Author Topic: Big Changes? New life? (long)  (Read 1515 times)

tybec

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Big Changes? New life? (long)
« on: December 10, 2016, 06:03:54 AM »
Needing some feedback from my tribe of widowed folks.  I have NG.  9 months.  I love him.  WE talk long term. He lives 1 1/2 hour from my home.  I have home, 21 yrs. here. I have neighbors, church, job, network, connections.  I have stagnant life.  I kept things so consistent for son, I think I overdid it and now he is unwilling to change, move.  He is 13.  Last year, started talking about moving to new family hub, way away from here.  Meet NG on line.  It is complicated.  He moved from out of state as wife took children out of state, divorced him.  He followed when he learned he could not get 50/50 time with them since she took them out of state and he waited too long to change things and jurisdiction changed.  I have known all this since on line conversations.  He is "stuck" in her hometown, now, but wants to be with his children often, hoping to increase his time, going to court.  His kids are younger than my 13 yr. old and he is younger than me.  He is staying there until the youngest graduates.  He left a great career, church AND girlfriend to be near his sons.  Devoted dad.  A great attraction for me.

I want change. DH will be gone 5 years in Jan. I didn't date again until 4 years passed.  I thought of this last year before he met me.  Now, I am contemplating moving to his town.  I have my working license, could find work I believe, and I have some flexibility as I work pt. time as it is.  I have taken care of my MIL situation and my mother turns 88 tomorrow, so I am working things out with her needs, too.  I am her caregiver.
Approached my none widow friends, and they are protective.  They, of course, want to know why  I need to change and uproot my life for him when I have full custody time with my child.  Devil's advocate.  I hear their concerns.  I have it VERY well here with support.  21 years in this community. 
But this is my life with DH. Why we are here, his job.  Everything is about our life.  It is over.

So, uprooting my life on a chance for a great love again even though it is complicated?  I see others here doing it.  I don't want to lose a good thing due to fear.  I should be FEARLESS.  But I do have my child's needs to consider.  The town is larger, has small university, and an outstanding Gifted Program, ranked #1 a couple years ago Newsweek. My tech geek child could thrive with the opportunities, too.  So, the new town would be larger, have more opportunities, and get me closer to NG to test waters better as we are just seeing each other about twice a week if lucky.  Oh, get this, my insurance with PPO dumped in the state, so new one I can get is HMO.  Guess where my contractual health care providers mostly are:  this town!

I guess what I need is the reminder that life changes, and taking a leap after a loss of a spouse can be great, right!? And that those like my loving friends cannot fathom this, as they haven't ever lost what we had, to even think about a new life.  I had never considered any other life, of course.   Overthinker extraordinaire!

SunshineFL

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2016, 07:37:54 AM »
Tybec, has he asked you to marry him or otherwise fully commit to each other?

tybec

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2016, 08:27:38 AM »
Sunshine FL,

We are committed.  We have discussed marriage and cohabitation and marrying in the church but not legally at this time. I have benefits I receive that allow me my choices currently I would lose with remarriage.  He has concerns of marriage since wife left him, and his finances were wrecked.  I have discussed prenup, but that still doesn't change my benefits being lost with remarriage. I plan to talk to my pastor about this, just have not yet.   

My mother turns 88 tomorrow and has dementia.  She is in an independent condo in a senior citizens community with a sitter 5 days a week and I do the weekends, and they have one there, same company, so if she needs nursing home care, right there. 

I am not a jumper, and I tip toe in the water, so I am talking 1 1/2 yrs. from now due to my son's schooling.  His HS he would attend is terrible, and I can't afford private school.  This town with the university has really good schools as I have researched.  So, that is a factor in my choice.  I guess I am realistic that if for some reason it didn't come to fruition, I would be in a better community for me and my son.  And I would have more options.  My son can go to any state school tuition paid due to my DH's military service.  I am land locked from moving to my family hub in TX unless I want to lose that huge benefit.

Yes, I have thought of other things.  I guess I feel I have allowed myself to be trapped due to fear and that is not good.  I changed jobs, and that helped, but still.  This small town is DH's home with me.  I continue to live as if he is deployed. 

New Guy and I have a lot to discuss and we are getting there.  Slowly.  I am not invited to his town, LOL. But the long distance is difficult.  We have wonderful times together, but it is not realistic for long term.  If I were closer, we could field it out better. 

daysofelijah

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2016, 09:23:16 AM »
Reading the first post I though, Ah no, too soon!, but in your reply I see you mean this to take place in a year and a half down the road. It's a long way away and it seems like there's a lot of outside influences in your NG's life that might cause things to change in his life and your relationship. I'm a planner too, so I know how you feel. But I wouldn't hitch my hopes on it all too soon. It's fun to dream and plan a new life though, just be cautious.

But yes if your reasoning is more than just to be close to your NG, which it sounds like it is, I'd say go ahead with starting to make the plan. See what life and finances and schooling and job, etc. would look like. Your son will come around. Moving is hard, but kids are resilient. You've got enough time to introduce the idea slowly and point out the good things a move could bring.

It will be two years with NG for me in May. I will be moving this summer to his town (just 17 miles away). I'm making a bit of a leap because I don't have "the ring" yet. I think it's coming, but not entirely sure. If it doesn't though I'm still moving on my own accord. My main reason for moving is that I moved to this small town from a big city after dh died for help from my parents. It was what needed to happen at the time I guess, but I am not cut out for this place. NG's town is the place where I should have moved in the first place, and had considered it four years ago, but didn't due to financial stuff and cluelessness about what my life would look like after dh died. I hate the small town life and need to get closer to a big city. NG's town is midway between where I live now and the nearest bigger city. When I get a job, this will allow for a lot more opportunities for me, and also in the future for the boys as they start to look for jobs and think about life after highschool.

This is my main reason for this move. I will move whether or not NG chooses to become part of our family. I've made it clear to him that the choice is still his and I'm not moving in an effort to corner him into a commitment he's not ready for. And I already did the pick up and start a new life thing, my kids as well of course. So I know it will be a good thing for us. They are not opposed to us moving, or to the likelihood of NG and I getting married/living together. I still haven't worked out the remarriage logistics either. I need to talk to a lawyer or something soon.

So that's my story, kind of sound's similar to yours :) Best of luck in your decision! It's hard being a single mom having to make all the decisions and hoping you're making the right one!


Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Trying

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2016, 03:24:19 PM »
I am an over thinker and was never good with risk or change.  Now I still over think but have taken several calculated risks that friends and family didn't always understand.  I haven't regretted a single major change.  There is a "life is too short and there is no promise of tomorrow" feeling since DH died.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this and you are leaving yourself time so you don't rush into it.  Listen to your heart and your gut and listen to what the people close to you are concerned about but don't let them make the decision for you.
You will forever be my always.

Bunny

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2016, 06:19:43 PM »
It sounds to me like you are itching for some big changes in your life- and that living in this new city has many positives that have nothing to do with NG. I get wanting to break free from some place or thing that suited you perfectly in your old life but now feels...confining. And sometimes we need a little push to do things we might be too cautious to do otherwise- sometimes love can be that push. Plus, if you're feeling serious about him, it makes sense to me to move closer so you two can spend more time together before even considering committing to something as serious as marriage.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

tybec

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2016, 07:19:11 AM »
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  I guess I needed to "type"it out to make my thoughts real.  My coupled friends and even family may find it absurd to up and move from my neat, safe, home, community.  I think you are right, Bunny, that I want change, and this may give me a reason to try.  I never was single. I married my high school sweetheart, so to be making decisions all by myself for my child and me is HUGE!  I admire so many folks on here that have, do and jumped! 

My move to TX really was thrown a loop when I found out my son had to be a resident of our current state to access the college tuition paid.  It is not a federal guided program.  It is a big benefit to not use. 

Interestingly, NG and I text this a.m. and in our "missing" each other, he commented maybe 2018 we could "put it all together so we can wake up together and still attend to our responsibilities." We are on the same time frame!   

But, as others here have stated, we know loss and life does change on a dime, so why wait?  That is our challenge all the time, isn't it,  from joining this stupid club.....

Thank you again.

Mizpah

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2016, 11:20:50 AM »
You've already checked back in before I got here, but I'll add my two cents just in case....

To me, it sounds like it's not *just* "for him," that you've been craving a big change, or at least a change.  So it's also for you.  Back when I was two years out, I started saying that I needed a big big change.  I contemplated moving out of the country, and was really ripe for *something*, was susceptible to suggestion probably - I remember saying I wished I was married to someone who HAD to move somewhere for work, somewhere I'd never want to go, like North Dakota or something, so I'd have no choice, I'd just have to go and make the best of whatever my new life was.  A few months later, I was infatuated and then pregnant and moved to be with my now-daughter's father, to a very rural area near my hometown, from living for a couple decades in Boston and NYC.  I'll be honest - when we fight, I tell him I left my whole life for him.  But as time goes on, I accept more and more responsibility: I left my whole life for me, whether or not it was a good decision (and that's assuming we can ever know at the time of making a decision whether or not, in the long run, it will be the best course).  A couple weeks ago, my therapist suggested I try less intellectualizing and more "living from the heart," and I responded: I discarded my life in an instant to live from the heart!  I am a big proponent of going with your gut and embracing big change.  But I'm not saying it's necessarily the right option for everyone, or for anyone.  (If you decide to do it, if a person can learn someone else's lessons, and I'm not sure they can, and assuming it may be even slightly similar for you, be aware: leaving my world, my job, my friends, my radius of familiarity, my lifestyle, my community, my routine, my whole life - it was hard.  It was really really really really hard - lonely, isolating, emotional.  It'll be 3 years in a week or two, and I've gotta admit: I'm still very, very homesick and still adjusting.)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

tybec

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2016, 02:41:37 PM »
Thank you Mizpah, for responding.  You are right.  This is about me moving forward and having a reason.  My move to TX to be there a family hub didn't guarantee any wonderful family interaction, but at least close.  My son's back up is there, my nephew, only 9 yrs. younger than me, so that was the goal, start a relationship just in case.

I have lived 22 years in my hometown, married, 4 yrs. in the same state married, finishing up graduate degrees, and now 21 years in the town I live.  I am not a mover, obviously, and my mother and MIL followed us here as we were stable.  My NG is former AF, 13 years in Europe, Iraq, Korean, traveling extensively.  He finds it funny my "roots". 

The town is not far.  Folks from my present home go there to shop, school, eat, doctors.  So, my logic is I may see some friends as frequently as now, as we are so busy.  4 months since my GFs and I have gotten together.  CRAZY! 

I have 13 yr. old to go, too.  This is perhaps my greatest concern.  Making a choice that would impact us both greatly.  NG has talked about being a stepdad to my son.  He is up for it.  They are very different.  NG played rugby for 11 years in Europe and my kid, despite my efforts for well roundedness, is a tech kid, not doing any sports currently.  But that is the deal.  Thanks again for the support and advice.

Forgottenwife

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2016, 02:42:54 PM »
Wow, you know, only you can say what is best. I think this is a very individualized scenario, and what is best for one family will be very different for another. I can share my experience.

I lived in the same community for 21 years too, same house for 15 years. Met and fell head over heels for my Chapter 2 almost 4 years ago. We made the decision to not change anything for my son. I stayed in my home with my minor child until he finished high school and then my son and I moved across town to start my new life last year - I sold the house and my business and left the community where I had love and support. Looking at my life now, it is clear that I could have done it sooner and that may have been better for my child because my boyfriend is funny and loving and supportive to my son. Living with him has improved our lives. I'm happier. My son is happier. I miss my old community in many ways, yet today I would not change a thing about my living situation. I enjoy having a partner in life, financial decisions, day to day home operations, and someone just to share my life with. For me, this is the way I want to live, and I recognize much of this is because of the person my partner is.

If you are moving into a happy, healthy, loving home and community, it may be a good choice for everyone involved. You are entitled to love and happiness and your own life. I am not saying you should just do whatever makes only you happy, and it is evident from your thoughtful post that you wouldn't anyway. You obviously love your kid and will take good care of him and his needs. But don't forget you deserve some happiness and love and support too. I think you can have both :)

tybec

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2016, 02:59:14 PM »
Thanks, Forgottenwife, for the response and support.  I am 15 yrs. in MY HOUSE this month.  21 yrs. here. 

You all lived in the same town?  I guess if we lived in the same town and could see each other regularly, that would work.  But we don't.  I tell him our relationship is surreal, often.  We spend time together and then go to separate worlds.  I can't wait until son is graduated, 5 1/2 yrs.  I want the day to day companionship sooner, not later.  I have a friend that is on yr. five of long distance, but she doesn't mind.   Everyone is different.

Yeah, my only child rules the world.  NG comments some on this. He was a stepson at the same age, his mother remarrying.  I don't mind his observations as long as they are respectful and they are.  I can agree to disagree and we do some.  But all good. I think it would be great for my son to have step siblings.  I wanted more children, and it didn't happen.  Maybe a gift for us?  The kids have fun together, but it has been very limited due to schedules as we have separate lives and activities with our kids. Will see....

Forgottenwife

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2016, 03:31:01 PM »
Hi Tybec, yes, we were in the same state, about 35 minutes apart. I was always mom first so we had dinner a couple of nights a week, maybe a little time on the weekends too. The good thing for me now is I can have everyone in the same house! I can have dinner with my sweetheart, watch a football game with my son, and do my laundry, all in the SAME HOUSE! That is the best for me, no having to choose if I spend time with one, I'm literally missing the other.

So for your only son ruling the world... you are his mom and looking out for his needs! Good for you. I always considered my sons needs in my decisions. I was a step-kid and my step-father was an amazing man. His love and guidance was a positive in my life too. And my mom and I moved in with him when I was fifteen! It can be good. I guess it depends on the relationship your son and NG will have, and how can you know until you try? This is a big decision, good luck!

tybec

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Re: Big Changes? New life? (long)
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2017, 09:54:57 AM »
Update:

My mom's sitter of 6 yrs. is getting married! She met a widower on line, and he proposed in Dec.and they sign on their new lake house today!  He is very financially secure, and she has never had that.  So, she SAYS she is staying with my mom.  But there will be a commute, now, plus her fiance is moving fast.  With my mom's dementia increasing, of course, I looked into some options for care.  Where my guy lives is the same retirement community with more levels of care. We have independent and nursing home only.  They have assisted living and memory care assisted living. also.  So, looks like it might work to move my mother there when her sitter changes her mind about sitting, which I just think will happen. 

I told NG moving is not about JUST him, and he said he was glad about that, actually.  I guess since he has his kids to manage, and I know that is a priority now, he accepts my situation of my kid and mother and me, too.  So, 2018 looks promising.  My one brother ( I have 3) who helps with my mother is supportive and thinks it would be good for all the above reasons.  The high school there is ranked in the top 40 in the state, which is huge for my teen's education. 

Will the stars align?  Looking brighter.....