Author Topic: It hurt like hell...  (Read 1802 times)

still_lost

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It hurt like hell...
« on: December 05, 2016, 09:30:40 AM »
I've only had one long term relationship in the seven years since my husband died. I waited for four years to get to a point where I felt like I could open to another man. We were at a distance, most of the time, but due to his work he would come home as much as he could. We lasted a little over two years before I let him know that I wanted more. One of us had to make the move, and I realized that it would have to be me. He wasn't sure where he job was going to take him or where he wanted to settle down etc... I just felt like he was dragging his feet, so I let the relationship go. It's been over a year but we would talk from time to time, sometimes for hours. I felt like I at least had a friend. My attachment to him was very strong because he was he first after such a long time, and he made me feel like I was loved and cared for. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we were on the phone. He asked if I was dating, and I said yes. I had only gone out with one guy three times, so it was nothing serious. I didn't feel like I needed to explain any of that to him since we had broken up a year ago and we were just friends. I guess he didn't like that. He said a few things that I didn't like, so I ended our conversation. He texted me "Happy Thabksgiving, sweetie, but I completely ignored it. Just two days ago he texted me saying how he had a girlfriend there where he was, and pics of a random hand with an engagement ring on. He even went so far as to tell me the cut of the diamond, size etc... I told him I was happy for him. Then he called me a desperate widow which stung pretty bad. I am in no way desperate for anyone. I had a genuine love for the man when we were together, but a lot of his selfish ways began to cause problems in the relationship. I feel terrible that I really misjudged this guy because I didn't see this coming. His new lady friend is supposedly more "accomplished" than me, whatever the hell that means. I have an advanced degree, but I don't flaunt that around to make myself appear better than anyone else. I was just amazed at how far he was trying to cut me down. Needless to say, I blocked him and moved on. I lost someone I thought was a friend, but I know that I'm a good person and I deserve better than that. What drives a man to be so cruel after all I showed him was loyalty and respect? I just don't get it. If you have a woman, fiancée, whatever, I'm happy for you. But the moment he felt like another man was in his position, all hell broke loose. I just don't understand. Any thoughts?

Mrskro

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2016, 10:21:54 AM »
Not knowing the whole situation, I'd guess he's butthurt.   He had a script in his head and you didn't read it off properly.

Do you have a boyfriend? 
No, I'm single, haven't found anyone as good as you.
Great!  Let's get together!

It seems to me he doth protest too much and I'd be surprise if there was a girlfriend.  The "Happy Thanksgiving sweetie" seems off to me if he had a fiancee.  Who calls another women sweetie if they are engaged.

I'm sorry he was cruel to you.  You deserve better!

Hugs


Portside

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2016, 10:23:30 AM »
I just don't understand. Any thoughts?

Some people, both men and women, are asses.

It truly is that simple.

Good luck - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

still_lost

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2016, 10:54:06 AM »
Thank you both. I'm laughing so hard about me not reading the script properly! That is too funny! Made my day because I was scratching my head in confusion. I try not to come down so hard on myself for not seeing this side of him sooner. It shocked the hell out of me. I'm sure there really is a woman, the two were hugged up in a pic on the beach. The ring looked like it was a pic of another woman's hand, as this new girlfriend wasn't wearing it in her pic. It's very possible that he has been with this person for a while, so I cannot understand why he would continue to talk to me, text and send pics of him in the gym etc, if he had plans on marrying someone. It made me question our entire relationship and what he may have been doing on the side. Either way, I've moved on. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the crazy one.

Adley

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2016, 11:05:03 PM »
Way to move on! People try to play the craziest mind games. The pics and jealousy thing just makes me shake my head, but you seeing what it is and forging ahead makes me smile : ) 
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

SemperFidelis

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2016, 10:46:09 AM »
Sounds like you dodged a bullet here.

It's possible he was only maintaining contact with you to "keep tabs on you". I would also wonder about his supposed gf/fiance; could be just a tactic to try to hurt you the way he apparently felt hurt that you had even considered another man.

And yeah, I think mrskro is spot on about the script....

still_lost

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2016, 02:23:35 PM »
That's the part that I find so puzzling. Why wouldn't he be happy for me if I was moving forward? I sincerely want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. I guess it's a maturity thing. I am hurt because I considered him my friend. We would talk on the phone for hours even after we had broken up. He was the first and only man that I had been with after my husband died. It took me four years to be ready.  In many ways, he brought me out of the depression that I was in. I will always be grateful for that at least. I just can't allow him or any other man to disrespect or abuse me. It's nothing compared to losing my husband, but it still feels like another loss to me.

Bear Shannon

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2016, 02:44:06 PM »
I just don't understand. Any thoughts?

Some people, both men and women, are asses.

It truly is that simple.

Good luck - Mike

Yep

Myself included.

I like to blame my bipolar but I'm just an ass.
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

Portside

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2016, 07:00:33 PM »
That's the part that I find so puzzling. Why wouldn't he be happy for me if I was moving forward?

SL, you're not catching what I'm pitching dear. Please read my first post in this thread.

He's     an     ass.

Really - that's the long and short of it.

Best wishes, Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Mizpah

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2016, 08:49:41 AM »
I told him I was happy for him. Then he called me a desperate widow

It's not likely to happen again that I say this, but here goes: I think Portside is 100% correct.  I think it's that simple. 

Before DH, I was with a man for 8 years who cheated on me.  When I found out, in that confrontation conversation (which ended up to be the last time I ever chose to speak with him or see him), he out of nowhere, totally unprompted told me I'm not attractive.  Even assuming that is true (DH didn't agree and he was the most beautiful man I've ever seen, so...), why twist the knife?  Bottom line: he's an ass. 

We can analyze anything, and get down to root causes and what he's really saying and projection and self-exoneration and all kinds of defense mechanisms, but it doesn't matter.  It really doesn't matter why.  It's an ugly thing to say, and someone who chooses to say that is ugly inside and it's a gift to be freed from it (not a gift he should be thanked for though!).  He's an ass.  And even if it's true to him, that doesn't mean it's true.  Don't let it infiltrate your mind.  It's so easy to let someone else's idea of us inform our own idea of ourselves.  Don't do it! 

Listen to Portside: he's an ass!
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

still_lost

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2016, 09:28:05 AM »
I agree.

Portside

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2016, 10:50:02 AM »

It's not likely to happen again that I say this, but here goes: I think Portside is 100% correct.
 

See! If we all search hard and long enough, there can be common ground between us.  ;D

Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah - as the case may apply - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

serpico

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2016, 12:47:31 PM »
Listen to Portside: he's an ass!

Not the first time I've seen phrasing like this, though the punctuation may have been different...  ;D
'I think I got some of your pickle'

arneal

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2016, 10:41:30 AM »
So sorry you've gone through this! One point you made -- him and a woman on the beach, hand didn't look like hers, no ring on her hand. My conspiracy theory Spidey sense suggests he's mad that you've moved on and things are not quite so rosy for him. Perhaps he had someone in his life and she's moved on too. Then, he reaches out to someone he knows cares for him and she's no longer available. Boom! All the weirdness comes out.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

still_lost

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Re: It hurt like hell...
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2016, 02:57:42 PM »
Yes, that makes a lot of sense! It just cracks me up that he didn't want the relationship, but he didn't want me to be with anyone else either.