Author Topic: Why are "good days" so hard?  (Read 918 times)

mbanyard

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Why are "good days" so hard?
« on: September 27, 2016, 10:05:13 PM »
People keep telling me that, after 9 weeks now, I will begin to have some "good days".  I have now had a couple and they, in many ways, are harder than the "terrible" days.

How can I have a day where I don't sob uncontrollably....that's not fair to my DH, who is not here to have good OR bad days - he gets NO DAYS? How dare I laugh at a joke or have a day where I feel content with my work? Just so much guilt on these days.

It's all so confusing....and feels a little like trying to walk on a mixture of hot, cold, and warm coals.....you never know which one you're going to step on. I have also gone from not being able to sleep at all really in the first 8 weeks to not being able to get up easily now.  I am numb to the point of not recognizing myself in the shell that remains.

I have also asking myself why I even bother, as nothing has any meaning to me without him here to share in it with me.

I feel lost.....only more so on days when I'm "o.k." if that makes sense to any of you at all.

I guess I just didn't needed to say this all to others who will "get it" without any judgement.

Thank you for listening,
MB



We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

Julester3

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Re: Why are "good days" so hard?
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2016, 07:32:09 AM »
Good days are hard because we want to share the moment with our loved one but we physically can't. We can pretend to if we can trick our minds that it is an acceptable substitute but 3 out of 4 times, it'll know that it's just not.

You are still finding your way to cope. I can sense you can't find something that consistently works. I am glad you are coming here to share because in the end sometimes just simply venting or writing out what you are feeling may be just the thing to help you get through. Sorry that this is no exact science with no exact answers. HUGS to you today...

sandrine2279

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Re: Why are "good days" so hard?
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2016, 03:30:10 AM »
Hello,
I don't pretend I understand what I do most of time. I am 21 weeks out only.
All I can say is that I doo have a lot of guilty feelings too (why grief didn't kill me instantly or after a few days?  how can I eat a meal (even if I basically survive on protein snacks and lost already more than 20 pounds), how can I now keep my mind busy at work?, how can I smile from time to time?  etc...)
I read a post from a young widow there about different ways to grieve:
http://girlfriendsarethenewhusbands.blogspot.fr/2016/04/two-ways-of-grief.html
I guess I am definitly an "houdini griever", it probably has something to do with my "culture" about grief (not living anymore must be respecting him).
Sorry, I don't have wiser words to help but I think it's what makes me feel guilty about my "good days" .
(((hugs)))
G.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2016, 11:03:35 AM by sandrine2279 »

TooSoon

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Re: Why are "good days" so hard?
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2016, 05:09:18 PM »
I'm stopping by from nearly 4 years along this journey, and I wanted to say about good days early on:  I found them to be physically and emotionally exhausting in the extreme - I could not recover from them easily.  It wasn't guilt I felt but confusion more than anything - I would think, "Wait, I just had a really good day yesterday (in early grieving terms, of course); why am I unable to move/focus/stop crying/eat/shower/take out the recycling/get the mail/go buy groceries/call my best friend."  It was like for every good day, I had to put in 3 bad ones to pay it back.  It never made any sense to me but eventually it stopped happening - it took time but it stopped.  At the beginning though, I felt like making the choice to get out of bed was a risk because I never knew how it was going to play out and I wasn't always sure I could take being blindsided any longer by my own out of control emotions. 

And for what it is worth, once I stopped trying to outrun my grief, let it wash over me like a tsunami, pick up the pieces and start again, things began to get better.   It took time but not as long as I once thought it would.  I thought the nightmare would never end.  That it all happened has changed my life and changed me as a person - for better and worse - but the nightmare ended.  It does get better, I promise.  Sending a ton of empathy and support.

mbanyard

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Re: Why are "good days" so hard?
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2016, 07:43:41 PM »
Thank you all. I just had a good weekend after an absolutely horrendous week.  One of my bosses put her ineffectiveness on me and blamed it on my grief this weel...as in "your grief is making you make mistakes"

I wanted to shout "well duh" but I did not....I just sat there and let her run a tirade about how much my inability to focus 110% of the time was making it hard for HER. I genuinely wanted to ask her if she thought she'd do any better if her husband died and her bosses were insensitive a$$es.

I know my DH DID NOT like these people and, for all that I need the job, I am not sure how much longer I can stick it out with people who choose not to see what is before their eyes....and employee who is coming in 30+ minutes early per day, taking half a lunch break....all in the hopes of ensuring the work gets done DESPITE her personal horror story.


We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!