Author Topic: I want it all.  (Read 2992 times)

tybec

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I want it all.
« on: October 13, 2016, 06:28:58 AM »
I want it all.  The relationship, the marriage, the family beyond me and my son.  I had it all.  I am on fall break and took ds to a place we went 7 yrs. ago with his dad.  Bittersweet.  I had my complete family, and I sit and watch  all these families, couples, and I want it again.  I somehow talked myself into believing I had it all, and I must have done something to lose it.  Control issues lurking.  Well, martyrdom is not satisfying.  Now to tell NG?!  7 months.  Early in the game.  His kids, mine.  But it is what I want.  Patience?  Wait?  Or lay it out straight so I don't waste my time if it really isn't in the cards for us.  Run him off with not being patient? He talks future with me, long term.  But is that just what men do to keep you going?  He says he loves me.  He was burned when wife left him.  I am the antithesis of his experiences, I tell him.  A fact.    I don't know.  He tells me I am logical and straight, something I didn't know about me.  I mean I married the guy I started dating at 14 yrs. old.  So, don't have another sounding board.   

I don't know.  I just know I am not at my best single.  Some are, but not for me.  Ughhhhh.....

Captains wife

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2016, 07:58:53 AM »
This new Chapter 2 stuff is tough...and its much harder to recouple than I would have thought. I also empathize as I see 2 parent families everywhere and miss mine. Now its just me and my son. And unfortunately after 4.5+ years, I am getting used to it this way although I know ultimately it isn't what I want but I am so tired of trying to find the right match and have been burned a few times.

It sounds as though you want to know answers with your NG sooner rather than later (I get that!) - but it sounds like he cares for you very much and perhaps needs time given what he has been through. At 7 months, it seems soon (or even not a good idea) to give any ultimatum but gently talking to him about what your longer term goals are is important at some point. So at least you can make sure the two of you are on the same page potentially for the long run. You may want it all but some people move at different relationship speeds than others, especially if children are in the picture.

I wish you all the best  - and hope ultimately you get what you want out of Chapter 2. None of this is easy....

Wanted to edit to add that worrying about the future sometimes too much can also negatively impact your relationship in the present..but it doesn't hurt to do a check in to see what a potential partners longer term relationship views/goals are.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2016, 08:00:56 AM by Captains wife »

tybec

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2016, 09:00:38 AM »
Thanks CW for the sounding bd.  I am not impulsive, not my nature.  Had that moment punch me in the gut. I do wax and wane between patience and then knowing life does change on a dime.  So why wait? 

I also have done research on remarriage in my state.  I have my son's  inheritance to think about, benefits and I can't squander it with poor decisions or hand it over to another.  I am thankful for this bd. To give so many insights about so many variables we must consider. 

NG has his own luggage to carry.  Yes, he needs time to trust that all women don't break their vows.  Patience.  He is a loyal man to a fault. 

But I still want it all.  ::)

sikeuritgadeun

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2016, 09:26:26 AM »
I want it all too, well, maybe just some.  After 7 years I am tired of being on my own.  I want to love someone and have them love me.   My kids are almost on their own.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  But I've been burned and let down.  I can't even make friends anymore.  I am so lonely I can't stand it.  Sorry if I jumped in here and I have no advice.  It's getting harder everyday for me, not easier.
Love doesn't remain in memories, it remains in the heart.

 “You know that place between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”
— Peter Pan

daysofelijah

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2016, 09:53:36 AM »
I understand. I reallly want to get remarried this next summer. We will have been together 2+ years by then. BF knows this, and sometimes he seems agreeable and sometimes he seems scared and pulls back. I vacillate between being fine with giving him all the time I need and trying to live in the moment, and the great desire to be married again, to be a "two" and not just a "one".

His x-wife's betrayal severely wounded him. I work very hard at being patient and understanding. But I really just wish he would go all in and know that I would never hurt him like that. But of course I know he thought she would never do that either. It's very hard to deal with patiently sometimes, but he has been similarly patient with many of my emotional damages as well. So I go on now, knowing that it is so much better to have him in my life as things are right now, then to be alone again. I know things will work out (one way or another).

Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

SemperFidelis

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2016, 02:33:51 PM »
Yeah, I feel what you are saying.

I am pretty introverted so I do better than most people with living alone, and at many points have felt "wow this is great, I could date forever".
 But at some point in the past month a switch flipped where I just felt ready to be married again, and share a life and household together. I have felt the desire to share a bed with NG every night, not just once or twice a month(what our current schedules permit). I have felt tired of living alone, and of basing our relationship on 1-2hr timeframes spent sitting on his couch in the evenings(because of his son, I am the one making all the 1hr roundtrip drives to his house and back...and because of my animals I cannot stay overnight). Once every few months we can spend 3-5hrs together going somewhere while his son is in school. Its just not enough, but it's what we have. I'm thankful for the time we have had, and heaven knows I have needed a lot of solitude to have my own thoughts and do the necessary HARD post-trauma and post-death internal work. But damn..... I just want to merge lives and be a wife again.

We had the hard talk recently about our future.... Its complicated, but basically he has the dream of living on his late grandfather's property once his grandma dies. Me, I am financially and legally tied to my current dream home/property for at least five years(pending some probate stuff)..... So to me that means he needs to relinquish his dream of living on his family property. As someone who has lost every dream my life was built on, I don't feel out of line for expecting him to walk away from his dream....I sympathize with the difficulty though. I told him all of this. Our conversation basically ended with  1)him watery-eyed trying to "let me go" because he can't agree to someday move in with me. 2)him expressing a sincere desire for marriage and a wife in me 3) no conclusions about where our future is headed, but me stating I will cling to hope and patience.
Subsequent days included phrases from him like "well if we lived together......"

He's 40, never married but two five year cohabitation relationships and one four year non-cohabitation relationship. So he has never gone "all in" with someone before.

Anyway. Hope I didn't hijack this, but wanted to say yeah, I am right with you on really wanting more with the NG. It is sometimes hard to have patience.

MrsDan

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2016, 09:12:51 AM »
Me too. We're coming up on a year, and although I know logically we are where we should be, I get impatient sometimes. What Captains wife said about how that worrying about the future sometimes too much can also negatively impact your relationship in the present, that is something I've really tried to stay focused on, and I think that has been very good for our relationship. When there are things that have the potential to get me bent out of shape and frustrated, and have in the past, I really try to say stop, don't get worked up, look at the big picture. Still, I miss not having to manage my expectations so carefully.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

TooSoon

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2016, 12:41:13 PM »
I've been eager to respond to this but haven't had a chance until now.  I didn't think I wanted any of it (was, in fact, vehemently opposed to the whole concept) and was then genuinely kind of shocked when I realized that I not only wanted it but I wanted it all.  And I wanted it badly.  I had to wait two years to get it, though, and while that was too long for sure, the time to prepare "for it all" was essential - we didn't realize it at the time because we had no choice but to wait until we did because of prior commitments to jobs and children in our respective countries (I'm in PA and he was in the UK) and as many "veterans" on this site know, it was not an easy or graceful wait.

Now we have it; as of a month ago we are all together.  We had two plus years to really get to know one another and get ready for a big intercontinental merger and for the children to get to know one another and for our extended families (and ourselves) to get used to the idea and that has helped with the transition to blended family. We aren't married yet but for all intents and purposes we are.  We are all, I think, very happy, but I want to say that it is a big adjustment, for me especially. Its not necessary to go into my whole story but while I would not change a single thing, it is - I'll just say it again - a BIG adjustment. 

« Last Edit: October 14, 2016, 03:24:57 PM by TooSoon »

tybec

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2016, 05:42:46 PM »

Thanks to all the responses.  Thanks a lot, TooSoon.  2 years and it finally happened!! Gives me hope to wait it out.  I waited 7 years to marry DH, but that was because we were kids.  Had to finish college and such.  So, I can wait, and if it is right, just like with DH, it will come together, or not.  Appreciate the responses. 

66etype

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2016, 09:27:50 PM »
Both of my children had left home by the time I was 43 years old. Michael and I had 5 years alone when he died. I don't struggle with the kid thing, but I understand!

When I met Michael I had two young boys, 8 & 11 and he had no children. I couldn't have more children.. On our first date I asked him if he wanted to have children as I didn't want to fall in love with him and find out that he wanted children. He thought he was to old at 33! A few months later he told me his lease was up and we should move in together. I told him I wasn't going to let any man move in without a commitment as I was raising boys. He said "all right, let's get engaged!" That was 5 months after I met him.
My point is that it doesn't matter if it's your chapter 1, 2, 3 or 4.. it's the quality of the man that makes the difference. Plug your nose, jump and yell "cannonball"..

On a side note.. I have a much younger man in my life that started as a "fling". It has now evolved into a little more than either of us expected. I've been telling my friends "he's for right now, not forever". Tonight for some reason I analyzed that statement. Wow! Our long term commitments ended up being "not forever".. so really everything is for "right now"..  Live life!! GO FOR IT!

With much love, Tracy

arneal

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2016, 12:09:33 PM »
Emotions are such a weird thing. I realized not too long ago that it's been 27-ish years since I had an opportunity to take care of just me. I am introverted by nature and an only child, so being alone isn't a problem. I married an abusive man who died just before our son turned 4, jumped out there with a couple of flings (to prove that I wasn't as ugly and undesirable as the husband said I was. Yes, stupid, but it helped me get my head clear a little), married again and after 16 years of being together he died. My first reaction was to want someone to be in this house as my son wasn't here anymore. I told my stepdaughter she could live here when she got herself together and could move. I realized I wanted to date and after meeting NG realized having another grown woman here wasn't going to work, that I couldn't take care of her and myself. I wrote her a letter, explaining I needed the space to heal myself. No response as yet. However, I have gotten my frame of mind ready for what a future would look like with NG. I look forward to waking up next to someone every day, having coffee together, late night talks and giggles, special meals I've cooked ... do I need it? Nah, but I would like it a whole lot :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

mmg19

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2016, 06:55:05 PM »
I've read and re-read this thread and wanted to post but didn't know what to say or how to say it. 

Four years ago my soon to be spouse and I lost our mates.  We met in pastoral grief counseling and for 6 months along with 4 other widow/widowers met once and week and shared the grief, anger, hardships of healing.  For the next 6 months the group met for coffee or had brief phone chats since we felt such a bonding within our group.  Neither of us had any desire or felt any need for more than this connection.  As a result we shared family problems, children issues, and the trust issues of vulnerability in relationships.

NG and I became friends, close friends, but never looked at the friendship as a couple.  Fast forward to the end of year 2.  We had survived the good, the bad, and the ugly of grief as well as moving on as a single parent with adult children and me with 2 boys who were 8 and 10 at the time of their Dad's passing.   At 2+ years something sparked, we were hesitant but the courtship began.  Slow, dinner dates, and other events which one would take a date.  To make a long story short by 3.5 years we had begun to talk of marriage, a future, and dreams neither of us had thought possible in the beginning.

Before the end of the year we will marry and to say I want it all is an understatement.  My boys love and respect him as the Dad in their life.  My parents and DH's parents as well as his adult children's families love the new extended family relationship.  My boys still have the closeness of two sets of grandparents but have added an extended family as a bonus. 

We both agreed on setting up trusts for all the children and both sets of grandparents are in agreement he should be the guardian of my boys if I should die while they are minors.  Yes, I want it all.  Someone to lean on and someone to lean on me.  We have each other's back.  Adjustment to living together is expected but not feared.  We both loved our spouses and we expect to grow old together.  He is 55 and I am 47.  The hours of disclosure with pastors, medical and legal representatives, and the selling of his home and the purchase of our home has been time consuming.  I am grateful for all the time getting to know this man and the happiness I feel.

I have learned so much from the diversity of people on this forum.  Thank you for allowing me to be more of a lurker than and active poster. 

Blessings

SemperFidelis

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2016, 07:03:32 PM »
I've read and re-read this thread and wanted to post but didn't know what to say or how to say it. 

Four years ago my soon to be spouse and I lost our mates.  We met in pastoral grief counseling and for 6 months along with 4 other widow/widowers met once and week and shared the grief, anger, hardships of healing.  For the next 6 months the group met for coffee or had brief phone chats since we felt such a bonding within our group.  Neither of us had any desire or felt any need for more than this connection.  As a result we shared family problems, children issues, and the trust issues of vulnerability in relationships.

NG and I became friends, close friends, but never looked at the friendship as a couple.  Fast forward to the end of year 2.  We had survived the good, the bad, and the ugly of grief as well as moving on as a single parent with adult children and me with 2 boys who were 8 and 10 at the time of their Dad's passing.   At 2+ years something sparked, we were hesitant but the courtship began.  Slow, dinner dates, and other events which one would take a date.  To make a long story short by 3.5 years we had begun to talk of marriage, a future, and dreams neither of us had thought possible in the beginning.

Before the end of the year we will marry and to say I want it all is an understatement.  My boys love and respect him as the Dad in their life.  My parents and DH's parents as well as his adult children's families love the new extended family relationship.  My boys still have the closeness of two sets of grandparents but have added an extended family as a bonus. 

We both agreed on setting up trusts for all the children and both sets of grandparents are in agreement he should be the guardian of my boys if I should die while they are minors.  Yes, I want it all.  Someone to lean on and someone to lean on me.  We have each other's back.  Adjustment to living together is expected but not feared.  We both loved our spouses and we expect to grow old together.  He is 55 and I am 47.  The hours of disclosure with pastors, medical and legal representatives, and the selling of his home and the purchase of our home has been time consuming.  I am grateful for all the time getting to know this man and the happiness I feel.

I have learned so much from the diversity of people on this forum.  Thank you for allowing me to be more of a lurker than and active poster. 

Blessings

Congratulations. ::-) what a lovely and inspiring story.

arneal

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2016, 09:27:41 PM »
Agree with Semper, mmg -- congratulations!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: I want it all.
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2016, 08:42:04 AM »
MMG19,

Thanks for sharing your beautiful story, and 66etype, ,too.  Great to hear some good stories.  I know they happen, as there are the pics here to prove it.  mmg19 you have exactly what I wanted.  My PLAN was to find a little older guy whose kids were grown, since I started late in having children.  And you knew each other for so long, too. How wonderful!  And 66etype, what a story!  And it hit me like a gong when you said all is temporary, even our forever relationships were temporary.  I say that but didn't really digest its meaning.  Til death do us part is the real deal if you are fortunate enough to have that.  Not the things love songs or poems are made of.  LOL!    But you are right.

NG is not what I planned. He is younger, started having kids late in life like me, so that means they are younger than my 13 yr old son!!!  CRAZY!  He has challenges I would tell my friends to run from.  Custody battles, controlling ex who took his kids out of state and moved to her hometown.  Her parents provide her the huge home, and she is an expert in children being an ES vice principal.  He knows nothing and can do nothing right according to her.  YET, I continue to date him, and I can't explain it.  But I never should have ended up with DH of 28 yrs. either.  So, who knows?

I did tell NG this weekend I wanted it all.  We have that kind of banter, talk about things that are serious but in a fun way, too.  He said he wasn't surprised as all women want it all.  He told me he didn't have much "blood" left to give.  I told him I was not about opening new wounds.  But, he can't continue to generalize all women as I am NOT all women.  I asked him if I scared him and he said, "No, I am not scary."  So, it did lead to further discussions.  I am not opposed to a prenup for planning for protection of our kids.  I understand relatively young children need to be taken care of.  So, backing off and going to enjoy the situation at this point with him knowing my true heart's desire.  It will work, or it won't.  There is no in between. Never was.... But I am thankful for the time with him.  My heart opened back up, and I didn't know if that was truly possible.