Specific Situations > Suicide/Addiction/Mental Illness/Abuse

Not so young widow (new to the forum)

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Ruth:
Hey April, I wanted you to know I read everything you wrote.

My husband didn't die of suicide. He died due to violence while trying to do the right thing, and I'm pretty sure he kinda knew he probably wouldn't make it out alive. He made that choice because of me, and the guilt of that, although unjust, sometimes overwhelms me.

I, like you, wanted out and was planning on leaving. My husband was abusive, in every sense of the word, but in our culture it was considered normal for a man to treat his wife like that - by our standards he was, well, far from abusive. Me wanting to leave him, had more to do with me wanting to leave that culture/way of life, than leaving him. (We lived in a cult-like group, his abusive was normal within the group, but illegal in our country.)

Fast forward towards our last day together. I'm still not sure what happened, but after yet another one of his beatings he broke down and begged me to forgive him. He said he'd let me go, turn himself (and the leaders of the group) in and asked me if I was willing to wait for him. I was sceptical and said I didn't know. I never saw him after that. He had tried to convinced his best friend to go with him and turn himself in as well, which resulted in his death. I feel horrible for doubting him, but also for not preventing him from trying to go to the police. The aftermath of it all was horrible and I'm still grateful that I was able to escape two weeks later.

I know it's different on many levels, but I can relate to some of the feelings and struggles it brings, like wanting to leave and feeling responsible for his death.

Safe hugs if ok,
Ruth

AprilRain:
Oh Ruth, what a terribly sad story, I'm so very sorry for all that you've been through. Thank you for coming here to share. I'm sorry that both of us (all of us) are here but glad that we've found a place we can come to vent, cry, and share with others who understand and will never judge.

More (((((hugs))))) for you.

Wendi

janieK:
Hello, @AprilRain and others,

I came across this forum today and then this thread on suicide as the cause of the spouse's death. Your post on your experience resonated with me so much. My spouse died in July 2016, from an overdose.  We were separated at the time (initiated by me), after 26 years of marriage and three (young adult) children.  I've been going to a support group for suicide survivors, which has been supportive and affirming, yet everyone there has lost either a sibling or an adult child. I haven't wanted to join a support group for widows because it's not like I was exactly in the position of being a still-loving wife. I was exhausted and just a caretaker, no longer a lover and true partner.

Your narrative seems SO familiar to me, which helps alleviate my feeling of being so uniquely at fault: for not helping him sufficiently. Maybe I did a lot and could never have done enough.

And even now, since his death, I have so much to do to clean up all the mess left behind (financial) and help the kids get their lives back on track.  I want to be living *my* life -- I do think there is a lot to enjoy.  Tired of always picking up the pieces.

Not sure what I want to contribute at the moment. I am benefiting from reading all the posts here. I worry that if I spend a lot of time telling this story it takes away from other stories I could tell or a life I could live. I've lived for a long time in the shadow of my husband's disappointment, anger, etc. 

Oh, so I'm not so young: age 51. Still, my spirit age feels younger, and that a new chapter is possible.

WifeLess:
janieK,


--- Quote ---I've been going to a support group for suicide survivors ... everyone there has lost either a sibling or an adult child.
--- End quote ---

Yes, this is my impression as well. Very few who attend support groups for SOS (Survivors Of Suicide of a loved one) are grieving their spouse. Nearly all have instead lost a child, sibling, parent or friend. Which is why, during the early months after my wife's suicide 7 years ago, I found much more comfort extensively reading and posting on this site's predecessor, rather than a website for SOS.

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

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