Author Topic: NG and Trust  (Read 3044 times)


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    • The Starving Activist
Re: NG and Trust
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2016, 09:56:47 PM »

Yeah, that's a pickle of a situation for your stepdaughter to put you in. Not very smart on her end, not to mention.
Kudos to your guy though for smartly putting you above his friend on the list, lol. It's the little things, right?
Right? LOL!

To Maureen's point about references from signif's or family -- agreed. In the case of my NG, they didn't specify that they had to be professional only but more that they could speak to his character. He had me, his friend who recommended him, and his sister. He got the job with no problem. And now that I'm writing this, I realize I was even first over his sister. LOL.

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b


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Re: NG and Trust
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2016, 10:25:01 PM »
I think I would tell him that after thinking about it, you have come to the realization that being a reference for a family member or significant other isn't considered professional.  You can remain neutral and think about it generally from an ethics perspective.

Best wishes,


Unfortunately he turned in the application yesterday.  :-\


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Re: NG and Trust
« Reply #17 on: November 23, 2016, 08:03:30 AM »
I am 60 and came of age in the wild and wooly seventies.  When I was in college, it was kind of a free-for-all. It was not unusual for professors to have affairs with students; one married prof had a pregnant student girlfriend.

A few years ago, one of my chums had a brunch and decided to get the old gang together. She told me I was welcome to bring my husband, and I commented that he didn't need to know what I was like in college.  She said, "A lot of guests are saying that."

I wouldn't say that the past is past and doesn't affect me. I would say the past is past and is part of what made me the person I am today.   I would not answer the kind of questions you're asking. I'd feel badgered.  It isn't that I'm not curious, or that I don't understand curiosity in others.  I was surprised (very!) when Current Beau said he had a bachelor party and commented, "We had a really good time."  I did ask what they did, he refused to tell me, and reminded me he wasn't asking about details from my life 20-or 30 years ago.   
The decisions I made 10 years ago are not necessarily the decisions I'd make today.  And if you asked me about my past relationships, my memories might be more forgiving about how they ended on some days than others.  The last ten years of my marriage were not great, and there were things I said and did that I'm not proud of.  I wouldn't do those things again, because they were wrong, unfair,  and I'm a more mature human being now. 

It sounds as if NG has been categorized as untrustworthy in your mind, and nothing will completely reassure you.  If I was in that position, I would cut my losses.