Author Topic: Make or Break  (Read 2838 times)

SemperFidelis

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Make or Break
« on: December 06, 2016, 12:18:06 PM »
I sense that my relationship with NG is entering a new stage. We've been dating for 14 months now. I was widowed 17months ago.

We have such a lovely time when we are together, it's an ideal fit in that way.  Our temperaments mesh beautifully.  I am thankful for him and how he compliments my life.  I love a lot of things about him, but there are a lot of things I am increasingly resentful of.  There have been a lot of issues, and they are increasing over the past couple of months....and they never get 100% resolved. I acknowledge that I have swept a lot of issues under the rug...maybe it's because honestly I haven't had the emotional stamina to fight hard or courage to rock the boat. But my strength is returning and I can look at the issues with a bit more sobriety and a bit more "hey wait a minute, that's not gonna work long term". He can do something weird one time and that's fine, but when it turns into a recurring pattern then I am quite concerned.

LH was a Marine, so I lived in a situation with NO EXCUSES. Insane accountability and responsibility. I am a better person for it and a better judge of the world around me for it.

In my attempt to do the right thing, I have made excuses for NG. But I have a limited supply of those. I believe the supply has been tapped out.

The list of concerning behaviors is long....too long to detail out here.  Honestly I have lost a lot of optimism about our future. In October I predicted(in my head) the relationship would end within 6 months. Giving these issues time to resolve isn't working. If we are going to move forward, tough conversations will need to take place. I am done cutting slack, done looking the other way, and I am now placing responsibility squarely on him.  If he wants to make this work, that's now his responsibility. I will now give the gift of accountability to him that my LH gave to me....(but without going into DI mode lol). My role is to be forward in communicating what behaviors are not going to work long term, and to give him the opportunity to make changes.

Now I know the rule of thumb is that you cannot change a person. I personally think some people have a propensity and ability and willingness to change.... I am one. Others do not....  And I suspect he is one of those. But I will give him the fair chance to change his ways.

I heard once the saying, "beware the wrath of a patient man" and while there is no wrath foreseeable, it may feel that way to him as I change my approach to him to a "no bullshit" approach. This past week I have point blank told him "this is my expectation" and "this is your flaw". Each time that he tried to shift the blame on me, I directed him back to himself. Last night's topic was the fact that every time there is relational turbulence(a lot lately), he always tells me "well then maybe you need to go find some other guy. Or maybe you already found one". I think it's a diversion tactic and a manipulative tactic.  I told him I am tired of the breakup threats and the infidelity accusations.  We were able to constructively converse about that. This is a starting place for the upcoming conversation points that need to take place.

We will see what the future holds. I hope he can make right what he has made wrong. I am currently making right what I have made wrong by no longer accepting bullshit. I think there are some issues he can make some headway on. And I am starting with those. But the grand finale issue is going to take a serious level of humility from him. I hope he will be ready for it, so we can enjoy the rich future we are both capable of.

arneal

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2016, 06:27:14 PM »
Good for you, Semper! You (and each of us) deserve a positive, loving relationship. Perfection does not exist on this side of heaven, but so long as both parties are clear on expectations and try to be the best they can be, a bit of earthly heaven is possible. It sounds like you have prepared yourself for whatever the direction the path of life will take. Again, good for you. {{{hugs}}} and know you've got family here in your corner!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2016, 11:45:04 AM »
Well, for anyone following this thing..... It finally ended. It's over.

It was a hell of a ride you guys.

The grand finale issue got serious attention this past 10 days. This issue has been explained in another thread.... It is that early on I found old online sex profiles featuring him. And he lied and lied and lied and denied that they were his.

This week I was met with consistent denial and lies and claims of honesty and swearing on his children's lives(whatever that means). Just like when I confronted him the first time.

But I maintained my no-bullshit stance. Friday night I told him it was time for us to go our separate ways. And VOILA! He came clean. Partly. He admitted to one profile but was still trying to save face and lied through his teeth.  He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled. All while promising not to keep any more secrets from me. Lol.

After I left he texted like crazy after that with expressions of deep sorrow, hitting rock bottom, swearing he hasn't told any other lies, swearing he has been truthful and will forever be truthful from me because he has nothing left to lose. It was all bullshit though.

I had one more final in person conversation with him last night, and he ended up giving me permission to go through his phone. Yeah. Needless to say I got concrete confirmation that  all the websites I found were in fact his and he basically spent several years on those websites ALL DAY EVERY DAY..... Exchanging sex talk and naked pics with over 150 women. Many expressions of desire to meet for sex. He even was corresponding with one man to arrange a double penetration with a female. He followed through with this.

So all my instincts were dead on motherfucker. Goddamnit.

arneal

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2016, 12:21:43 PM »
Oh, Semper. If we were in the same area, I'd say I'll be over. There are no words that can do justice and provide enough comfort. Know that I am thinking of you and know that you are so very strong. Thank God for your continued instincts to know that something wasn't right and to not take the crap. Sending much love.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2016, 12:51:56 PM »
Thanks Arneal, you are so sweet. You even made me tear up. Thank you.

Forgottenwife

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2016, 01:41:04 PM »
He admitted to one profile but was still trying to save face and lied through his teeth.  He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled. All while promising not to keep any more secrets from me. Lol.

After I left he texted like crazy after that with expressions of deep sorrow, hitting rock bottom, swearing he hasn't told any other lies, swearing he has been truthful and will forever be truthful from me because he has nothing left to lose.

So all my instincts were dead on motherfucker. Goddamnit.

...Yuck... Even though you didn't ask for advice here, I think you should go full no contact. Tell him to stop texting/calling/begging you immediately. If its over, let it be over and be done with the drama.

My sympathies, that has got to hurt like crazy.

Captains wife

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2016, 01:45:21 PM »
Good you found this guy out and kicked him to the curb. Yes, block him from your phone, social media etc. And sorry you are going through this. If guys (people) want to be out doing this why do they pretend to want to be in a relationship? That just  pisses me off.

Trying

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2016, 02:48:10 PM »
Holy shit!  I am glad you followed your gut and got to the truth before you invested any more of your heart in this creep.  So sorry you have been put through this. I hope you put this ugliness behind you, heal and know you deserve so much more.  Big hugs.
You will forever be my always.

RobFTC

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2016, 02:54:58 PM »
Semper, I am so sorry - that has to be a major kick in the butt.  Good you kicked him to the curb.  I don't get why some guys lie, but then I am such a crappy liar that earnest honesty fits much better with me.  You deserve, and will find, better.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

SemperFidelis

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2016, 11:30:51 PM »
Thanks everyone. Its going to be a challenge not to be jaded by this guy. I am hoping to move forward wiser though, instead of callused. Thats my project now.

I found out after posting earlier that in fact he had been using Adult Friend Finder for the past two months.   That really upset me..... More than I expected. But I have to remind myself it is no reflection of me, only of him. He's a sick puppy.

Rob, spot on with earnest honesty being the best way to go. There is much more respect and intimacy generated by that route.

This has just been a huge lesson..... Big learning experience for me, and I can be thankful for that much.

mmg19

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2016, 09:37:15 AM »
I'm sorry you have to go through the pain but you SF are one honest amazing woman.  You recognized the dishonesty, ended it, and considered it a learning lesson and are thankful for that.  I've never experienced a situation where honesty is not the best policy.  Be gentle with yourself.  Better things ahead.  ((Hugs))

Mizpah

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2016, 10:30:53 AM »
He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled.

OMG WTF?!  Though I realize this must all be really disturbing and hurtful and upsetting, this part actually made me laugh.  No, really: WTF.  My thoughts: not a man.  (And not because he cried tears.)  Yuck.  Dodged a bullet, SF!  Wow.  Glad you're done investing your time and emotions into this... individual.  Wow.  Ugh.  All my hopes for the OPPOSITE of this guy in your next dating experience. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

SunshineFL

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2016, 12:42:29 PM »
@SemperFidelis I'm so glad to know you are safe. If you saw my post on another thread, in uncertain situations like that, it could have gone differently (and still can as he realizes how much you shined a light on his darkest secrets).

I concur with the advice you've received here for going "no contact."  You sound strong and resilient - (I know I don't know you, but feeling proud for you) - good job. You are worth enjoying an honest, loving and healthy connection with a good person.

Good wishes to you.
-SunshineFL

daysofelijah

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2016, 04:21:26 PM »
Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's good you went with your gut and found out the truth. Definitely do no contact and move on, it's so tough.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

momtokam

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Re: Make or Break
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2016, 08:45:57 PM »
I'm so, so, sorry...