Author Topic: First dinner with the inlaws  (Read 1043 times)


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First dinner with the inlaws
« on: August 27, 2016, 07:54:45 PM »
I just got home from a first dinner with my FIL, MIL, BIL, and SIL and I am a wreck.

This dinner was to celebrate my FIL's 71st birthday. When I arrived everybody acted like nothing was different and the family watched A COMEDY together (!!!). I know they were probably trying to distract me and themselves, but it was so hard to watch them act like everything was fine. (Especially when they have been avoiding me because they all know I'm NOT fine)

Then the dinner itself the same table as always. There was a place set at the empty chair beside me, where he always sat. (turns out that setting was for our nephew, who was joining us later). I looked up and there was my beautiful boy, in all his handsome glory, smiling down at me...through the entire meal. (it's a wonder I could eat anything, which is not unusual right now, and how I didn't vomit right there I will never know.)

If all this wasn't enough, my FIL took me into his office alone at the end of the meal to ask me when I was free to go with him and pick a monument.  Although hard to hear, I handled that ok. When he then proceeded to ask me (1) If he and his wife could take some of my DH's ashes to keep in the house with them and  (2) If I intended to inter the box with him, or if I would take the ashes out and only bury those.

Now I am back  in my too empty home, sobbing uncontrollably and trying not to be sick. How can one even attempt to survive this desolate wasteland of their life, with their everything gone, when those who should be feeling the same way are being this cruel.

It feels like I will not survive this... and that might be a blessing as the pain might stop then.

« Last Edit: August 28, 2016, 03:45:35 PM by mbanyard »
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!


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Re: First dinner with the inlaws
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2016, 02:30:02 PM »
Oh it sounds so uncomfortable. Sorry the event was made harder by ending the evening to talk about that burial business. It was a bit too soon but I think maybe they were thinking while you were there anyways in'd be convenient and easier to get it out? It may seem cruel at first for them to bring it up but it sounds to me they probably need these answers so they too can go through motions so they can move on as well. Sometimes you have to cut them some slack. If they were calling you daily with these questions, I think that would be far worse and more cruel.


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Re: First dinner with the inlaws
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2016, 06:10:30 PM »
I lost my husband in May and things were very awkward between me and my in-laws for about six weeks after he died. Like you I was very emotional and I felt like they weren't emotional enough. Five weeks after he died was the fourth of July which also happens to be my husband's birthday. Every year his family has a bbq to celebrate both events and this year his parents decided to go a head with the party even though we just lost L. I wasn't looking forward to the bbq but I didn't want to be alone on his birthday so I went thinking we would all be together to mourn L on his birthday.

Anyway, the entire day goes by and not one person mentions his name. Everyone is laughing, drinking, eating and having a good time like nothing ever happened while I'm dying on the inside. I couldn't believe that it was his birthday and no one seemed to care that he just died. I was so mad but I held it together and left early.

I guess the point of sharing my story is to show that families are weird and people seem to like to live in denial. I know my in laws were in pain that day but they chose to handle it by pretending everything was normal. Me, I wanted to scream and cry and rip my skin off but for them I pretended to be ok.

Things have gotten a lot less awkward between us and we're all making an effort to see each other on a regular basis. I have their son/brother's only child so they want to see her. If it were just me I don't know what things would be like though.


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Re: First dinner with the inlaws
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2016, 06:12:22 PM »
Just want to say...a grave site can sit there a long time without a stone.  And you don't have to bury anything right away.  You can tell them you aren't ready to make a decision.

I buried half of my second husband's ashes next to his late wife 18 months after he died.  There still isn't a stone on that grave at 2 1/2 years out.  I have the other half of his ashes in my house, but I have a plot and a stone at the local cemetery.  Mixed up, eh?  But I don't care.  I am doing things in my own time frame.

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: First dinner with the inlaws
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2016, 06:21:18 PM »
Thank you all for being so understanding and for sharing with me. I told my brother in law how I was feeling tonight and he reassured me that they are all here for me and that they are not going anywhere. It seems that in avoiding me they were actually avoiding our home because it was too difficult for them.

I am now going to go visit them this week.

So progress is being made and that weight is slowly lifting off my chest.

We ARE all in this together and now they know that I need regular contact with them to try to mourn with them together.

Thanks again all,

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!