Author Topic: 9 months out today...just 9 and already 9  (Read 546 times)

Tatianakm

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9 months out today...just 9 and already 9
« on: November 29, 2016, 07:47:59 PM »
9 months out today, was lurking behind the scenes for a while now, every time I felt like writing, I have reconsidered right away.  And this is how it seems to be in life generally  now- can't find any connections that feel worth while my effort to establish or maintain. People around have been amazing, from my in-laws to complete strangers, who wanted to comfort, make me feel less lonely, included. I do appreciate the effort and attention, even try to push myself to reciprocate, keep reminding myself that perhaps new people in my life are meant to be there, meant to offer new experiences. Some days I want to be there, but the minute I am out, I cant wait to plop back on the floor in my living room- complete mess filled with my little girl's toys and just roll round with her all day long, in PJ, and not be bothered with the outside world. I am becoming a recluse, realize that I shouldn't, for the sake of my daughter...I know, I am rambling some nonsense...
I am grateful that this first November without him is almost over: our birthdays are in November, Thanksgiving- big family Holiday...what's my family now?
I seem to drift indifferently from day to day... I survived, what is next? First time ever I am not looking forward to Christmas, and at the same time know that I have to put the effort in to make it special for my little girl. She deserves to have a life filled with joy and fun- I put on the daily show for her, for my friends, old and new, for my workplace, people who rely on me to perform; in reality I would love just to get slushed and cry myself to sleep.

What is your experience? Did you "fake it till you make it"? When did you reconnect with life? Any advice here? Or, really just thank you for listening.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Mrskro

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Re: 9 months out today...just 9 and already 9
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2016, 06:01:26 AM »
I'm a little over two years out now. and yep definitely went with the "fake it till you make it" approach. 

In my experience, the first Christmas was really hard (I was only at 3 months then) and have a similar timeline to you.  My DH passed Sept 29th, our anniversary was Oct 9, our birthdays the beginning of November.  It all sucked.  My kids and I have kept a lot of the same traditions and added some of our own.  We decided the first year to stay home and hold Christmas dinner here, we invited all of our friends who either didn't have family, or family lives out of town.  It's now become a thing, my husband's best friend has remarried and yet I've been told they are still coming here for dinner.

Everyone's timeline is a bit different.  For me, the first year was just about surviving.  Getting through it. I am an introvert, so become a recluse was easy.   The second year was about starting to lay out a new normal, re-discovering me, learning to be by myself. 

I don't really have advice, sorry!  I do think I started to reconnect to life midway through the 2nd year.   For me, the hardest part is figuring out what's next.   

Hugs

beth_krkswidow

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Re: 9 months out today...just 9 and already 9
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2016, 06:04:08 PM »
Definitely 'fake it till I make it' at work and in public.  But then, ironically, it ticks me off when people think I'm fine.  Guess I fake it well.  Or maybe it just ticks me off that people could believe I'd actually be ok.  At home, and in the car, I am a mess.  I don't understand why I always cry in the car.
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...