Author Topic: There it is  (Read 11406 times)

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #90 on: October 31, 2016, 08:47:35 PM »
Thanks for checking AZ. 

If feeling nothing is better than the pain I was feeling before then I guess I am doing better.  Now I just feel empty, hollow, lobotomized, lonely and alone. 

The tears have stopped, for the most part.   I don't think of her as much as I use to. 

I had placed another missed connection post after a very bad day at work.   She saw it and wrote to me basically asking me to stop posting them.  That we will never be what we were and probably neither of us will be satisfied with any form a relationship we might have after the 90 days will be allowed to take.
She wrote that she can't care about me anymore or worry about what I do with my life.   

About a week ago would have been our anniversary.   Both the day we first started to write to each other and a week later for the day we actually met in person for the first time was in the last week or so.   Both of those days passed with no acknowledgement from her in any way.   Probably the smart thing to do but hard on me to accept that she is completely done with me and would prefer I not be in her life at all. 

Part of the numbness the shock of realization that she just doesn't care anymore.  That she can just purge me from her life like that.  Part of it is the new antidepressant I have started on. 

I am not in as much pain as I was in before.  I may not be as sad as I was before but I am not happy.  Just not as sad.   So I guess technically I am doing better.

Thanks for asking.

azjane

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Re: There it is
« Reply #91 on: November 01, 2016, 07:42:11 AM »
I'm glad you checked in and I wish you continued healing. One day at a time... :)

Captains wife

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Re: There it is
« Reply #92 on: November 02, 2016, 07:40:28 AM »
It will continue to get better. Wishing you all the best mikeeh. I know how much this process can hurt - and those responses must have hurt : (

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #93 on: November 29, 2016, 05:36:25 AM »
Hello All,
I thought I would update the situation since it has been awhile.   

First I do want to thank you all for our advice, concern, tolerance and help.

I would have to say I am doing better.   It may be time or it may be the anti-depressants I am on but I am doing fine.   

There has been some recent turmoil that would have destroyed me just a few months ago and now there was nary a tear.  A certain sense of sadness and renewed sense of loss but no tears.

She texted me on election night.  I am really into politics and very liberal so election day wasn't a great day for me.   Not that I was that upset about it, a Hobsons choice between two bad options.  It just so happens the worst one won.  But I wasn't that upset.  She texted I guess because she was concerned that I was upset.   Actually I think she just wanted to talk politics with someone and I was the only one she knew who followed it enough to be able to talk about it.  That upset me coming out of the blue.   Then she texted again in the morning.  The 90 days weren't up but she wanted to talk about politics.   We agreed it was close enough to the 90 days unless she wanted to do a reset. Which I would have been good with actually.   She said no reset and maybe we should get together and talk.   I told her I wasn't ready yet.

Then the 90 days ended.   I wasn't going to reach out because I was not ready.  She wrote that evening.  She said the 90 days is up, that she missed my friendship, that she is there are willing to talk whenever I am ready.  I said thanks but need time.

I didn't know if she was so anxious to meet because she really did miss me or if she wanted to finish this completely with a meeting that resulted in her decision that we couldn't be friends.   Another face to face knife in the heart.

Out of curiosity, and because I do anyways I kept my eye on the missed connections.   About a week ago there was one that showed up that sounded like it could have been her but not as obvious as the other one. She posted an ad talking about how much she missed me.  She is with another guy and he might not be smart enough for her.  She talks to him about the connection we had   How she doesn't think she will ever find that again.  That this guy is okay, he is familiar, comfortable, easy.  But she doesn't like easy.  She sounded very bothered still even though the random connections we made she talked about how good she was doing.

When I knew it was her I wrote again   Saying we needed to talk.  That I am not sure if I could do it but if this is still bothering you so much maybe it was the wrong decision.

She wrote back to me.  Another nasty, vicious, how many times do I have to tell you why it ended and that we cannot be that again.  That the whole post was about missing your friendship.   It is obvious that I have made no progress on my part in getting over her.  That we are done.  We cannot be friends (I knew that 2 months ago), that I can either love her or hate her and neither are conducive to friendship.  So we are done.   She was more vicious I am sure in an attempt to get me mad enough to hate her and be mad at her so I would get over her.   It worked

When I wrote I asked her to not reply that night.   To wait and think about it and not reply until tomorrow.   She said she would.   Then I got up at 12:05 to go to the bathroom and checked my mail.  She replied at 12:01.  Technically tomorrow but obviously no thought.

Well it worked and I got mad.  I turned around and sent her the angry email that has been building up for 4 months.  Then after a night of little or no sleep I sent another one in the morning for all the things I forgot in my haste the night before.   Yes I did include the hubris of someone telling a widower that I have to hurt you to get you to grow.  Like a widower has known no pain, no hurt.

That was right before Thanksgiving.  The start of the holiday season.  The holiday season that starts with the anniversary of my Mother's death the day before Thanksgiving, and will include in the next month my birthday, our anniversary, christmas, and New Years, where we actually had a family tradition.

The day after Thanksgiving I got a box and sent back some of the more personal stuff she had given me.   I included a note that was pretty conciliatory.   Told her that I don't see a day when these  items would give me any comfort or recall any pleasant memories.   I told her I wasn't ready then she is surprised that I am not ready.  I asked if she would hold onto them for me and give them back to me if or when the day comes I am ready .  I said  I didn't mean most of what I wrote and I have to believe that she didn't mean what she said either, at least not in that tone.  That I was sure it hurt her more to write it than it did me to read it.  I asked if it would be okay to reach out if I ever decide I am ready.  That if I don't hear anything then that will be my answer, no.

I have deleted her contact on my phone.  The text history on my phone and the face book message chain we exchanged.   Which breaks my link to her facebook page which I had already not been going to.   Her emails are tucked away in a folder that I would have to look for to get to.   I will just need to tuck her pictures away someplace where I don't stumble on them. 

I told her I had made progress.  That if I had not made progress I would have been a puddle of tears for the past few days, but there have been no tears.   That the unbearable pain has been replaced with emptiness and void.  I refuse to let that void be filled with anger and hatred for her.   So I forgive her and hope she forgives me for what I said.

I am dating   I have had a couple of good dates with some women who were nice, fun, funny, interesting.  I am sure that helps.  I have liked them and they have liked me.   It gives me some hope that there may be someone out there.   But at least I am getting out and not spending the nights home alone in the house.  The dog isn't liking it so much but it is nice to have a night out talking and laughing.

Sorry this is so long.   There seems to have been some genuine concern so I thought I owed you, and wanted to, give you an update.   You have all been so patient to get through all the bad news and turmoil.  I thought you would like a positive update.

Thank you all again

Max2507

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Re: There it is
« Reply #94 on: November 29, 2016, 10:04:32 AM »
Good for you!! Glad to hear things are improving.

SemperFidelis

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Re: There it is
« Reply #95 on: November 29, 2016, 11:58:10 AM »
Thanks for the update. So glad to hear you are feeling and doing much better these days despite the craziness.