Author Topic: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on  (Read 2311 times)

Abitlost

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In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« on: August 16, 2016, 11:41:32 AM »
In the year since Ex-BF and I split, I have been out with 38 different men. Even though I'm selective in whom I go out with, most of the men turn out just not to be my type.

Finally I met a man with whom I really clicked, only for him to freak out because he has basically not processed his divorce and has too many changes going on in his life right now to be in a relationship. Ouch.

Shortly after that I met another divorced man with whom the mutual connection was instant with energy and intense attraction off the chart...only for him to later express he wasn't ready for a relationship because of some major transitions in his professional life. This latest guy told me that because of my history (being widowed) he was afraid of hurting me because none of his relationships work out, someone always gets hurt and that I didn't deserve to be hurt. He told me his therapist agreed. I suppose it is better to realize now rather than months down the road, but still...ouch.... To add insult, he told me this by text because he said it would be too hard to do by phone, on a day we had a date and a week together planned while my kids are out of town.

I am more and more convinced a second chapter just isn't going to happen for me.

abl

Captains wife

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2016, 11:50:26 AM »
Sorry - this sounds like my Chapter 2 path, seriously. I also have those thoughts...that Chapter 2 isn't happening for me when I see so many happy people re-coupling. BUT saying all that, hang in there, continue to look for your Chapter 2 if that's what you really want (I do believe it takes longer for some of us given various circumstances), maybe try different dating outlets? And remember everyone you meet, date is some sort of lesson...wishing you all the best and rooting for you!

klim

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2016, 02:14:32 PM »
Feeling similar so joining in the rally cry....will it ever happen!! ......but trying to keep the hope alive.

Hugs to you.......one thought I keep in my mind is if I'm feeling this way and your feeling this way .....there's a high probability that there's a person out there feeling the same that if we can locate them could be our chapter 2 ! ....a nice guy that just wants a second life
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swilson

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2016, 09:16:10 AM »
A lady I had been dating told me she couldn't compete with a dead woman, basically ending the relationship. I figured it was an excuse for her to exit.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

SemperFidelis

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2016, 10:22:21 AM »
A lady I had been dating told me she couldn't compete with a dead woman, basically ending the relationship. I figured it was an excuse for her to exit.

Bleh. Shame on that person for saying something like that.

nonesuch

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2016, 01:02:56 PM »
I'm sorry things are going this way.

I thought I was the only one who counted dates.  For what its worth, I had fewer dates than that in three years. I had made up my mind that my "Chapter 2" would be more or less a solo voyage.  It hasn't been, though. 

I'm old, flat-chested, and sarcastic.  It's kind of a hard sell. If there's someone for me, there is probably someone for you. 

Jen

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2016, 02:47:03 PM »
I think I'm pretty well doomed... 40+, wid, 3 kids, fat, nerdy, socially awkward... yeah, I don't think so. But I try to hang onto a tiny bit of hope, even though it seems completely futile most of the time. And you're getting out there, which is awesome! I'm clinging to one dead end and basically waiting for someone to knock on my door.

Oh... and wallowing in self-pity. That's probably the biggest hurdle for me. On the bright side, I am equipped with soft and extra-absorbent shoulders. ((((HUGS))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

nonesuch

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2016, 10:33:13 AM »
"This latest guy told me that because of my history (being widowed) he was afraid of hurting me because none of his relationships work out, someone always gets hurt and that I didn't deserve to be hurt. He told me his therapist agreed."

I don't know if this therapist should be criticized for treating you from afar, or praised for helping you dodge a bullet.  Undoubtedly, the therapist knows this fellow better than you do. 


Abitlost

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2016, 12:06:25 PM »
Thank you everyone. The count is now up to 39. My friends tell me I'm too picky and I suppose I am, but I am not settling.

nonesuch, I'm thinking I dodged a bullet. If a guy is thinking he doesn't have what it takes to be with me, he is probably right. Lesson learned there is when a guy leads with "my therapist said..." to run the other direction! (that's a joke, not meant to offend anyone...)

Jen, don't think your physical appearance has anything to do with your status. I am very fit, active and (I'm told) attractive, but those have proven irrelevant factors in finding my perfect mate.

tybec

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2016, 01:52:25 PM »
Thanks for the sharing.  Never know when the pep talk will be on my list of needs ASAP.  This widow world is just unfathomable.  Can change quick from hope and bliss to despair.  Get it.....


Oh, and Jen, the right person will find you unforgettable and desirable!  I tell myself that since I had it before, there is no reason it won't happen again.  Sometimes a mantra!  I even took a selfie recently!  I hate them!  But I understand the worry.  I sure have it often, too.

arneal

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2016, 12:39:16 PM »
Abitlost - first, {{{hugs!!!}}} Bless you for being out there in the fray! Your friends think you're too picky, they never met me LOL!

I realized that I knew nothing about dating when I decided to step into this sharktank so I started reading some relationship blogs. I paid attention and when I found congruent messages that were positive, I started following and getting the newsletters. One of the primary messages is to essentially do what you've been doing. Don't limit yourself as you date but make sure you know what it is you are looking for. Be confident in who you are. Love yourself first. If he doesn't text back, so what. Move on. I know I don't always text right back to my friends because I am doing other things so why should I flip when a guy I sort of am getting to like doesn't text me back in five minutes? Have your own hobbies and don't bend over backwards to be at his fingertips.

Jen -- I hear you! And if you wear all of you with confidence, you'll get more attention than someone who you might identify as prettier, younger, more fit, etc. I take pride in my nerdiness, thank you very much (LOL) and the guy I am seeing who I hope will be my Ch 3 (I've been widowed twice) is a technician, so we speak the same language.

I didn't think it would happen for me and it didn't just 'happen'. I looked, I found, and I hope I am conquering ;)

Praying the same for each of you!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

nonesuch

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2016, 05:38:30 PM »
There's nothing wrong with being picky.    This is the 21st century.  Men and women aren't required by social custom to pair up, or be ostracized or pitied for being a spinster, or viewed with suspicion for being an unmarried man beyond a certain age.  Far better to retain one's independence than to end up legally or morally bound to someone who isn't good for you.


nonesuch

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2016, 05:48:17 PM »
.

ladybug

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2016, 04:20:57 AM »
I too am waiting for my chapter 2.    I have dated a little bit and have not found "the one" yet.

I am glad to know there are others who are still looking.   Sometimes I feel like the only one who doesn't have a mate.

One day at a time.

Abitlost

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Re: In need of a pep-talk and a shoulder to cry on
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2016, 10:45:13 AM »
There's nothing wrong with being picky.    This is the 21st century.  Men and women aren't required by social custom to pair up, or be ostracized or pitied for being a spinster, or viewed with suspicion for being an unmarried man beyond a certain age.  Far better to retain one's independence than to end up legally or morally bound to someone who isn't good for you.

Absolutely. I won't settle just to pair up. But I do very much miss being in a happy, healthy, supportive relationship. My marriage was perfect by my standards and my bar is very high.

Date #41 last night showed promise. No disqualifiers or red flags with good conversation and chemistry is a pretty good start :)