Time Frame > Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months)

5 Months. A lifetime. A Day

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Seagirl:
I will be 5 months tomorrow. It is ok to not be better I think, I am new to this too and there is still so much to process and it is still so raw. We all have different situations and I know that at the moment I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. I try to get through and try to look forward. I try to convince myself that I have so much to live for but a lot of the time I find it hard to convince myself. I have found that it helps to try to be around a positive person as this seems to help. I know now who these people are and if I can I get out the door to see them. Animals are good I find. I have had times when I have been suicidal, I have rung help lines late at night and even joined a couple of online forums including this one.

I find that very few people understand what it feels like and know that there are no words really just raw emotion. Some people understand this and have empathy, others don't. I hear when you say you are sick of people saying stuff, one I get often is you are doing so well, you are so strong etc but I get tired of trying to answer this. I have a lot going on including kids but find that a lot of it is distraction, sometimes welcome and sometimes not. But I say again seek out the positive people, they seem to share their energy and as I find that I get extremely tired this is helpful.

I hope this sends some of this energy I have borrowed from these people to you and that some comfort comes to you. I also pray every night as I have always done as this helps for me. Love and hugs to you.

beth_krkswidow:
Thank you, Maureen and Seagirl.  Thank you.

You know, I used to be a great Prayer Warrior.  Now, I can barely pray.  I try.  I just can't do it.  If someone had asked me prior to my husband's death how I would survive were he to die, I would have said, "It would be horrible, but my faith would carry me through."  Sooo not true.  The only thing my faith is doing is keeping me from driving off a cliff.  I just can't find it or feel it or act on it anymore.

Thank you again for your encouraging words.  I am glad I found this and actually joined. 

mbanyard:
" I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. "

Boy....do I ever know what you mean here. Some days I am almost ok and then BAM, out of nowhere I am completely broadsided by it all again and slide right back to the beginning.

I also find that only those who have lived this hell can even come close to understanding what we are dealing with. That doesn't mean that there aren't those who have not experienced loss who want to help, and do help in their own way. They just cannot possibly get to the same place that we all are....nor would I wish them to.

I also have a lot going on, and MANY people trying to provide me with distractions. Most of the time it is completely ok, and other times I just need to curl up in my jammies and cry for the day. I think that both of these things are totally fine and that we can only do what we can at any given day, hour, minute, second.

I was exactly like you until a week or so ago...I prayed every day that something, ANYTHING, would just take me to be with him. A week ago I was reminded of my university friend's little girl, 5 years old, who had so much to live for an died of an aggressive children's lymphoma. The realization that I had been left here for a reason is what has driven me forward. I am now trying to do as much good as I can for others, and all in my late husband's name.

The other thing that I find has been helping me is writing a journal to my DH every night. I tell him about my day, my plans for the next, how I am feeling, what that day was like and how hard it was to go through it without him. I basically treat it as the discussion that we would have normally has each day. It\s my way to stay connected to him, but in a different way.

I hope some of this helps you to find a way to cope. I cannot personally get past that "just cope" stage yet, so I have no other insight to offer you, except to say keep coming here. These people have all helped me to find my path, when those physically around me could not.

Hugs
MB

Mizpah:
It's definitely ok to not be better, and to be frustrated by people rushing you to be where they want you to be.  I didn't have children either, and felt I could not survive the unbearable pain of widowhood.  At 5+ years out, I will tell you that you will not always feel as you do now, though I know that's no consolation at present.  It took me a couple years to start to feel alive again.  A friend of mine said it took him six.  For some people it's far shorter.  I too struggled with exactly what you said - nothing to look forward to, a future gone.  Reenvisioning a life takes a long long time and it's a very GRADUAL process.  I tried to force myself into healthy habits (such as getting sunlight, being physically active, etc.), but also allowed myself to have whatever feelings I had, no matter how bad (or good).  Thinking of you and wishing you solace.

born to run:
Thank you for talking about your pain. Feeling alone in all of this is one of the toughest aspects and your words could have been my own. I can't fathom that life still goes on, and that the world continues to live on, when my world just completely stopped.  Sometimes I think I might have a shot at making it through this, but most times I'm just shattered and lost. I'm just trying to keep moving, and keep swimming... it might not always be forward or in the right direction, but it's all we can do.
Hugs to you.  Please keep swimming.

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