Author Topic: Tips for online  (Read 2230 times)

nonesuch

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #15 on: December 19, 2016, 07:47:52 AM »
When I was younger, I don't remember having deal breakers. You met people and went with the flow...I just wish it was simpler.

I didn't have deal breakers when I was younger, either, but I should have. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by just walking away from someone who was not a good match for me.  There wouldn't have been months of agony over someone who would never be faithful (or never drink responsibly, or who would eventually want children...fill in the blank any way you like)  When we're very young, love conquers all and the differences don't matter.  They do, though.  We've all had long term relationships and had to work those things out...or experience what it's like when things don't. 

tybec

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2016, 08:32:30 AM »
No expert or lots of experience here, but read here, the old board, and my brother (also widowed) met his now wife on line.  He had a friend that helped put one of the original dating sites together help him with his profile and everything, too.

Also, NG did the on line for a couple years, almost.

Have to have your deal breakers like smoking.  You may miss a great person, but if you know you cannot live with it, then there will be someone else, right?

Pictures a must.  My brother had some stat on hits for profiles with pics versus none.  Just the way it is.  Also, pics need to be recent.  NOT 10 year ago.  Scared me to death but I dealt with it.

If you need active, put it down.  If you don't, write it down. NO game playing. 

Met with NG within two weeks of talking on line, then phone, first time available for us both.  I just knew and told him so, that we could "look good on paper", but not have any "chemistry" per se.  I understood men to be like that, and I caution to say, us females are to a great extent, too.  Just our make up to some extent.  I know some will disagree, and you can be the exception, but the law of attractions is somewhere in there.  And it isn't rational.  My DH and I were together 28 years, against the "rules" of lots of things.  Go figure.

Now I am naive and fresh, and NG has shared some things about his on line experience.  Living in a larger city makes it easier for anonymity.  I live in a small town, have a private business, my church, so my catchment area was wide, long distance, for privacy.  He never would have had looked me up, but I said hi first. 

Now a big one and you can take it as you choose.  Sex.  I don't equate sex with dating.  But I married my high school sweetheart. NG was surprised, and he said that was a norm he came across.  He had not done on line dating until he divorced, wife leaving him.  He shares a bit here and there, and women expecting it as much as men. Now my older brother is very conservative Christian so I know it is isn't for everyone out there, but maybe the websites matter?  You all with experience can chime in on this.

My two cents for what it is worth.  ;)  NG and I just got to 10 months and he met one of my 3 brothers this weekend, so we are moving forward.  GOOD LUCK out there!  Woo Whee!

kjs1989

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2016, 03:07:12 PM »
I almost passed up NG because he left the smoking line blank, which pretty much indicated to me that he did indeed smoke. And smoking is a huge deal breaker to me. But, for some reason I was intrigued enough to just give it a go and meet him, whereas I bypassed all others who smoked.

And yes, he was a smoker, but wanted to quit and had tried numerous times.  I guess I was finally the  the incentive because he has not smoked in four years.

Other deal breakers to me... financially unstable or bad credit history, anger issues, poor employment record, no friends, drug or alcohol abuse, arrest record of any sort.

In my state you can plug a name into the state courts online site and up pops all sorts of interesting tidbits from speeding tickets to foreclosures to assault charges, It is all there. I did that early on once I had a guy's name, and instantly eliminated quite a few. I was really surprised at the domestic assault charges against guys that seemed ok at first. But... sorry, JUST NO. I don't care what his side of the story is, if he hit someone, he is not for me.

NG was "clean" needless to say. Speeding ticket ten years ago was it.

« Last Edit: December 19, 2016, 03:11:29 PM by kjs1989 »

Wynne

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2016, 08:05:09 PM »
Even on this "young widows" forum I find that many people are older than I am (38).  It's discouraging to hear that kids rule you out for most people dating online.  My kids are 9 and 11.  I haven't put my heart into dating again yet, but I do have a profile.  I may never find someone else, but I guess if it's meant to be for my family, it will be.
Courage, dear heart   ~C.S. Lewis

klim

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2016, 08:57:23 PM »
Wynne I believe you nailed it when you say alot of "young widows" are older then you....and i think that's why you are hearing the comments about young children..

For you , you might say I don't want someone with older teens who are in need of tuition money and are getting free reign of the half the house/living in the basement...and yet for some of older wids that's the norm.

I think most of us are saying we want something similar to what we know and what we are living with.

So maybe ruled  out for a certain crowd but certainly not everybody....there are going to be guys in similar situations that want someone that can understand their parenting situation.

RobFTC

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2016, 10:45:20 PM »
It's discouraging to hear that kids rule you out for most people dating online.  My kids are 9 and 11.

Hi Wynne,

I hear you - I was 50 with twin 10-year-olds when I started dating.  Lots of people my age had been there, done that, and it was a drag on my results for sure.  But not knowing what to do was I'm sure a bigger factor.  If you're open to something to read, I generally liked this guy's advice before I found some better male-specific stuff: http://www.datingadviceguy.com/

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

MrsDan

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2016, 11:49:05 AM »
What's funny is I hear over and over, meet sooner rather than later, don't message too long, it means they're married or whatever. My boyfriend and I messaged for about six weeks! Not a lot at first.  In the beginning I was seeing someone I thought had potential, and when that guy ghosted, I was wary. But my BF was persistent. He did think I was a little stand offish, but figured that as long as I kept responding, he'd keep trying. I kept responding because although he didn't say much, I just felt like there was something about him. Then one day we finally had a more extensive exchange, and decided to meet.

People often say that they don't want to waste time messaging, but I guess it depends on what kind of time you have to waste. For me, it was nothing to message someone, I could do it whenever. But a date; that required time away from my daughter, and a babysitter. If I was going to do that, I wanted to do more vetting.

I think the only deal breakers I had was no addiction issues, and they had to be good with me having a kid. My boyfriend drinks very rarely, and although I could have dealt with someone who drank a bit more, I like that he doesn't. He and I each have one child. I think we would both like to have another, but have concerns about having three. It's a little different for me, because before he and I met, I was sort of reconciling myself to  the fact that I probably wouldn't have another. But being with him is one of the things that is sort of reawakening that need for me. But do I want a child more than I want to stay with him? No. It's not a deal breaker.

I think there is so much pressure in this society to be happy that we carve out these templates for making that happen. If a person doesn't seem to meet that template, then we move on. But the thing is, sometimes that person fits that template more than we realize initially. I didn't knowhow hilariously funny my boyfriend is, or even how smart. The only thing I really came away with at our first meeting was that he was nice. So nice, that I made a conscious effort to focus on that. And the fact that we were a high match, especially ethically. Because that was what I truly needed. Other stuff can be great, or get in the way. But someone who is truly nice who shares the same value system, that is a foundation you can build upon. Even attraction is idealized a bit. I don't think either of us anticipated that it would become as incredible as it has.

One more thing. It's easy to get discouraged about what people are looking for. I remember messaging my boyfriend about a bunch of cooking I was doing for the week ahead. At first I thought, oh this is really boring, I should try to be more interesting. But then I thought, fuck it, he asked about my day, and this is my life, and if it's not exciting enough for him, then maybe I'm not for him. I was done playing games. I was myself, and it didn't scare him away. The same thing happened to a coworker of mine. She met  a guy online, then at their first date she decided she wasn't really interested. So she was completely genuine, said whatever she wanted to say without bs-ing. She was surprised when at the end her date said, "So when can I see you again?" They're married now.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

arneal

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Re: Tips for online
« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2016, 07:30:25 PM »
I went into online dating with what I'd like to think was a fairly open mind. I didn't want a married man but was willing to discuss dating a separated man; LH was separated when we met so it wasn't a problem. I used to smoke and so a smoker, so long as it was occasional, was okay. Social drinkers were welcomed. As far as culture or race, I was looking for a diverse pool so went specifically for sites where the focus was interracial dating. I wanted someone taller than me (I am 5'4", so that wasn't hard lol!) who did not categorize themselves as super-thin, super athletic, or more than 250lb.

I must say that I agree with the meetup idea. The first person I met via online dating was a big fraud. It was a long distance thing and for me, that's a deal breaker. In this case, the guy made no mention of coming to visit me but wanted me to fly cross-country to meet him, even though I made it clear I wasn't in a financial position to jet around and even though he claimed to have a good bit of spare funds. Anyway, that fizzled before anything bad happened.

NG and I met online after I went to a different site. He lived within 45 minutes of me on a clear traffic day, which is like next door in Southern California :) We chatted on the site and exchanged numbers that night because the conversation was very good. I gave him my secondary number rather than my main mobile or landline numbers. We agreed to meet like two or three days later at a place of my choosing that was about half-way between us. It's been about six months now and I think it's going well. But in the end, only time tells!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b