Author Topic: I Still can't believe he's not coming back  (Read 1261 times)

beth_krkswidow

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I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« on: November 15, 2016, 04:10:51 PM »
I will be at 6 months on the day after Thanksgiving.  Sometimes it feels like minutes, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime.  But always it feels as if I can't breathe.  I cannot believe that at this "advanced" point, I still find it incomprehensible that he is gone.  I was outside taking care of our blind horse today, something he always did.  And I thought, you're really not coming back, are you?  I still can't wrap my head around that. 

It's so real in some ways... the gut-wrenching physical pain, the depression, the not wanting to go on, the hopelessness, the helplessness...  But in other ways, it just can't be real.  It just can't.
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Wheelerswife

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2016, 08:00:30 PM »
6 months is not a long time...yet it might sometimes feel like decades have passed.  Deep pain has set in.  The early busy tasks are finished...at least the ones that "had" to be done.  Now there is a list of shoulds, but no motivation, no energy to fuel getting things finished, and a heap of holidays, too.

It is no wonder you feel like crap.

I don't know if this is helpful, but you will continue to put one foot in front of the other.  You have done it for 6 months.  I know that sometimes I didn't know how I was going to get through the next hours, day, weeks, ordeal, or family gathering.  But I did it.  This pain softens in time, more quickly for some, slower for others, but it does. 

I've been through this twice, and believe it or not, having done it once didn't help me much with getting through the second time.  I knew the process, yet I still felt the despair and the deep, deep pain of the loss of my second wonderful love.  I'm approaching 3 years in January, and I have become more accustomed to being alone and not having my husband here to love and support me.  It still hurts.  I still get teary when my husband comes up in conversation and when his colleagues grace me with memories of him, but I have fewer meltdowns and anxiety attacks.

I wanted you to know that I hear you and I hurt for you and I would hug all the pain away if I could.  Keep posting and getting your thoughts and feelings out. 

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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beth_krkswidow

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2016, 09:41:40 PM »
Thanks, Maureen. You're a gem
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Kaycee

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2016, 10:58:59 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel the same way about my husband. It doesn't seem real. Sending hugs your way.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2016, 10:23:08 AM »
Thank you, Kaycee.  It's so surreal. 

Hugs
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

MR

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2016, 11:11:07 AM »
I am not 6 months but 2.5 months but still feels it is dream and someone will wake me up. Keep moving forward and hope God will help us.

Mikenter

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2016, 11:29:34 AM »
Being so short in I really don't know what to say but in a way I think they're not gone. Our loved ones live in our memories forever to come. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It feels like forever but 6 months is such a short time. There will never be enough time, but one step at a time we all make it.

mbanyard

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2016, 10:28:32 AM »
Oh Beth. I'm so sorry that so many of us can relate to what you're saying here. It is the hardest journey that any of us will take, and one that none of us ever thought we'd take at this point in our lives.

I find myself almost daily going through some period of "seriously????" and "how can it be over 4 months." The reality for me is that it has been, he is gone and he is not coming back. (I even called out to him when I came home a few days ago.....and then it all comes crashing back down to the start.)

It is incomprehensible for us to accept that our life partner has gone on without us and we are here alone. Sure, we all know on some level that one of us will leave before the other and that one will be left, but nobody thinks it will happen to them and surely nobody thinks it will happen to them before you have grown old together.

All I can say to you at this point is that I am allowing myself to approach things as they come to me and to get through them one hurdle at a time....the next minute...the next hour...the next day.....the next event. We have no choice but to get through them, so I have set myself daily goals to allow myself to try to feel some forward momentum in the morass of misery.

Today, for example, my goal is to tidy the vanity, order gifts for my family on the other coast online, go for a nice long walk with my pup, and be kind to myself in some way.

Perhaps some sort of short term goal setting would be helpful for you, but as our journeys are all unique, perhaps it won't be. Might be worth a  shot though.

Hugs and Support to you,
Misty B
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2016, 10:42:45 AM »

It is incomprehensible for us to accept that our life partner has gone on without us and we are here alone. Sure, we all know on some level that one of us will leave before the other and that one will be left, but nobody thinks it will happen to them and surely nobody thinks it will happen to them before you have grown old together.


Exactly.

Thank you, Misty.

What you say about setting goals is good advice.  I have not been able to do that.  I SET the goals, then I just sit and stare.  I am fine when I am out, say, at work.  Not fine, I guess, but I can fake it and get through it for the most part.  Anytime I am out.  But when I get home, I just sit and stare.  Despite the mound of paperwork, housework, etc. etc. that is calling to me, and that I have planned to do! 
Sending warm hugs back to you,

Beth
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

mbanyard

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2016, 05:24:05 PM »
I hear ya....and I get it. I still have days like that a well.

For me, I have forced myself to do, first one thing that day, then two, then several. It's not easy, but it was the only way forward for me. I hope you can find your path as well.

Thinking of you!
Misty B
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!

Laura1612

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2016, 10:41:08 PM »
Forcing myself to do goals is the hardest. Yesterday, my goals were

1. Brush my teeth
2. Pay my bills

It took me all day. Today, besides work, it was:

1. Take out trash
2. Write a blog entry

I've succeeded. I do feel better. But I really don't give myself more than two goals a day at just two weeks out. If one of them is "shower," that's OK, too.

I am thinking of you Beth. Try and stand strong with me.

Laura
May the Force be with you.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I Still can't believe he's not coming back
« Reply #11 on: November 23, 2016, 09:15:47 PM »
Thanks,  Laura

You're amazing.  I didn't pay any bills for a couple months. Still hard to remember to do that

I will try and stay strong with you.

Let's get through tomorrow.  It's just a day.

Hugs
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...