Author Topic: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...  (Read 1368 times)

First Widow

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It's been 16 months since I lost my husband and for the most part I've cobbled together a good life with good friends and a new job, but yesterday I found myself at the cemetery, sobbing uncontrollably.  Maybe it was the fact that I had just come from getting a brake job on my car...something he would have done for me; maybe it was just the change of season...we always held a huge Oktoberfest for clients and friends. I'm really not sure what it was.  And then this morning, as I opened the bedroom curtains and saw his truck in the drive my first reaction was that he was home.  I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, except that I'm tired of being strong and just need to acknowledge that I'm human...I know everyone here will get it and it would just totally freak out my friends in town.  I don't post often but I wanted to say thanks for being here and giving me hope when I'm having a bad day.
"But slowly he stole my broken heart and put the pieces back together while I wasn’t looking…and I love him."

donswife

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2016, 08:21:08 AM »
its the moments that we cant explain that bring us to our knees
Can't explain why they come but they pack a punch
I also have his truck in the driveway and have that feeling when i see it
its a comfort and a curse
Thanks for posting
My everything

SoVerySad

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2016, 05:36:47 PM »
FirstWidow, I'm sorry that your friends wouldn't understand your feelings. I totally understand how those feelings of intense pain and bewilderment that they are gone hit out of nowhere. I'm over 3 years out and a few weeks ago I was driving with my daughter in the car. We were talking about something I couldn't answer, and I told her we'd have to ask her Dad. It shocked the heck out of me as it has loomed so large in my life every day that he's gone. How could I possibly for a moment have forgotten? But I did.

I agree that it is a comfort to have this forum to share with people who understand how things that don't make sense to others can make perfect sense to us. I'm glad you decided to post. Of course you are human and also experiencing things most of us have experienced.

Hugs to you...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Amor

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2016, 07:47:03 AM »
Sadness comes even without a reason.  We lost the Love of our life we have every right to brake down.
(((hugs)))
Amor

Captains wife

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2016, 12:42:40 PM »
Im so sorry - at 16 months, that is not far out in the grieving process. I am 4.5+ years out and I remember the tough first few years. And, no, people who haven't been through it don't seem to understand. At 16 months, the oddest triggers would set me off and the waterworks would start..and not stop. Just riding home on the train (he used to meet me and pick me up and now I drive home alone..alone), seeing his fav foods in the store, going to certain places, seeing some of his stuff at home. I do want to let you know that the sadness softens over time but should feel your emotions as they come. Be extra good to yourself during these tough times.....

InOverMyHead

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2016, 02:24:05 PM »
seeing his fav foods in the store

Mac and Cheese gets me everytime lol

First Widow

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2016, 07:02:44 PM »
Thanks everyone.  For the most part I keep myself on an even keel, but the past weekend brought me back to the early, unbearable weekends.  My son will be home from college the next two weekends since his school does quarters instead of semesters, so that should help keep me distracted.  I've been slacking off making plans with friends because I've got a lot to do around here, but I need to remember to schedule some fun time.

The favorite food thing is tough.  I don't think I've made mac and cheese since he passed away because he loved it but the kids never did. 

"But slowly he stole my broken heart and put the pieces back together while I wasn’t looking…and I love him."

Ursula

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Re: Come so far but still have those moments that bring me to my knees...
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2016, 10:44:26 PM »
Dear First Widow, you have a right to cry, as you have a right to laugh. It has got to get out.
I will be 3 years a widow next year and I cry for all sorts of stuff that pops up without warning. I still check out stuff that he liked and there are sooo many things everywhere, then a song hits you, then a scent, or you see someone walk down the street with similar posture or clothes or hair. I get a  heart attack every time. Still. I don't expect it to go away he is a part of my life and of me, and that is ok. 
There is a saying ...tears are a measure of love..
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)