Author Topic: Tips for online  (Read 2295 times)

Momtojandj

  • Member
  • Posts: 278
  • Widowed since 10/2012 . Living in NJ
Tips for online
« on: December 16, 2016, 10:00:31 PM »
I have taken a break the last few months from online. Was semi hanging with a good guy friend of mine. However I think it's time ( after holidays) to look online again , hopefully for someone more for my future. Anyway .... tell me some questions you ask when you start chatting ? What are some "deal breakers "? Do you automatically eliminate anyone , let's say that smokes ?
  I have done online before, not with much luck . I know everyone's expirence is diffferent , just looking for different perspectives. 
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Mrskro

  • Member
  • Posts: 294
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2016, 06:06:08 AM »
Great topic, I haven't had any luck either and disabled my profile a couple months ago.

My only deal breaker has been young kids or someone that wants them.  Mine are 14 and 16 and I am not a fan of young kids, been there done that. 

I'd love to hear the questions others ask too.  I'm terrible at that part, I dislike small talk in general so i struggle with the mundane questions that usually come from online dating.


Needytoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 402
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2016, 08:19:24 AM »
I quit smoking  and there is no way I can date anyone who smokes.  I also find having young children a deal breaker.  I am alright with grand kids.

I also feel I am horrible at asking questions and certainly up for suggestions. 
« Last Edit: December 17, 2016, 01:47:25 PM by Needytoo »

Momtojandj

  • Member
  • Posts: 278
  • Widowed since 10/2012 . Living in NJ
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2016, 08:43:56 AM »
It's interesting, I always said no smokers . Very early on , I met someone out and he did smoke, we dated for about two months . I would prefer a non smoker , but a good friend said you could be casting someone aside just because he smokes .
Also the young kids, I could date someone with young kids but not someone who wants more kids.
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Portside

  • Member
  • Posts: 364
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2016, 08:58:52 AM »

 Anyway .... tell me some questions you ask when you start chatting ? What are some "deal breakers "? Do you automatically eliminate anyone , let's say that smokes ?
 

When I was dating online, I made a point to very quickly move from communication on the site to a physical meet somewhere. I didn't eliminate anyone online. I didn't have any questions that needed to be answered in a particular way in order for me to meet. Well one - if you are a post-op trans, I'm not your guy.

I wanted to meet the woman and see/hear the full person. A question or two online wouldn't do it for me. Yes, I'd move on if she was outside the bounds of my normal - was a pedophile, murderer, etc.  But that didn't ever happen.

I certainly had my wish list in my head, but it was just that - a wish list. It turns out some of the most interesting woman didn't hit the items on my list.

And I would have never met them had I gone down a list of Qs before a meet.

Good luck - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

TooSoon

  • Guest
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2016, 09:14:20 AM »
I have not dated online but I am sitting here now next to someone I met three years ago on the ywbb - adp - who told me that, at the time we met, in his mind the deal breaker was any woman who had small children because he had been there, done that.  But then he met me (and M - then 6).  Had he allowed that "rule" to actually govern his choices or to override what his heart was telling him or if I had allowed myself to be governed by my head at the time (which was telling me, 'it is too soon' and 'he is too far away' and 'this can never work'), we wouldn't be sitting here now.  Just saying. 

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1646
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2016, 09:19:00 AM »
I don't have online experience to share but I want to say that on paper my fiancé would have been overlooked and I would've missed out on an amazing man so be careful with too many deal breakers. He was a smoker (but has quit now) has young children (who have become a wonderful addition to my life) was only divorced a few months, financially wrecked in divorce (but frugal and sacrificed to live within his means to rebuild), shorter than my ideal (I hate wearing heals any way).

I also would not have come off so well on paper at the time we met.

I wish you all good luck.  So many weirdos, scammers and poor matches but there are great people just like you too!
You will forever be my always.

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 444
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2016, 10:33:12 AM »
I want lifestyle matches...not too sedentary...financially sound .....happy

Deal breakers ...smokers, young children, renting a room in a house, too much drinking, temper....oh and height ....wish it didn't matter but they have to be my height or taller....I've tried and maybe if it was a magical connection I could do shorter but no....

Now the question asking that is tricky...how do you get this information...you can't really ask do you have a temper and I'd feel rude asking what type of place do you live in.

I mostly try sharing a little info and hope I get similar info about them.. I ask about children.....I like knowing what people do for a living , so I ask.There's not a particular category of worker I wouldn't consider ...for me it just helps the flow of conversation.

I ask about vacations and what they do for fun...it usually gets some conversation going. i will do small tall like wow there's a lot of snow...but really I'm looking for chances to joke with the person or seeing if they are capable of banter.

RobFTC

  • Member
  • Posts: 458
  • Lost Michelle to ovarian cancer 2010/11/07
    • Celtic Journeys radio show
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2016, 02:32:29 PM »
The mapping from people to online profiles, and the reverse mapping we have to do to get some image of the original person, are difficult things.  Some people are easy to discard, and of course online gives us a lot more things to pick at.  Oh look, his reported height doesn't look right from his photos.  Oh look, she wants to date people younger, not even her own age.  Oh look, they look larger than that "a few extra pounds" choice they checked.  Eew, look at all the dogs they have.

So I am with Portside for meeting as soon as you feel safe with anyone who manages to interest you.  Go ahead and honor true deal-breakers - I don't think I could be convinced to date someone who was still smoking, or who actually likes the new U.S. President.  A bit of messaging can be OK - but I messaged someone every day or two for a solid month before meeting in person, and them she announced that she'd taken a second job and couldn't possibly do a date for weeks, so THAT was a waste of energy.  A phone call can help - I would suggest women call men with caller-ID blocking on.  And maybe above all - keep perspective - don't take anything personally and keep the energy you spend to a sustainable level.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

imissdow

  • Member
  • Posts: 237
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2016, 04:30:36 PM »
I typically try to set up a meet in a week or so. However I do try to ask some questions to weed out guys who are  heck no!  I had a meet set up with a guy 2 weeks ago. He canceled and asked to rescheduled, told me he was having surgery. I told him to contact me after Christmas. We will see if he does.
I've come up with a general list that I ask in random order.

I ask about church because a person with no belief is a no go for me.
What's your idea of a perfect vacation, who would you go with and what would you do?
If you could have dinner and just dinner with anyone dead or alive who would you pick and why?
What type of relationship do you have with your parents and extended family? Do you get together often?
Are you a risk taker in what ways?
If you have a whole day with nothing planned how would you spend it?
At some point I ask so general questions about kids and their ages and if they live at home.
I also check my assumptions and ask their status and who they live with.
I may or may not get to all of these, depends on how long I e-mail prior to meeting being that we usally exchange a couple of emails a day. Even if we do meet within a week.




nonesuch

  • Guest
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2016, 06:46:35 PM »
Deal breakers: Late Husband died from lung cancer, and I spent the 25 years previous to that scrubbing walls and washing clothes so they didn't smell like ashtrays. If someone else wants to take that on with the hope he'll quit, well, God bless 'em.  Hope is often disappointment deferred.

No alcoholics,  either. Been there, done that.  Geraldine Jones was right; "What you see is what you get."

People who want to endlessly email "to get to know one another" are married, living together, or otherwise [emotionally] unavailable. I bid them a friendly good-bye without calling them out. It's a dating site. I didn't sign up to get a pen pal, nor do I want to get into a pointless, fruitless email exchange with someone too frightened to meet strangers.

Met a good match 'on paper.' The interests were there, not the lifestyle and philosophical attitudes. The comment, "You're really smart, for a theist" clued me into the fact that theism WAS a problem for him though he denied it.

In my last ad on Craig's List, I did come right out and state that someone from my political party may be a better match, but would consider someone who could work across the aisle, and had a sense of humor.  Current Beau fell into the former category.

 Current Beau makes me want to be a better person. HE wanted someone with a voluptuous figure, but has been consorting with someone with an jumbo-sized sense on humor, instead. I suppose no one gets everything he or she wants.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2017, 08:53:26 PM by nonesuch »

SunshineFL

  • Member
  • Posts: 168
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2016, 07:13:14 PM »
 :-\ Since I have had zero good luck in the online dating arena, I sadly have no insights to offer @momtojandj, but appreciate reading the tips of how others are navigating these strange waters.

Momtojandj

  • Member
  • Posts: 278
  • Widowed since 10/2012 . Living in NJ
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2016, 08:04:02 PM »
Sunshine, I like reading the tips as well . I seem to do horrible at online, but when meet people randomly seem to do alittle  better. However it's winter and I'm going to turn into a hermit .lol

Rob.. got a chuckle out of you not happy with a date that likes our new president. Funny .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

momtokam

  • Member
  • Posts: 554
  • Widowed September 2012
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2016, 07:24:21 AM »
Momtojandj,  I am at the point of walking away from most of the on line craziness. I have been encountering many fakes and very few real genuine people. I'm not sure if it's me or just the nature of the beast around here, but it is wearing me down.

For me deal breakers are smoking, long distance, height, being separated, being married(too many of those on line), and being gainfully employed.

I am not going to be driving an hour or more to see someone.

Height, I want someone a little taller than me. I'm 5'7" and sometimes wear heals. I don't want to look down at anyone, it's not comfortable for me.

My first post wid relationship was with a man that was separated. It had been 5 years and they despised each other but it wasn't moving forward for his kids sake. I'm sorry, but that wasn't healthy. I try to stay away from that now. You have to be ready to move on for me to be interested.

I don't care what they do for a living, but they need to be able to support themselves and not live in their mothers basement!

Questions are all over the the place depending on the conversation. They begin with weeding out the deal breakers. Questions of kids come up, interests,  past relationships in a general way. What they are looking for.
I'll talk more about questions in my new thread about speed dating.

The kid issue can be a big one.  Some men without kids don't really understand our situation as solo parents. Very little kids could be a deal breaker for me.

So much depends  on the person and the situation though. I often think that if that right person comes along and you click on so many things,  perhaps some deal breakers won't matter. I guess I'll find out if that ever happens.

When I was younger, I don't remember having deal breakers. You met people and went with the flow. I am trying to go back to this outlook but it's not easy. I guess we are at a different stage in our lives now with different needs. I just wish it was simpler.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2016, 07:26:44 AM by momtokam »

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 638
Re: Tips for online
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2016, 07:38:01 PM »
I hate to admit it but I have tons of online dating experience - before and post widow. it is a lot of craziness but I did meet my husband that way and after many rounds post widow...I was ready to throw in the towel but then met an amazing, sweet man - who I am currently dating and for the first time in 4 years of dating, I am happy with this person. In my experience, I do keep away from smokers (many of them too can have addictive personalities), I am very wary of recently divorced or currently separated (often too much anger though depends on the guy), stay selective (otherwise u go crazy chatting with everyone), keep the online communication short (not endless emailing or texting) and speak on the phone first before meeting, dating someone at a similar stage in life can work well (i.e. Similar age with similar aged children), try and find out early what their  "deal" is (I was naively shocked at how many men online really don't want a true girlfriend -  like staying detached), any very  early sexual talk or advances is huge red flag, try and find someone with similar interest/hobbies (great way to bond), go with your gut instinct (I wish I had with some of the past guys I dated). Good luck - there are great people out there...just takes a while to find each other!