Obsessing about the accident

[Adventureland]

Eleven weeks ago tonight, my husband put on a suit and left to go out to a business dinner.

He never came back. And I have aged a hundred years.

I find that I'm obsessing about the accident. If we had done anything--ANYTHING--differently that day, the timing would have been different and the tractor trailer that crossed the median wouldn't have hit his driver's side door with such pinpoint accuracy. I keep reliving that day, imagining what I could have differently.

[oneoftwo]

I am so sorry.
I also spend a lot of time wondering, Why? How could it be that things aligned in this order to have such a bad result? I was at his side, and could do nothing, utterly nothing to help.
I think in some ways it is good to go over the things about the day but at some point I also think it is good to let them go- ultimately we really do have so little control.
It makes me question a number of things, and I dont really have any answers.
But I think going over the details and trying to process what happened, is just that- our way of trying to make sense of an non-sensical situation.
I'm sorry

[MR]

Hi Adventureland,
sorry for you loss. I had same feeling in my wife's case where I was about to reschedule the doc appointment but saw wife in pain and didn't do it. I was telling my daughter the same thing and she said Dad what is the guarantee that if you reschedule the appt this would not happen and left me speechless. So just take it as destiny and try to move forward as feeling guilt is the biggest problem of all of us.

Hugs
Manoj

[Adley]

Saying 'Don't obsess' is easy
for everybody else. But I say study it, especially at eleven weeks, all the way back. Study why you fell in love in the first place, and the events that led up to it. Study both of your previous situations that led to the relationship.
    In my hindsight I was not in control of any of it. And you weren't in control of being widowed. You couldn't have done anything to change it, any more than you could have changed the circumstances leading to love. You may well have to explore every cause and effect. Do it if you have to. I am so sorry for your loss, take all the time you need.

[beth_krkswidow]

Dear Adventureland.  I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.
I send you hugs.
You will do this; you will obsess about it.  It won't change anything, but you will do it over and over and over again.  Accept that it is normal.  We all do it, no matter what the circumstance.  It's just something we widows do.  I am so sorry.
Hugs,
Beth

[KrypticKat]

@Adventureland I understand what you're feeling. My husband died getting hit by a large truck that went through the intersection as he turned left.

Two seconds faster or slower and I wouldn't be on this site. I used to play out alternate endings. Like what if I'd called to ask what he wanted for dinner instead of sleeping off my headache. What if I'd hugged him longer that morning before he'd left. What if I'd offered to get the oil changed on his car that day instead of the next so he'd have to car pool.

None of these answers change the end result. But you can't help but think about it because your brain always wants a solution to the problem. Only problem is the solution is them coming back and it can't happen. Hugs to you.

[Mrs.johnson]

So sorry for your sudden loss!!! I lost my husband 4 weeks ago...he had gotten in that morning from work with an outfit on that I got him for Christmas 2016...he brought me home Dunkin Donuts for breakfast with an excessive amount of strawberry jelly... and then he had to head back out to meet up with a coworker and check on his car that was being fixed and that was the last time i saw him...my husband had an aneurysm and never came back home to me...my whole life has changed in a blink of an eye...like you I obsessed over what I could have done to prevent this from happening but my therapist told me that by doing this I'm giving myself way to much power...she told me that a higher power decides when it's someone's time and such a thing is orchestrated by a higher power or fate that we as humans have no control over...i hope this brings you a little comfort...

[Mizpah]

My therapist said that we face not only loss, but also trauma.  There is lots of overlap, but the two are two.  I think we all struggle to smaller or larger extents with post-traumatic stress when we lose our partner.  It makes total sense to me that you are obsessing, imagining, focusing.  I did too.  Our brains are busy processing what occurred in the early days, weeks, months....  It's natural, it's normal, you're not crazy.  You are traumatized.  The enormity of these events and our losses - it's overwhelming.  For me, early on (I'm almost 6 years out now), I kept saying that while I was not in denial, it remained that what had occurred was so unlikely to have occurred (DH was standing on the sidewalk when he was hit by a car/accident that left the roadway) - so unlikely that it could not possibly have happened, though I knew that it had.  It's so much to process and to come to comprehend.  We all understand and walk your path with you.  I wish you comfort and solace. 

[MelGibbs]

I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I am going through the same thing. My husband died on 3/24/17 in a tractor accident on our land. He was clearing some trees in our woods. He loved that stupid old tractor and I keep thinking what if I had just called in to work that day and spent the day with him like he always asked me to do? He would definitely still be here (or so my brain says). I guess it is normal for us to go through the "what if's"...human nature. I have to stop myself because I know that is not healthy and not helping me heal.

I hope you will find some peace, I hope we all do. Hugs to you.

[MissingBilly]

I did not lose my DH to an accident, but one thing I keep telling myself is: if he hadn't been diagnosed with cancer, if he had kept on with "normal" life, who is to say that he wouldn't have gotten hit by a car a week later? Or that something else awful wouldn't have happened? No, of course the odds aren't likely, but all of you who lost your spouses in accidents I'm sure feel like the odds weren't that your love was going to die in such a random way.

It's hard, especially when we look around at friends or friends of the family who have had long happy marriages, to believe that if this one thing hadn't gone so terribly wrong, that we would have gotten the same Happily Ever After that we see around us. And, of course, if you are young and your friends are young, you don't know what lies in their near-term future, either.

It doesn't change the What Ifs, of course, but maybe there's a nugget in there that might help.