Author Topic: Don't talk about it  (Read 1404 times)

imissdow

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Don't talk about it
« on: October 31, 2016, 04:12:42 PM »
Today my youngest came home from school and told me that her friend e's dad had died. He had cancer and the two had talked about that. I had sent some information about the camp H attends and that E will now be able to attend for free untill she turns 16. E had been out of school for a week and H was wondering if she was sick, today was her first  day back.  So the guidance counselor came in and told my H not to talk about it. H made a card and told E how very sorry she was.  It really bothers me that the adults at school have told the kids that this subject is taboo.  I get that they don't want E upset but as we all know that idea is kind of pointless.  I'm sure E is already upset. I have told H that she could be a big help to E because she understands.  Child grief awareness day is coming up on Nov 17th might need to go to the school and make a point of telling them to recognize it and what both these young girls have lost. 
Ugh I am so annoyed!!!

tybec

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2016, 04:42:47 PM »
Wow, I understand your annoyance.  Maybe the family told the school folks not talk about it?  And they are being respectful?  I hope.

I did the opposite.  Son was 8.  I went to his classroom two days after the funeral and sat in his class and told the kids with him on my lap.  The guidance counselor was there, too.  I have handled a lot of difficult stuff with kids, but NOT my kid.  I did it with him. Not sure how.  It was good for my child and his friends.  No secrets, then.

klim

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2016, 05:19:36 PM »
I don't know how old your kids are but I loved that  a number of highschool teachers took it upon themselves to get the classes to sign sympathy card for my sons which the then gave to them when they got back to class. Yes they were emotional but they also knew that everybody was aware and it seemed to ease them back in. I think ignoring it would have made it more awkward.
I also think it helps kids who are just learning empathy and sympathy to be guided thorough some of these process. it was interesting to see what kids wrote.
<a data-flickr-embed="true"  href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/76752159@N08/35633945020/in/dateposted-public/" title="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"><img src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35633945020_f20f4231a2.jpg" width="300" height="225" alt="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

oneoftwo

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2016, 07:36:40 PM »
Hi
I dont know how old these kids are. In our case mine were in high school and elementary school. It happened over a short school break, we had about a week before they went back. I made sure to call one friend for each of my kids and spoke to their parents. And had them visit with the friend before school went back. So that my kids knew that someone else, a friend, also knew (in addition to teachers, principal, who I also called individually).  Each of the friends that I called were pretty outspoken and popular, I thought they would have helped shoulder anything weird that was said. 
Maybe your child can be that friend. Just to say once, "I know, I'm sorry".
later my older two had a boy in their class who's sister was killed in a nationally high profile case. I didnt know it but when we found out she was from our area I mentioned it, and they said "Yeah, her brother is on our English class". I asked them to not be afraid to just say "I heard, I'm sorry", since they had also had a huge loss. Because at their age sometimes that from another kid could mean a real big deal.

It's hard, you dont want your kid to grow up so fast due to all this. Maybe if you can contact the family separately as well, or instead?
Its so strange they told your child to not speak about it. As if that helps
 

Julester3

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2016, 07:54:39 PM »
I think it depends as well. My girls were in middle school and high school when my husband passed. The middle school asked permission if they could disclose the information and I let them. They made cards for for my daughter and together as a homeroom class, they made her a no-sew fleece blanket because it would be like a hug from them when she would need it. The high school was a little different and left it up to my daughter to disclose or not though all her teachers were notified. I would guess the family is withholding permission to disclose the information so knowing your kid's experience, that is why they said what they did. I think reaching out on your own may be a better solution regardless how the school decides to handle it.

imissdow

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2016, 08:29:17 PM »
Kids are in 5th grade, 10 yo. Some how E told H about dad being sick and whatnot. E has been quite open with my H.  H made her a card and went and told her how sorry she was.  We are new to the district so I have met none of the kids or parents at this point. We have a children's grief center not even 3 miles from the school maybe I'll go get some info for H to pass on.

tybec

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2016, 08:57:15 PM »
Boy, each situation is so different, and age wise, too.  My DH picked up our son from an after school care program daily.  He was playful, loud and a big guy, and so the kids were always drawn to him or at least, knew him.  Those kids wrote cards and letters to my son.  His classroom did too, and the principal, guidance counselor and some other staff all came to the visitation.  Small town, so news travels.  Larger cities, larger schools, not being there very long in the system, all different.

But if your daughter can help out.  The info from the grief center sounds wonderful to share.

At DS' 6th grade parent/teacher conference, a child had lost a parent and the teacher told me she thought my DS could help the other child out and that he had the personality to do so.  In 4th grade, his teacher told me he was one of four to lose a parent (military post near by) in the four 4th grade classes.  So, not alone at all. 

serpico

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2016, 11:51:15 PM »
Wow, I understand your annoyance.  Maybe the family told the school folks not talk about it?  And they are being respectful?  I hope.

This was my thought as well.  I think absent my other information it would be best to listen to the guidance counselor.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

oneoftwo

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2016, 01:33:22 AM »
Respectfully, no.
A guidance counselor is not a grief counselor.

serpico

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2016, 09:46:19 AM »
Respectfully, no.
A guidance counselor is not a grief counselor.

Clearly, but who in this situation is?  The guidance counselor likely talked to the child's family and is simply carrying out their wishes.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Mrskro

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2016, 04:46:33 PM »
I'm not sure I think it's "likely" the guidance counselor talked to the family.   The ones at my daughter's school refused to return my calls and were generally more disruptive to my daughter than helpful.   

fuchsiasky

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Re: Don't talk about it
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2016, 11:21:15 PM »
My daughters school and classmates were really supportive. Made cards and sent a food hamper.  It was so sweet.  I was able to go in and talk to the class with kaiya and the school counselor.  I explained what happened and answered questions.  A parent layer thanked for that.  It opened the conversation so they could continue it with their parents at home.  I'm so grateful to the school for being awesome 
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