Author Topic: I think it broke me  (Read 3244 times)

Soryashusband

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #15 on: December 01, 2016, 03:40:36 AM »
On one hand I'm glad to have other people who understand what I'm going through. On the other, I wish no one else has to be going through this as well.

MR

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #16 on: December 01, 2016, 10:19:43 AM »
Same here yesterday was 3 months. Some days I don't cry much but some days can't stop. It seems life has stopped for me and I am dragging it forward for kids.

Hugs to everyone

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #17 on: December 01, 2016, 02:08:08 PM »
Yes.  Life has stopped.  Existence.  Just going through the motions.  My reason for living is gone.  He was my everything.  I hit it out of the park with him.  Grand slam.  I want him back.  It still hasn't gotten through my head that he really really is never ever coming back. That I will never ever see him again in this life.  Why can't I wrap my head around that? 
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Wheelerswife

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #18 on: December 01, 2016, 02:40:00 PM »
It really takes time to process this kind of loss.  Some of us really need to say this over and over again, to ourselves and to whomever might listen.  That is some of the beauty of this board.  We get it, and you can ramble on to your heart's content to try to wrap your head around this reality.

I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the loss of my second husband.  Even though I had been through this before and I had come through the darkness and found goodness in life, I couldn't even rely on my own experience to recognize that I truly could come through the darkness again.  It has taken me longer, and I can't really say that I am out of all of the darkness yet, but I know I am moving forward.

I understand that other people's words aren't always that convincing.  But as Portside said recently, there have been a lot of people on this website and its predecessor that no longer come here...and that is mostly because life has improved and they are much less focused on being widowed.  Some of us more seasoned wids come here to try to support newer wids - I come here because it was important to me when I was new to see people further out who had walked this road.

I will say, though, that some of the best support you can have is from people who lost their spouses in a similar time frame as you.  They are the people most likely to understand where you are right now.  Find them.  Connect with them.  Go to the chat room in those long hours when you are alone.  I met some great people in the chat room when I was a newbie...

Sending hugs...

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #19 on: December 01, 2016, 03:26:40 PM »
Thank you, Maureen.  What was the old board and why did it end?  I see Ywbb and don't know what it stands for.  I figured out the YW, just not the bb. /Thanks for coming back for the newbies.
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Wheelerswife

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #20 on: December 01, 2016, 03:42:51 PM »
YWBB was Young Widows Bulletin Board.  It closed just prior to this board opening...because, I understand, the moderators had moved on in their lives and no longer wanted the upkeep.

It was sad to see over a decade of wisdom just disappear.  I'm grateful that some members of this board immediately went to work and set up a new board so we could migrate to a new place. 

Again...all of you newer wids...reach out to each other.  There is a private message feature here.  Don't be afraid to use it to send a message you don't wish to have public.  Ask if there are people who live near you.  Meet for coffee or lunch or dinner.  You will be amazed at how strangers can quickly become friends.

My first large bago was in Dallas/Fort Worth Texas.  I had only "met" people through messages on the old board or in the chat room.  There were 25 of us there that weekend.  That's a lot of people, I know.  But we became fast friends.  We had fun.  If you see the bago pictures that Wifeless posted, you will see people smiling.  That is because we are amongst people who get us and don't question how we can be laughing one minute and have tears of sadness trickling from our eyes the next minute.  Mostly, though, people find themselves at home with other people who understand our losses. 

I'm rambling now.  My message...connect with others.

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

piecesofapart

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #21 on: December 03, 2016, 08:43:38 PM »
I am sorry for the reason you are here...but glad you found us.

This is truly the best place of all places you can be right now with those who honestly know what you are going thru and will listen and support you.

So please feel free to post anytime as much as you want and anything you want- we "get it"- 1000+!

This board has helped me so much in so many ways..that I want to try to give back and give new widows hope that they too can learn to live again.

My husband completed suicide 3+ years ago...I recall the first days and weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain and how it too broke me. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow…. When you are ready….

There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish…and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I’ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it – and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like you are lost in the ocean, just keep swimming as best as you can…
This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better.

A cut finger
is numb before it bleeds,
it bleeds before it hurts,
it hurts until it begins to heal,
it forms a scab and itches
until finally, the scab is gone
and a small scar is left
where once there was a wound.
Grief is the deepest wound
you ever had.
Like a cut finger,
it goes through stages,
and leaves a scar.
But how do you face each day until that happens?

What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don’t want to do anything- and that’s OK! Just do what is most important even if it’s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Grief will take a lot out of you- so be gentle with yourself and know everyone processes and goes thru it in their own way.

My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal and posting here-as been my sanity- everyone is so supportive as only those who have been there can be.

If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you.
(i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, etc. – people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won’t always be there- so take it when it’s offered-.)

That being said- you'll need to find more in person support than your family and friends can give.

There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widda.org IMO is the best and most active- and many on Facebook too- Grief Unspoken is wonderful as well, because you can get support at all times of the day and night. I've learned that getting my thoughts out-helped release them and prevented them from going over and over in my mind so I processed them and began to understand them and accept them.

When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful. (thru the local hospitals hospice division I found a FREE therapist- even though I had nothing to do with the hospital or hospice they were willing to help me- and just being able to talk freely to someone who would not judge me, and just listen- helped a great deal in the first few weeks.

It was hard not to dwell on him being “gone forever” but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave. (He is still with me- death ends a life...not a relationship- so I still talk to him everyday- and have learned to be in tune to the signs he leaves for me to let me know he is still with me...just on the other side.) If you believe in signs too- there is a wonderful group on Facebook- Heaven’s Hellos.

Please reach out, I promise it will help.
Wishing you peace....

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #22 on: December 06, 2016, 10:09:25 AM »
Thank you so much,  for taking the time, both of you. Means so much.  Hugs of gratitude
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Raymond

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #23 on: December 06, 2016, 11:12:13 AM »
Hello, my wife of 25 years passed the last day of this summer after our battle with cancer.  She suffered two strokes as a reaction to chemo.  The first she came back from but the second we lost a good chunk of her mentally and physically.  The last month I was more of a caregiver than anything else and I did in deed break.  You could talk to my wife but not with her, almost akin to dementia.  The last stroke had great effect to her emotional centers (which I look back now and believe it a blessing).  She had an emotional aphasia and didn't laugh, cry, anger etc. .  .  one night while tucking her into bed I lost it and puddled on the floor weeping.  Apologizing to my wife, my best friend and mother of my children that I was breaking, the year long battle was fraying the edges.  I crawled into bed and cried with my head on her chest.  She, in her matter of fact tone told me it was okay, "I broke you".

Her birthday is one week away, she would have been 47.  It will be three months on December 21, which coincidentally was the date of her first stroke.  Her words echo in my mind.

Oddly, I take comfort in my pain for it reminds me of how great was my love.  If you choose to live life with love then you also have given the power to those you love to shatter you . . . to break you.  Lately my mind has twisted the echo to hear "I love you", instead of "I broke you".  I think my love chose those words wisely, so many meanings behind them.

You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does. 




Julester3

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2016, 08:20:47 AM »
You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does.

That is so true and you put it so eloquently.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2016, 01:03:00 PM »
"Oddly, I take comfort in my pain for it reminds me of how great was my love.  If you choose to live life with love then you also have given the power to those you love to shatter you . . . to break you.  Lately my mind has twisted the echo to hear "I love you", instead of "I broke you".  I think my love chose those words wisely, so many meanings behind them.

You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does."

So true.  So profound.  I will try to remember this.   
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

kimclerner

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #26 on: December 10, 2016, 08:50:54 PM »
I think it broke me.  I really do.  I don't think I can come back.  It's over 5 months and it is no better.  I don't know how to go on.  I certainly don't want to go on.  I'm just broken.

Beth, I feel exactly as you do. Tomorrow will be four months since my husband, Matthew, died and my grief has intensified over the last month.  My heart and soul are broken - I still can't truly comprehend that I'll never see his sweet face again. I see no end to the pain..

Kim

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #27 on: December 13, 2016, 10:06:36 PM »
Kim, no words, just hugs.just hugs.
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Lolligagger1983

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2016, 11:05:03 PM »
I'm approaching the six month mark. I feel so lost and broken too. At some points I've felt like giving up. I don't want to be here w out him. However I don't have a choice and it's horrible. I have a dog and really he's what keeps me going he needs me to take care of him. He needs me to walk him feed him and bathe him and my husband loved our pup more than anything. On my worst days this dog keeps me going. But I do have those days when I don't want to do anything I don't want to work or shower but no matter what I take care of my pup. I don't know if you have kids or pets but maybe you can turn to them to help you on your worst days. If I didn't have this dog I would be a really sad mess. I guess thank goodness for animals.

And I'm in no way preaching but before my husbands passkng I never went to church and had little to no faith in god. However for some reason after his passing I started praying at night. Thanking god for what I have and asking him to let my Husband know how much I love and miss him. I have very bad anxiety most days but for some reason praying helps. It eases my mind. I don't know but it works.

I don't know if this will help you but maybe it will? Thanks for reading and I'm glad I was able to share my experience with you.

#hugs

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I think it broke me
« Reply #29 on: December 23, 2016, 08:14:37 PM »
Thank you.
Funny, we're the same and we're opposite.

Pets. YEes, I have 2 huge dogs, a cat who barged in on our  no cats household... and a blind horse. YEs, they help

I was a big prayer warrior before.  But now I find it difficult to pray?

Thanks so much... and hugs to you
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...