Author Topic: Need advice please  (Read 914 times)


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Need advice please
« on: September 12, 2016, 10:12:11 AM »
Hello everyone! I have not been on here for so long that I'd actually forgotten my password! But I hope you are all doing well, or as well as can be expected I suppose..

I've come on here because I've just been going over and over this in my head, but it's the middle of the night here so I can't really message any friends and I'm getting more and more confused and upset.

The other day my dad took me out for a birthday lunch and I'm very close to my dad. In fact he's probably the only family I've really got.. And I got talking about my partner Chris. The second anniversary of his death is coming up on the 27th. For those who don't know.. He was killed in a workplace accident, and the investigation is still ongoing, HOWEVER, myself and Chris' parents just received an email to tell us that all evidence collecting has now been concluded, and they're now sifting through the evidence to see if they can still build a case against the company. I keep in contact with Chris' parents quite often via email (they live on the other side of the world) and his mum said how emotional she got after hearing about the advancements in the investigation and how she was going to need to take time off work as she will be too emotional as this anniversary comes up, which is all totally fine and understandable. I had a different reaction though.. I wasn't emotional about the investigation nearing the end (I've had to deal with all the legal stuff, it's just another 'thing' and I try to live by the belief that I will not give that piece of shit day more power over me than it already does.. So I will be continuing my life as normal throughout the month... Which is also fine. So back to my dad (sorry long winded I know - see why this wouldn't have been good in a text message?!) over lunch I just said it's interesting how different people grieve differently. I was highly emotional at the start... Screaming... Crying.. Wanting to die.. Lost a hideous amount of weight.. While his parents seemed to just go along... It seems like now it's only starting to sink in and his mother is getting emotional (Chris moved from the uk to live with me, the last time they saw him was saying goodbye at the airport and not expecting to see him again for a long while, so I think it's contributed to the 'delayed' grieving - or like I said people just grieve differently) Anyway... I was saying this to my dad.. And he goes... Yeh I think it's just because you're young so you will find someone else.. While he was their number one son (they've got another son as well)..... I just.. I suppose.. Kind of let it slide at the time... But that comment has really been eating at me. Chris was my number one everything. Yes no doubt losing a child or son is fucking painful.. But so is this?? We never had a chance to have our kids.. I feel like I lost my children my partner my future my dreams at the same time.... But because I'm young I'll find someone else?! My dad was like I know you will never forget Chris but you will have your own children blah blah....... So....... My question is.... Do I tell my dad that this comment bothered me? To be honest I think he'd be really upset if I told him his comment hurt me.....
And I also think he tells HIMSELF that I'm young.. I will find someone... Cos he can't stand me being in pain.. And he wants that for me in the future as well. It's frustrating.. I think people think I'm a lot happier and more 'recovered' (not sure if that's the right word to use) then I am... It's more I actually got sick and tired of it all so I kinda just put on the happy face.

Thanks guys.. I know I only come here to whinge and whine so thank you to those stronger people than I who can go back and give advice to others - I can't even bear to look at the 0-6 months page now - eep!


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Re: Need advice please
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 10:30:20 AM »
When I got my husband's diagnosis, the neurosurgeon named the disease and I said, "I don't know what that means."  He said, "Get your affairs in order.  You have about 6 months."  I turned to my mother and she said, "You're young.  You will meet someone else."

I was so shocked - and in such shock - that I just could not process it at all at the time.  Later on though, I was like, "What kind of response is that?!!?!" 

But over time, and after many others' awkward and seemingly insensitive comments, I realized that it normally came not from a malicious place but rather from simply not knowing what to say much of the time.  In time I learned to give people a pass on these things.

I think you could gently let your Dad know how you feel and that for the time being, you're just not ready to even consider anyone else.  I bet he would understand. 


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Re: Need advice please
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2016, 11:27:39 AM »
Those types of comments can really strike a nerve but I think TooSoon is correct in saying that the intent is usually not malicious. I would let it slide if it was a one time comment, if it becomes a theme in the way he speaks to you then it might be a good idea to gently explain to your Dad why it is hurtful. Sometimes the people who love us the most need to convince themselves that we are alright because they feel helpless in the face of our pain.

You know your Dad, remind yourself where his heart is and try not to let his words take away from his good intentions.
You will forever be my always.


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Re: Need advice please
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2016, 11:38:45 AM »
My husband also passed away almost 2 years ago, on the 29th.  My mother passed away when I was a teenager, my dad would have been only a few years older than as I was when I lost my husband.

A few months after my DH passed, when I was picking out the tombstone, my father said to me "while you are at the cemetery, you should look into buying the plot next to yours and DH's for you when you get married again".

Um, so much nope!   I did tell my dad, that wouldn't be happening.  There would be no new husband.  (he remarried, it was a disaster until the day he died and then got worse with everyone fighting over his will).  I explained to him, first off, I wasn't ready to even entertain the idea and secondly, I couldn't even imagine trying to integrate or try and adapt to another relationship.

He passed away in January, and never stopped telling me he wished I would try and find someone.  He didn't like the idea of me being alone.

I think our parents don't want us to be alone.  Even knowing his own remarriage was a disaster he couldn't help but want me to have a relationship.  My loving aunts have now taken (including my 90 year old great aunt) up the torch and have decided they are going to make me a match profile.   I'm not sure if its a generational gap, or they honestly think I need a husband to be complete or just think that will help them know I'm ok.  I've given up explaining that I'm not going to remarry. They don't hear me anyway.

Although I am sure they all come from a loving place suggesting it.

Sorry, I'm sure this probably isn't what you want to hear or helpful.  But that's been my experience with it.


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Re: Need advice please
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2016, 11:18:42 PM »
Thanks everyone - I agree it definitely wasn't malicious and it seems to be a common theme for us young widowers. Ultimately I guess those who love us just want us to be happy! I don't think I'll say anything to him.. I think it'd just upset him for not much result... But I did need to get it out and let it be heard that I am still hurting and that I do hurt as much as Chris' parents - just in a different way. Thanks for being those ears (or eyes as it were haha).