Author Topic: Who else is 10+ years out?  (Read 2652 times)


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Who else is 10+ years out?
« on: March 20, 2015, 11:42:11 PM »
I know I never thought I would make it weeks, much less months or years, early on.  But here I am, almost 10.5 years after M died.  He would have been 40 this spring.  That just seems completely insane - how is that possible?  It will be 20 years ago this fall since we started dating, in college.  We went on our first sort-of date in high school - almost 23 years ago.  That time seems so long ago now.  And I have been remarried for 7.5 years now, have two kids with my now-husband.  Trying to wrap my head around how much time has passed is just crazy at times. 

But overall, things are good.  There have just been several things going on lately that have touched the raw nerves that are still there.

So - wondering who else is around 10+ years out, and how things are looking for you these days.
M., 1975-2004
Remarried 2007.


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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2015, 12:21:58 PM »
I am just a bit behind you and I remember your posts from the old board.

It's been 12 years since my LH got sick and was eventually diagnosed. He had dementia almost from the start that worsened rapidly in the year after his diagnosis, so it feels to me as though he has been dead longer than he actually has been.

He'd be 41. He was ten years younger than I am. It didn't seem to matter back then and I wonder if it would have if he'd not become ill. A what-if.

I've been remarried for almost 8 years. Met a Canadian and emigrated and am now a citizen of Canada. Husband is the only father my daughter knows and most people are unaware that he isn't her biological father. Surprised when they find out because she is so much like him. Nurture over nature in this particular case.

I don't have wicked grief moments unless I deliberately open that door and go back in time. Hanging around here to help get the site grounded and going has been a bit of a tight rope walk.

But rarely do more than a few weeks in a row go by when I am not reminded. Not unpleasantly but I don't forget. Songs will come on the radio. I will notice the resemblance of around daughter's eyes. See a white truck. Really little things. And it's like "oh, right."

I thought my fiftieth birthday would be a big deal but it wasn't. Or the fifteenth anniversary of our wedding. Nope. Maybe I am just too content and settled where I am at?

The only thing that really gets me - in a guilt way at that - is the fact that I can honestly say I have never been happier or felt more secure in my entire life (and if you knew much about my childhood, you'd know how huge this is) and I couldn't say that when I was with LH even before he got sick. And I feel bad about that because he was a good man. He loved me.

Looking back though is like reading a book or watching a tv show about someone else sometimes.

Distance? Wisdom? Enlightenment? I don't know. But it's okay.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

Linda L

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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2015, 05:04:57 PM »
I hit the 12 year mark in January.  I remember both of you.  I am happy you got to fulfill your dream to be a mom, Karen.  I, too, am pretty happy with my life right now, although I have not remarried.  I have a high school junior and an eighth grader and keeping up with them pretty much takes up my time.  Funny how getting recoupled seems to be less important to me these days.  I enjoy my independence and know I can handle things ok on my own.
It's not what happens to you, but what you do with it, that defines your life.


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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2015, 11:00:53 PM »
Me.  It will be 13 years in July.

I have a fabulous life that is full of joy -- it is a different life that anything I imagined, and would not be possible if he were still alive.  It gets DIFFERENT.

My kids are 24 & 33 - they were 11 & 20. 
I will be 57 in May, was 44 --- he died at 58 and I never really got the 'I'm older than he/she got to be...' until a year or so ago -- fuq, is that one gonna blow or suck or ??? in 2016/17

I've had 2 semi-serious relationships since -- neither got far enough to share space or a future, both were fantastic guys.  One is still a friend, the other has dropped off the horizon.
I have acknowledged that it could be me --- I have an unnatural and demanding need for honesty and there isn't much of that around in the pools that I'm casting my line.   I seem to still have 'it' and get attention wherever males hang out -- occasionally something will go 2 or 3 dates... then one of us comes to our senses ;)

I don't really know why I hang around here -- a sense of duty?  paying it forward?  I go for weeks and weeks without checking in, and then I am in here every day for weeks and weeks. 

I'm glad this community continues -- there is great need for this resource, I hate that.  Can't imagine what the Widow Walk would be without it though ---

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov


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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2015, 06:17:06 PM »
« Last Edit: March 26, 2015, 06:37:37 PM by B?ar »


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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2015, 06:25:35 PM »
It will be 10 years in November.  I do not know how I made it this far.  With 2 babies one is almost 10 and one turned 9 years old yesterday.   It seems a bit surreal that honestly I shouldn't have this widow title. 
I have dated somewhat ....and somewhat successful ...somewhat not.   Just still trying to figure it all out !
I have learned a lot about myself along the way and a lot about being a solo parent.  A lot about grieving, not grieving and what is normal grieving and healthy grieving for me.
Now I am on rebuilding which is very challenging !  I think for me trying to figure out next steps without thinking I should do it in a single leap is hard !


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Re: Who else is 10+ years out?
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2015, 09:29:09 AM »
Over 5 years. I guess I'm in the half way club.
I admire you all for sharing your feelings, and experiences.
Sh*t those 5 felt like a day and a half.