Author Topic: I think it broke me  (Read 3254 times)

beth_krkswidow

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I think it broke me
« on: November 03, 2016, 10:02:58 AM »
I think it broke me.  I really do.  I don't think I can come back.  It's over 5 months and it is no better.  I don't know how to go on.  I certainly don't want to go on.  I'm just broken. 
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Quixote

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2016, 02:12:30 PM »
Everyone here has their own answers.  I don't know what yours will be. But I hope you find it

My answer in those terrible early days was that I had to care for our dog. Stupid, huh?  It wasn't some high minded thought like "life is a gift" or the cliched "she would want you to be happy".  It was the fact my dog needed to walked in the morning.  Got me moving, even though I didn't care anymore.

You'll never stop hurting.  But eventually that hurt softens and you start learning to live again.  But not today.  Today, just do what it takes to get through

Bill1972

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2016, 02:24:05 PM »
It broke me too.
hugs.

TornApart

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2016, 05:03:58 PM »
It does shatter you into pieces. I am so sorry. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get more bearable over time. One breath at a time and focused on the smallest things, as quixote suggested. My cats kept me alive for over a year when I didn't think I could survive, wasn't sure I wanted to. You slowly put all those shattered pieces together. And you are proud of your strength and endurance. Once you realise you can survive this terrible experience, you know you can do anything. Please trust us on this. I am almost 4 years out, and it took me over 18 months to feel like life was worth living. But it is. It truly is.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." Kahlil Gibran

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2016, 05:30:06 PM »
Quixote,  Bill, and TornApart, thank you so much for responding. Hugs and thanks. So much
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Julester3

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2016, 05:41:16 PM »
I think you can still function and still feel broken. I feel broken still but I can function and find causes to justify doing something. I have a lot of love to give and I know what drew my husband to me. I could potentially make someone else feel loved with what I have to offer but I feel too broken to give what I have to anyone out of my inner sphere. I never intended to have to contemplate giving any love to anyone but my husband, children, family and friends. The unbearable hurt can overwhelm you but not thinking of the big picture of life and focusing just on the small snapshot of just yourself and your immediate surroundings can be enough to get by.

Hugs for you today. There is no race to be run. Be easy on yourself and make tiny goals. I can be proud of myself if I can get dressed for the day and simply leave the house for anything versus staying in my yoga pants and never going out.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2016, 09:34:30 PM »
"Hugs for you today. There is no race to be run. Be easy on yourself and make tiny goals. I can be proud of myself if I can get dressed for the day and simply leave the house for anything versus staying in my yoga pants and never going out."

Hm.  Yup.  True.  Thanks.  And thanks for the hugs.  Much needed.d
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Wheelerswife

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2016, 08:02:35 AM »
Yes. Losing a spouse breaks us, each in his or her own way. But it doesn't have to "trash" us. Some of us take longer to rebuild. We are changed. We can not go back to who or what we were before completely, but that is kind of the same as when other major events in life happen.

I know that the death of my second husband broke me harder than the death of my first  husband. I don't know why I wasn't as resilient as I was after my first husband died, but that is my reality. It has been almost 3 years since my second husband died, and I am approaching another big change in my life. I hope that I can make another transition with grace instead of collapse.  Perhaps the bigger factor was the unexpected circumstances of my second husband's death and the immediate serious health issues that followed.

I don't think very many people feel too solid in the first months after the loss of a spouse. I don't think that how you are doing at that point is a good predictor of future functioning. Hang in there and try not to look too far into the future.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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TooSoon

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2016, 08:46:33 AM »
Once I fully accepted the reality of my situation, I realized how broken I was and it took a long time to recover.  The whole ordeal - which for me lasted through two traumatic years as a caregiver and at least two years to pull myself back together after he died (its now nearly four years since he died) - changed me inexorably, in both positive and negative ways.  Yes, something broke in me that can never be repaired, but I am no longer broken.  Over time the difference between those two things became clear but I sure couldn't make that distinction for a very long time.  Sending you all support and hope. 
« Last Edit: November 04, 2016, 09:12:45 AM by TooSoon »

serpico

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2016, 02:32:11 PM »
I'm not sure it's accurate to say you'll never stop hurting.  In my case the hurt did go away over time.  I'd just hate for you to believe that you'll always hurt when that may not be the case.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

calimom

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2016, 11:16:15 PM »
Five months was the deepest darkest time for me. How you feel now is very likely not how you'll feel as more time passes. Trust me, this does get better for most of us. It takes time, and it takes some work on your part. Things will ease up, hang in there.

And do keep posting and making connection here with others in your timeframe. It helps more than you know. There is so much support here.
"I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom" - REM

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2016, 04:13:04 PM »
Thank you
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

SoVerySad

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2016, 04:42:13 AM »
I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a hug. Around the 5 month mark for me, I started to feel so much worse. I had been warned that could happen, but I could not imagine the pain could get worse. Then it did. I was sure I was completely broken. I truly was, I think. People told me it would get better, but it didn't for quite a while. I had several others traumatic issues occur after his death, so I had to put my grief at his loss aside to deal with those, so don't be worried by my timeline. It was skewed by those events.

I can tell you that although I was broken, I have begun to put myself back together again. Slowly, piece by piece. I've realized once the pieces get put together, I'll be different than I was before I was broken. Small pieces of me were lost along the way. My life is not going look like it did while my husband was here, but I have started to live again. I have color in my world where there had been only darkness and grey. I think this is the first year I've really noticed again how beautiful the trees are since they changed colors. I'm singing to myself again. I can't tell you how it happened. I guess it just took this much time FOR ME. It is different for everyone, because each of us has unique circumstances and personalities.

One thing I kept going back to was a member here, Wifeless, replied to me early on and told me to remember I wouldn't always feel the way I did then. When I felt totally lost, I would repeat those words to myself over and over. It took me a while to actually feel a little better. I still have days where it feels really hard to be without my husband. But I'm managing it now. I've had glimpses of hope I'll be happy again, as I've genuinely experienced it at times.

At your stage, I really didn't think I could stand it. Just know that there were many of us who felt the same way and we're finding or have found our way through the pain to live life more fully again. I truly had to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through.

Tight hugs...

















Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Soryashusband

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2016, 12:16:16 PM »
When I saw the thread title, I thought "That's exactly how I feel." Like there's nothing left to put together.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2016, 05:42:53 PM »
Yup.  So sorry you feel the same way.  So sorry we're here.  Hugs to you. 
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...