Time Frame > Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months)

5 Months. A lifetime. A Day

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beth_krkswidow:
I am new here.  I am at 5 months and 2 days.  People think I should be "better."  I am not.  I am no better than the unspeakable moment my life ended when my husband died 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary.  I do not want to go on.  We were never able to have children.  So many widows in my Grief Groups (I go to 3) say, "If it weren't for my kids...".  I don't have kids.  And I have absolutely no reason to live.  I do not want to go on.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I wake up each morning and think, Oh :expletive: I'm still here.  I can't imagine living another month, let alone a year, a decade, multiple decades.  My life ended when he died.  He was my life.  He was my soul mate.  And I was his.  I do not know how to go on.  I just don't.

Mrskro:
OH Beth;

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to find us.   

No matter how many times I hear it, I still find it so ridiculous that people feel there is a time line on grief.   But speaking from experience (I just hit the 2 year mark) it does get easier. 

 I do have kids, but I felt exactly like you did.    My advice, take it one day at a time, moments if you have to.  Be easy on yourself.

Hugs

Wheelerswife:
Hi and welcome to our forum.

I understand what it is like to lose your spouse and really be alone.  I don't have kids, either.  It is hard to move forward in life when we find ourselves alone, especially when our minds were glued to the vision of living to old age with our spouses.  I knew my first husband would die young (he made it to 53), but I was unprepared for my second husband to die young as well (5 days shy of 57).  I feel more, sometimes, for those widowed much younger than I was (47 the first time) and those with little ones who have lost their Mommy or Daddy.

None-the-less, this impacts each of us similarly, yet differently based on our circumstances, temperament, etc.  My experience tells me that there will be a period of time before any of us can start to see the light, and that period of time is quite different for each of us.  The reality is that we do continue to live and breathe and somehow, we have to figure out how to continue making a life from what we have.  For me, I hate being miserable, and that itself seems to be a big motivation to try to figure out how to continue to live. 

In the mean time, we take this one day at a time...which in all honesty, is the only way we can live anyways.  Work on getting through today and this week.  I found this type of forum more helpful than grief groups, especially those that were for grief of any kind or those that had mostly people as old as my parents.  But you will do what works best for you and with the resources you have, too.

I'm sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us.

Maureen

beth_krkswidow:
Thank you so much, MrsK and Maureen.  Thanks especially for the hugs.

I guess I am taking it a moment at a time.  I am just so sick of people telling me I have got to be better by now.  Really, you must feel somewhat better!  Uh, no, I do not. 

One of my Grief Groups is only for "young" widows.  You must be under 65 and you must be widowed.  That is the best one.  The ones for anyone grieving, as you said, Maureen, are just not the same.  They don't understand.

I just don't understand how you go from where I am to actually wanting to live again, or actually looking forward to something.  I am dreading the holidays and pretty much just want to crawl in a hole.  Any little pain I have I hope is something serious.  Pain in the head? Hey!  Maybe it's an aneurysm!  You can't say this to your normal average person because they then argue with you and tell you that you have SO much to live for.  Uh... no.  No, I do not.  I have nothing go live for.  Absolutely nothing.  I love my pets, but they would be just fine with someone else. 

Sorry, and thanks for listening and for your kind responses.

Wheelerswife:
I had medical problems right after my second husband died. I had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I wanted it to just take me. But no, it didn't. It just served to reinforce that I don't have control of much in this life! 

Holidays are hard. I found the first year to be the worst. People wouldn't talk about the elephant in MY room. They were more concerned with not upsetting me or ruining the holiday. Frankly, it was easier to spend Christmas alone than Thanksgiving with family.

It isn't as hard as it used to be.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Maureen

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