Author Topic: 2 Months a Widower  (Read 1366 times)

jlhallgamer

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2 Months a Widower
« on: September 17, 2016, 11:27:13 AM »
Hi I just found this site and am try find a place to vent and discuss subjects with other Widows and widowers. Right now I feel alone and lonely and I'm not use to feeling this way. This statement probably is one of those captain obvious ones. I'm trying to stay active with friends and family, but it isn't seeming to help. I still feel empty and alone even when I am surrounded by friends.

My wife and I got married at 16 and we were each others only true loves. I don't really know how to act around people. I am extremely socially anxious, codependant, and self doubting. I just want to know that their are others out there and try to find people I can talk to about my problems who understand.

Karin_a

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2016, 01:56:42 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss. My boyfriend died two months and two days ago. I understand, I'm myself trying to find other people to talk to because the people around me don't really understand. They try to be here for me and give me support but they don't understand the crushing pain and how much I really miss him. I'm existing and surviving but I'm not really living anymore. When he died everything died, and I feel like I'm a shell. My body is alive but my inside died. Where as his body died and his soul or whatever you call it still lives in me..... at least that is what everyone keeps telling me..... but I can't feel him with me, I'm numb and I try extremely hard to feel his presence but I don't. It is killing me that I can't feel him with me, I try to tell myself he is, with me because I love him so much that he is in my heart.

LIke you I feel empty and alone even if I'm surrounded by people...... I'm hoping it will get better but right now I'm not sure it will....Sorry if this didn't help you....

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2016, 02:57:34 PM »
It's just great to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I hope it gets better for you and I hope this site can help both of us in someway.

Chabot 29

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2016, 04:17:29 PM »
So sorry about your loss and the heart break you are going through. I am right there with you, it's only been a month since I've lost my husband who was only 33. I have been trying to surround myself with people because I can't bear to be alone. It is difficult though, especially when I am with couples loving on each other. Or even people who are arguing about nothing, don't they understand what I wouldn't give just to spend one more day with my spouse. Being a new widow, we just don't fit in anywhere. But people mean well, they just don't understand. I found these forums very comforting knowing I'm not alone.  My prayers are with you

mbanyard

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2016, 01:54:59 PM »
I am also very sorry for your loss.

Like the others here I too have lost my wonderful husband. It was two months yesterday for me as well.

As with the rest of you I put my brave face on when at work or out in public, but I really am not this "strong" person that they think I am.

I miss my husband with all that I am. I cry myself to sleep every night and our home is so very quiet without his laugh...his spirit.

I truly do not know how I am to move forward without him. He was taken so suddenly that there were so many more things for us to say...so many plans and dreams that are unrealized.

I sincerely hope that we may all find a way to help each other.

MB
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2016, 02:44:51 PM »
I understand that pain. The thought of the night coming everyday fills me with dread. Another night in the same bed alone. I miss her so much, but today I had a moment of clarity and I was able to pray and said what what I have been wanting to say to Hannah out in the open. I feel better about it. I hope that all others on  this site can feel that way. It might just be a fleeting moment though.

mbanyard

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2016, 09:57:15 PM »
 have been writing to Brent every single night since he left. I know he hears me, as there have been a  number of signs.   It doesn't change the fact that we are not physically together now and my heart is broken into a million pieces as a result.

I'm not sure I will ever be whole again....and I don't really want to be if it means being without him.

It is just so wrong that somebody so well loved by everybody he met, and so full of spirit and positive energy was taken. I spend every day wishing that it had been me instead an that I could change places with him. He deserved to live a very long time and had so much to give to those around him.

I am glad you're able to pray, but I am not even speaking to God right now. I just cannot understand how he could take this wonderful man away from so many, forty years minimum before he should have gone. This might change in time, but right now I just don't understand how HE could take my soul mate away when he already took both my parents, my brother and my sister. They say that HE doesn't give you anything that you cannot handle, but I disagree this time. This loss is one too many for my fragile spirit to take.

I wish you all the best week ahead that any of us can have.
MB
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2016, 04:35:15 AM »
I understand your feelings. My wife took her own life so I feel like I can't exactly blame God or anybody but herself. I am so very sorry for your lose though and I hope you are able to find some peace, even for a moment, soon. I feel like she wants me to move on and that she is watching out for me. I'm not fully ready to move on yet. I still breakdown and cry often, even though I try to not let others see me do it.

Mizpah

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2016, 10:24:01 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss.  We all get the enormity of your feelings.  My boyfriend is a widower (I'm 5+ years out and he's a bit less), and, just from that very small sample set (him and me), I think that being a widower is even more isolating than being a widow.  I think he, without realizing, fell to that stereotype or pressure of "being a man" and not revealing/indulging feelings.  He coped with his fiancee's death by being a workaholic (to avoid going home I think) and drinking probably a bit too often (to be around people at the bar and avoid going home, and to take the edge off) and not talking about things.  You will have moments of peace and clarity, I believe, increasingly.  But the pain and loneliness is inevitable and huge.  People say the only way out is through, and unfortunately, suffering is our task in the beginning.  Doing what is healthy helps, so even if you don't feel the effects of, say, keeping up with your friends or being physically active, it's good to keep doing it.  Your body can take care of you rather than working against you, and take any goodness you can get.  We all get it and are here for you.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2016, 06:31:46 PM »
Thank you so much to everyone. I hope to continue to help others on this site like you guys have helped me. I know that I need any resources to lean on. I don't have many friends due to my social anxieties, but I'm trying to work on them. Until then I hope to make some friends to contact when times get tough through this site.

Julester3

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2016, 09:40:54 PM »
I am sorry for your loss. I hope this site can help you since you have your anxieties. I find online communities can be helpful since it's not directly face to face. I tend to crave the company of people who understand what I am going through. I have plenty of other friends from other walks of life but right now I don't want another sorry or anything alluding that I am a strong person. We run out of conversation the moment they want to know if I am doing okay. I like to hash out over the daily struggles and the trials/errors we face trying to cope to our new existences. I am functioning but I'm still waiting for my heart to stop feeling hurt and abandoned. These are things only people in this community can understand.

I've known my husband since we first met in the 7th grade. We were fast friends but we didn't date until we went away for college. I have been with him since we were 18. I wouldn't know how to function with any other person other than my husband - I believe were we soulmates.

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2016, 04:57:10 AM »
I met my wife in high school and we got married at 16. We were madly in love and I wanted so desperately to save her from her toxic home life. That was the beginning of my codependency problems I believe. Unfortunately her past and what was going on in the present was to much for her to handle and she took her own life. We were only together for 7 years but those were the best 7 years of both of our lives (she said that in her final text to me as well). I had wished, and still do, that I could take away her pain and fix what was broken. Now I'm left trying to pickup the pieces of my heart. It's a daily struggle as you guys know. I had to leave work early yesterday because I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and didn't want to make a scene at work.

I know we weren't together as long as most people on this site, but I believe that we were soulmates. We barely ever got into fights. We helped each other the best we could when the other was having a rough time of it. Now I am conflicted, because I want to find someone to help me manage this pain like my Hannah did. Am I wrong to want to date this early? I'm only 23 and still learning about myself and the world. Hannah was the only person I ever dated and loved. I gave my whole heart and being to her and now I'm broken. Sometimes it feels like beyond repair.

Wheelerswife

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2016, 06:19:45 AM »
First, don't let anyone try to negate your depth of love because of your young age or the length of your time together. Your pain and the enormity of your loss is no less than any of the rest of us.

When it comes to wanting to date this soon, this is different for everyone. I will caution you, though, because when we experience a loss such as that of a spouse, it can be very difficult to face the grief, and dating can sometimes be a way of avoiding a process that needs to happen. I would advise you to protect your heart as well as the heart of anyone you may potentially date. Perhaps you can find a grief counselor that can help you assess your readiness for dating. Keep coming here and venting your thoughts. It hasn't been very long for you, but it may seem like an eternity.

Hang in there. Keep breathing. I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you have experienced.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

jlhallgamer

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Re: 2 Months a Widower
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2016, 09:01:26 AM »
I am seeing a grief councilor actually. Every day my mind on different subjects change so it makes it hard to stay on track with what they want me to do. I came to the realization this morning that my codependency issues are exacerbating my loneliness. Which in turn makes the depression worse. I'm now to the point where I don't want to do anything most of the time. I'll have moments where I get motivated but then they disappear.

I thought maybe I can fill in the space of loneliness with friends but I only have a few, and honestly I don't want to bother them with my problems. I'm going to see if I can see my councilor more than the every other week I have been. It might be over kill but I almost always have a question racing through my head.