Author Topic: Mentioning him  (Read 916 times)

Blue green

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Mentioning him
« on: October 27, 2016, 11:04:23 PM »
Do you think that it's awkward for others to mention your deceased during conversations? I'm so used to building him into conversations and it's hard not to do. But I don't want to make people uncomfortable or put a damper on things.

SemperFidelis

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Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2016, 01:09:39 AM »
I think each listener will have a different level of xomfort or discomfort with it....just depending on the inherent nature of the individual and also their life experiences.  Some people will break a sweat and others will naturally understand your need and desire to talk about the deceased.

That said, I am of the mindset that how they feel doesn't matter. Do what YOU need to do in the moment. Let them do the adapting....you are doing ENOUGH adapting as it is.


Julester3

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Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2016, 09:57:45 AM »
I seem to be okay with it. It comes up a lot and randomly. I suppose by talking about him with people, it makes him seem still present in a way.

WifeLess

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  • Widowed: August 2009 Remarried: June 2013
Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2016, 10:48:00 AM »
Blue green,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

A commonly raised issue among the recently widowed is the reluctance on the part many friends and family members to discuss our deceased spouse with us or even mention their name. To address this, an adaptation of a touching poem from "Saying Olin to Say Goodbye" by Donald Hackett has been posted on a number of online support sites for widows and widowers. I previously posted it on this site's predecessor YWBB, and more recently canadiangirl reposted it here:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1000.0.html

Sorry for your loss.

--- WifeLess

Quixote

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Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2016, 11:52:18 AM »
That's a beautiful poem, WifeLess.

Blue Green, at five years out, I still talk about my wife a lot.  I really hate the whole "don't mention the dead" thing our society has.  Your husband was a HUGE part of your life, of course he'll come up in conversation.  And it's especially important now.  Talk about the great times you two had, because the hell of the final days (or if it was sudden, the shock of that one awful day) can overshadow the person you loved and the life you shared together. 

I will say that you're going to have awkward moments.  But if the alternative is silence, awkwardness is a small price to pay.

mbanyard

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Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2016, 02:06:07 PM »
Welcome bluegreen. Like everybody else I'm really sorry you're here too, but glad you're among people who understand.

I have had people talk about my DH constantly in the last three months right through to the neighbour who strenuously avoids me because she doesn't want to acknowledge what has happened.|

I am learning that people will all come to the table with their own experiences and expectations which color how they approach us, the grieving. I am learning to just roll with it and pick up on the physical cues that there is discomfort there.

Hang in there....there are none of us alone!
MB

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

TornApart

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Re: Mentioning him
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2016, 02:23:20 AM »
Absolutely. Most people don't want to mention him, because they don't know how to deal with it. Most people will be looking for clues from you and your behaviour, I've found. I didn't mention him much at first because I was so, so worried about making other people feel uncomfortable. But eventually I realised that, for me, it felt like I couldn't talk about 10 years of my 33, which makes for a difficult conversation when it is already strained. And I felt like I was somehow being disloyal by not mentioning the most important person in my life. It actually caused me more pain bottling it up and not talking about him.

So I ended up talking about him freely and easily. A lot of people were really awkward about it at first, but then grew comfortable with it and even appreciated the chance to talk about something inevitable that our society tries not to acknowledge. Others stayed awkward about it. I would adjust to that a little bit, but I don't think my life becomes void and not a suitable topic of conversation just because something terrible happened. I refuse to be metaphorically locked away somewhere out of sight or hearing just because someone doesn't like recognising that we all die.

The others have good advice, especially mbanyard. But is all up to you and what makes you feel best. Let's be honest, it is all so incredibly painful, so you have to do what causes you the least pain and helps you heal and cope best, being true to yourself and your values.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." Kahlil Gibran