Author Topic: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.  (Read 1394 times)

MACC

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I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« on: December 16, 2016, 06:41:22 AM »
I hate my sons teacher. I hate that my husband died. But right now I mostly hate myself. Yesterday night, I totally lost my cool and yelled at my 9 year old son, F bombs and all... What a monster I must I have sounded like and looked like while I had my hulk rant about not wanting to get another F'n note from his damn teacher. This time because he turned in a newsletter late to his teacher. Some stupid newsletter that is basically the same every week that I sign to show I read it. All he has to do is turn it in. He already missed out on a 'pbis' celebration earlier this week at school where kids get to watch a movie. He had to stay behind because of to many missed or late assignments. I feel like I am the failure and I lashed out on my poor 9 year old son. I wasn't angry at my son. I was angry at my situation and at myself. If my husband were here, with his help we would have a better handle on my sons ADHD needs. I'd have more time and patience to help him with his homework and to make sure it's done. Why should my son get penalized because my husband died and because I can't get my shit together. To make matters worse... I went to my room closed the door.. "to cool off".. guilt already kicking in... when my 7 year old daughter asks for a goodnight hug .. What does mama hulk say.. no.. go to bed.

A while later I apologize to my son for my unacceptable behavior and hug my daughter goodnight... but it's to late.. The damage was done. I can't take away the hurt, pain and feeling of rejection I had just caused them 20 minutes earlier. I am the only parent they have. How could I? God I hate myself.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2016, 06:43:03 AM by MACC »
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Mrskro

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2016, 07:45:57 AM »
Oh MACC;

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone!  I've had my hulk Mom moments.   Hell, I had them before my DH died.   It DOES NOT make you a bad mom or a failure.  It makes you a MOM.   

I've had two similar blow ups with my son in the last couple weeks, a good friend said to me fairly bluntly, "It's about time".   He had been pushing my limits.  It's a terrible balancing act we have to do now without our partners, there is no good cop bad cop, no tag you're it...its your turn to deal.   

You did the right thing acknowledging your behavior and now you get to start again. 

This time of year is stressful enough without the added crap from the school.  Honestly, I would talk to the school and get to the root of the late and missed assignments.  In my opinion, at 9 and with ADHD the school should be working with him and you to help him complete the NEEDED things on time in school!

My son has a learning disability and his teachers and I scrapped a lot of the non-learning activities.  I didn't have to sign the newsletters etc.  They emailed anything I needed home or he took a picture with his I pad and sent it to me and they checked that he had.  We used an app called Evernote.  Whatever he put in the app I could see in the app on my phone so we could keep track of assignments etc   Letting him concentrate more on the actual school work!

Trying

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2016, 09:05:10 AM »
Please don't beat yourself up over this, what parent hasn't lost it on occasion?  Your kids have seen that you are human and that you are able to apologize for being too harsh.  Being a solo parent is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Gone are the days of "good cop/bad cop" or DH noticing I'm about to lose it and telling me to walk away and let him handle it (or me doing the same for him).  The pressure is sometimes too much and we are tackling these things when we are not at our strongest. 

Set an appointment with your son's teacher and team and see what can be adjusted to help him be more successful.  And forgive yourself.  A bad mom would not care or have regrets.
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Eddienhp

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2016, 10:09:32 AM »
Been there, done that too MACC. I'm not proud of it either but lets face reality. Our kids have meltdowns. We have meltdowns. We have too much to handle by ourselves. Add a special need to the mix and the stress is multiplied. I have a 10 year old with Autism and ADHD so I totally get it. My 7 year old is very scattered with schoolwork and focus. I think she may have ADHD too.

I spoke to the teachers. I told them my challenges at home. Kids are in aftercare till 6. Dinner is over at 7:30. Not the ideal time to do work. Aftercare does have a homework period. I had to give my 7 year old consequences for not doing the homework there. No ipad, no tv, no whatever else was important to her. She is typically developing so she knows better. She struggles with reading so I asked the teacher if we could have the weekly reading assignment on Friday so we would have the whole weekend to work on it. The teacher has been very accommodating and helpful.

My 10 year old is in special education so its a different solution. His team made accommodations that were equally helpful for us.

Maybe its asking for homework earlier so you have the weekend to work on it. Maybe it's getting instructions & due dates sent directly to you so you have a heads up. Think about what would make it easier for you and ask for accommodations.

Talk to your kids and tell them you had a meltdown. They will understand because they have their own. You might feel like a failure because you are disappointed with your reaction but it really signifies there is something that needs adjustment. Is there a high school kid that could come help with the homework? Honor society students have to get community service.

There a many times I feel like a failure as a mother. I know what I expect to be as a mother. Sometimes I can't achieve that. I have to remind myself to be humbled. My kids are happy. They have a warm bed to sleep in. They have clothes and are well fed. They know I love them. There is so much we don't have. That said, we have each other and love.

Here is a thought. What would you tell your friend if they were in the same position? That is what you should be telling yourself right now.

I send you strength and serenity along with a big hug.
Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

Julester3

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2016, 10:58:31 AM »
You are not a failure. We all have not so great moments and we get to a point when our cups run over. You did good by rectifying the situation by talking to your son and giving your daughter that hug. They will have learned that sometimes you too are overwhelmed and this will happen. We are not perfect parents all of the time. It is good to have them see we have flaws too but that we can recognize when we did not handle the situation well and we will try to do better next time.

Have a conversation with your son's teacher. Most teachers want the kids to be as successful as they can be and they will compromise with you. Hugs!

TooSoon

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2016, 11:26:19 AM »
Just reinforcing the support others offer below.  My daughter has ADHD.  I get it.  And I've flipped out on occasion.  You are human!  We all are!  But I know that terrible feeling and how extra terrible it is to face alone.  Try to be kind to yourself and put it behind you.  The most important thing is that they know you love them unconditionally.  Plus, a late hug or a necessary apology only reinforces those things: that we are all human and make mistakes/act out of turn and that you love them enough to admit it and be held accountable for it.  Sending love.  Try to be kind to yourself.  xo

Portside

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2016, 11:59:34 AM »
I am the only parent they have. How could I? God I hate myself.

Most of us have been there one time or another. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I had a similar outburst years ago. I apologized to my son. He told me "It's okay Dad, I always forgive you."

That made me feel worse.

The kids will be fine. You will be fine. It just takes time - that's all.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

RobFTC

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2016, 01:53:13 PM »
MACC,

Hugs.  I've absolutely exploded at my kids, sometimes without much justification.  If you can use your energy to figure out how to avoid that in future, that's way better than beating yourself up.  The best things for me are:

- remembering I don't have to react to much of anything immediately, so I can have time to think

- remembering that some things are not your problem - at some point, grades are the kids' problem

- thinking about how consequences can be delivered calmly, so they will actually work

It's tough - I know we could have helped more with homework under other circumstances.  That's the life our kids have to deal with.  If we don't try to deal with it all for them, it probably works out better.  I need to post in the Love & Logic thread about one daughter's semester of failure with geography - long story short, what I tried to do to "help" probably made things worse in some ways.  Letting go of those things I could perhaps influence has been the hardest thing, but I have also come to realize how important it is.

Take care,
Rob T
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Raymond

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2016, 07:14:49 AM »
Good Morning MACC,

I hope is all is well that can be. 

The single parent dynamic is one of those hidden caves we get to explore when traveling the road of grief.  Very scary.  Fear leads to many things -- Anger being right at the top of the list.  Normal? Yes.

It is only a failure if you do not learn from it.  Often times we must fall into the hole to learn the lesson, tragically. 

You are not perfect and your flaws are a part of why you were, and are loved -- you must remember this.  You must remember this . . .

Breathe and communicate -- you have done both

MR

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2016, 01:31:10 PM »
Hi MACC and everyone,
I did same once with each kid as they were not ready to do something very important at that movement of time. I did say sorry after that but now when I think it is not first time I have got angry on them but had been numerous times but the only difference is that those times their mom was alive. I think it is our personal wid situation which makes us feel guilty. Now learning to have more patience with them as most of those tasks were done by my DW earlier. We are not perfect and neither our kids are so let's hold each other and move forward.

Tx
Manoj

Ursula

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2017, 08:30:25 PM »
Macc bit of a late reply but I came here to look for some advice as I had a bad rant at our 4 year old.
It happens, it is the emotional exhaustion and the frustration with being in pain that makes us do it I think.
I would have so much more patience and less nerves if I was my content self but the last almost 3 Jears are taking their toll and it is scary and sad at the same time. I don' t think you broke their spirit I believe that it takes more than that... and apologising is demonstrating them that you are reflecting on your actions and that is a good lesson.
I wish it would not happen but reading everybody's statements just shows how human it is. we are not perfect and they are neither. They wre not supposed to be without one parent and we aren't supposed to be without our chosen partners....not easy. Let' s try to learn and grow...togeher? hugs
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
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Captains wife

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Re: I feel like I broke my kids spirit. Total mom failure.
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2017, 06:57:34 AM »
Thank you for posting this as I think this has happened to most of us. I've worked very hard to try and not yell at my son but there are the odd days when I am so exhausted and he's pushing my buttons so it happens. When I feel myself losing it, I do try and leave the room before it happens but if I do get upset I sit down and have a conversation with him afterwards. I have also put myself on the "naughty chair" once or twice! I have  explained to my 5yr old that sometimes we fight given stress but I love him more than anything and I apologize plus explain. Then we hug and talk. Although I wish it wouldn't happen I do think it shows him good conflict resolution and recognition that anger is a human emotion but it's important to deal with it properly. So please let's not be too hard on ourselves - we are doing the best we can in the circumstances plus we can try and make changes where we can!  Honestly I'm so impressed by how much the solo parents on this site do. A slip up once in a while is going to happen but then we move on. And your kids will understand that - the fact you care so much does say a lot!