me a little hope now before I heal enough to realize the reality of the situation.  Even after 3 months contact will only be possible if we do it as friends.  I'm not sure I can do that, even in 3 months.  Even if it means hearing about who she is dating and who she is sleeping with.  I suspect that it is really over and even in three months we will not be able to keep it 'friends' or at least I can't/won't.   I am sure she will be well over me by then.

There is a friend from the board here who has been a great help for me through this.  A fellow widow.  During our 3 hour goodbye on Monday night I mentioned that this friend was helping with texts and messages letting me talk and keeping me company.  My lost love went to my fb and found her and messaged her a thank you for helping me.  She knows how alone I am and how much I am hurting.  To me it was very thoughtful and very loving to do that,  thank her for taking care of me.  maybe I am wrong.

I have never been through this before.  As far as this being not as bad as losing my wife.  I had 5 years to get ready to lose my wife.   I lost her a little at a time over that period to the point that when she did die so much of her had already been gone for a long time.  So yes, this hurts much more than losing my wife.  This was an out of the blue surprise.   Start the day with a few hours of wonderful, intimate sex and next thing I know I am getting pushed out the door for the last time.  Well, not pushed out.  After the sex we went downstairs to talk and the goodbye took over an hour of talking and tears and hugging and tears.

Day  2 without her is over.   Mostly, okay so I cheated a peak at her FB page, I couldn't help it.  I may just have to unfriend her.  I will keep counting like it will make a difference but I fear from what she said to me and what she said to my widow friend that there is no end to this in 90 days.

Thank you all for you input and support.  It helps to know I am not alone.   Even though I am.

Mac

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Re: There it is
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2016, 05:04:38 PM »
mikeeh, sending good thoughts your way. I was married for 28 years. What a whole new world for me = dating and new relationships. So much to experience, combined with all of the other things to go through/experience post loss.

I went out with one woman for 9 months. There were so many great things about her and I thought that she might be "the one." Ultimately, I realized that we weren't a good fit long-term. Even though I knew that breaking up was best, it was still painful and I was tempted to try to reconnect.

I did date some after that. Things went pretty well there. With time and experience I've gotten a better idea of compatibility and what's most important to me. I'm in a relationship now with an incredible woman and we are very compatible.

I hope all the best for you. If things don't work out for you with your ex-girlfriend in the future, I hope that you will find someone that you are mutually compatible with and who is amazing. Best of luck to you!
Grateful for the past. Embracing the present. Trusting in the future.

Justme2

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Re: There it is
« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2016, 10:55:37 AM »
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« Last Edit: September 14, 2016, 11:23:11 PM by Justme2 »

Mizpah

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Re: There it is
« Reply #25 on: August 31, 2016, 01:01:30 PM »
How are you faring, mikeeh? 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2016, 06:40:47 AM »
I would like to say better Mizpah.   Thank you so very much for asking.   It means so much, maybe too much, that someone thought to ask.

I have a wonderful friend from this board, and the old board, who has maybe saved my life (literally??) by being there for me and letting me talk and cry and whine on her shoulder, or her phone.   May be the only thing that has gotten me this far.

I am still in the limbo area of half the time missing her greatly, and half the time missing having someone in my life that cared.   Once you have experienced love like I thought we had it is hard to go without it.

Everything triggers.  The moon when I walk the dog, a smell, a phrase that I use and she jokes about or the way I pronounce some words in my strange US/Canadian accent.    Anything that refers to love or sex in anything I watch, listen to or read.   

The ratio of crying to non crying time is starting to get a little healthier but still feel empty and alone.    I am really just now starting to grasp the idea that it is really over.   I still wait for a text or email telling me it was a mistake, she misses me too much and needs me back.   Just now sinking in and hope dying out that she will do that.   I guess that is progress.

I wish I could look at this from the perspective so many of you have about how she treated me.  My friend says the same thing, that she is manipulative and selfish.   I see it to some degree but just still see her as the wonderful loving woman who made me so happy for 10 months.

I wish I felt better.   I know breathe..but sometimes that is so damn hard to do, literally.   My chest will tighten and I just have a hard time taking a breath.   I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be with someone else.

I just have to get use to the idea of being alone again, and forever.   That is probably the only way I am going to even start to get over this.

Thank you so much for asking though.   It meant a lot to me.   

Abitlost

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Re: There it is
« Reply #27 on: September 01, 2016, 12:08:35 PM »

I wish I could look at this from the perspective so many of you have about how she treated me.  My friend says the same thing, that she is manipulative and selfish.   I see it to some degree but just still see her as the wonderful loving woman who made me so happy for 10 months.

I wish I felt better.   I know breathe..but sometimes that is so damn hard to do, literally.   My chest will tighten and I just have a hard time taking a breath.   I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be with someone else.

I just have to get use to the idea of being alone again, and forever.   That is probably the only way I am going to even start to get over this.

Mikeeh,

I went through an excruciating breakup just over a year ago. We were together 4.5 years and while there was a lot of love between us, there was far too much dysfunction in his life for me to ever consider moving in together (which was what he wanted and why we broke up). Everyone told me I deserved better. There was a collective rejoicing among all my friends when we broke up; they reminded me daily of all his shortcomings and dysfunction (which honestly didn't help, it only made me defend the relationship.) He himself told me I deserved better; someone on this board wrote to me that if a guy tells you you deserve better, believe him because he knows himself better that you will ever know him. Still, I was convinced that love was enough; it took me several painful months to recognize, in fact, that he wasn't good enough and I am SOOOO much better off without him. Now I am greatly relieved to be free of him and look back on it as a very bad, very long mistake but one from which I have learned a lot, such as not to settle or put up with drama and dysfunction. There wasn't anything anyone could say or do, it just took me a long time to take a good, honest look at the relationship and all the negatives to realize they weren't how I wanted to live my life. A lifetime with the wrong person is a dreadfully long time.

It is highly unlikely that you will be alone forever. Once your wounds heal over and you are in a good place to welcome a new, healthy relationship into your life, you will. If nothing else, this experience has shown you that you still have the capacity to love deeply.

abl

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #28 on: September 01, 2016, 07:56:00 PM »
Please don't take this the wrong way Abitlost, I appreciate your input.   At first when I read your response today I was encouraged and enjoyed it.   Then I realized that she could have written that about me.

I don't think her friends are celebrating or high fiving because she ended it with me but they knew it was coming long before I did.  They knew that her being with me was bothering her in some ways and that is was doomed to end.  That she would need to end it.  My dysfunction of sadness, and general attitude towards life and lack of spirituality was bothering her more than she told me until she said good bye. 

This was apparently a topic of discussion for months and it seems it was only an over night trip involving hotel reservations and show tickets is what got it to last as long as it did. 

So she could say the same thing.   She thought she loved me, and maybe she did/does.   But despite that the casual thing that grew into a beautiful, loving, intimate in so many ways, relationship she had to end it and her friends were probably relieved when she did it.   And I would say not happy because I am sure she suffered with the decision and the loss when it happened.   I just don't know anymore how "over it" she is.

I un-followed her on FB for about a week after our final goodbye.   The night our "90 days" started.  Then later that week I sent her a text, just a waving hello emoji.  We reset the 90 days to the day after that, and after a brief discussion she unfriended me "for both of our sakes".   Besides the horrible sound of that term, especially in relations to us, I can no longer cheat and go check out her FB and see what she is up to.

We were "talking" but not talking to each other on FB for that week.  Liking and sharing stuff that was really directed to each other.  One morning when I wasn't sleeping at 3 AM I deliberately shared something so she would see I was up at 3.   Two minutes later she shared something.  She knew I was up because she could see I just shared something.  She did it on purpose, to say hi.  So I said hi.

It is so amazing how similar the feelings are to when I lost my wife 3 years ago.   How much I don't want to "get over it" or stop missing her because then I will have lost more of her.   I have a hard time convincing myself it is really over with no hope of recovery.   When I lose that I lose the only thing I have, and as painful as it is at least it is something.

singinmomo4

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Re: There it is
« Reply #29 on: September 01, 2016, 08:31:27 PM »
I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship Mikeeh.  Loss is always hard.  Go ahead, cry and mourn this loss and just like any other, you will find your way back from it.  ((((hugs))))
Rick, an amazing husband, father, fisherman & fisher of men with a servants heart who served God every day. ReRe, miss your smile & twinkle in your eye.