Author Topic: Dating and insecurities  (Read 1371 times)

tybec

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Dating and insecurities
« on: November 06, 2016, 07:29:45 PM »
Just looking for some validation here.  This strange paradox we live. I have been dating NG 9 months.  Time flies.  Long distance, so not able to see each other as often as we like.  But this is the thing.  I am swinging from feeling so great about it all to being completely insecure about everything!  I HATE this.  He is as transparent as they come, stating he knows no other way to be.  He says what he means, he means what he says.  Nothing to hide, open book.    I overthink it all.  I didn't feel this insecurity with my DH.  I was just with him, no matter, and in 28 years of togetherness, there wasn't this ambivalence.  I just KNEW, trusted and expected we would always be together.  This insecurity is awful feeling and very unattractive, so I do not communicate it much as I know it is my head game. Geez.....   Why it has to be so different? Just a rant. 

TooSoon

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2016, 09:39:49 PM »
I was in a two-plus year long distance relationship with a widower I met on ywbb.  Long distance is not for everyone but it worked for us.  If you want to talk more, just send a pm. Lots of highs and lows in the LDR.  We stuck together through those tough times apart when I acted like a lunatic because I wasn't just yet ready to believe anything could be permanent again.  In the end it made us a stronger pair, though like all couples, widowed or not, it is a negotiation.   Sending you only support.   

MrsDan

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2016, 08:02:13 AM »
tybec I've really struggled with this throughout my relationship with my boyfriend. I will say that it's gotten better over the last several months but there were plenty of times when it really had me down. I think time has helped in that our relationship has deepened and as a result the ground feels firmer under my feet. Like you, I've largely worked through it on my own, trying really hard not to get in my own way. Now and again I "check in" with him, to affirm where we're at and where we're headed, while trying not to obsess about it. It's an approach that' s been pretty successful, but it can be challenging at times.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

tybec

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2016, 08:38:22 AM »
Thank you both for your support and validation.  It is getting a bit better.  WE are spending more time together, even the off weekends when he has his kids, I am getting together with them with my DS, so we are testing the waters that way, too.  I have decided to tell myself, a mantra, which is true, that he means what he says and says what he means.  He has told me that from the beginning, from his profile on line.  He doesn't have time for less than that, and sometimes he is too brutally straight forward  :o.  So, that is helping to remind me where he states he is, so I don't second guess.  33 years of no dating except my dear husband, and that is a challenge.  Again, this awesome board helps me to see, read, about others maneuvering successfully this uncharted territory.  So glad to have folks to bounce things off.  And I NEVER DREAMED I would be here, dating, in a relationship.  So much hope.   :-*

Prov31cadet

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2016, 05:40:39 PM »
I am right there with you! My boyfriend and I had a great weekend together, and tonight I'm doubting things. We have been dating 5 months. I keep checking in with him also to see if we are okay, and he tells me I overthink things.😜 I know I do, but I'm not sure how to get past it. Thanks for for your posts, Ladies!

Virgo

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2016, 11:47:29 PM »
I feel the same insecurities, but I also remember feeling  insecure in the beginning of my relationship with my late husband too. Love grows as the relationship gets stronger, and those insecurities will fade. What I try to remind myself of.  My NG and I have only been dating a few months, so still getting to know each other.  One day at a time.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

sdarrah1130

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2016, 07:25:30 AM »
NG and I have been together 13 months and are now engaged.  We are marrying in July 2017.  I still go through the insecurities everyday.  There are days when I feel like my life is right where it should be and other times I second guess everything. 

He has 4 daughters 18, 16, 14, 10 and I have none.  So not only am I insecure sometimes regarding the relationship but also becoming a step-mom. 

We are still living apart but I know once I am there full time a lot of the insecurities will dissipate.
Sandy - E's Wife

"My Darlin, you are wonderful tonight......"

arneal

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Re: Dating and insecurities
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2016, 11:02:44 PM »
Glad to see I'm not alone :-[ NG and I aren't long distance but I go through the insecurity thing. As was mentioned, time certainly helps. I look back over my first marriage (we were together for nine years) and there was no trust. The second marriage (we were together for 16 years) grew into a very trusting situation. And now here I am, six months into a new thing  :) I typically do a good job of talking myself off the worry ledge but it's also about getting to know how a new person thinks and interacts with the world. NG is very different than my first or second husbands and I am still getting used to that.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b