Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

Well, this sucks.

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daysofelijah:
Sorry for the vent, but just wanting to put my thoughts down.

BF and I have been together for going on 2 years now. He's always wanted to move slower than I liked, but I've been patient and learned to let things progress slowly. It took him a looong time to even say "I love you". But things the past few months have been really great, and we seemed to be moving forward. I thought we were moving in the direction of getting married or at least moving in together this coming summer. I in my foolishness apparently thought a ring would be forthcoming for Christmas or New Years.

This last weekend things came to some kind of strange halt and are crashing down around us now. I let my expectation of how things were progressing out Thursday and we talked more about it Saturday, and he has immediately back tracked and shut down. He denies that looking at houses together, and planning for the future with our kids. He has even been negotiating his son who lives with him about how us moving in together would work. He denies that any of that really meant anything and has all but shut me out since Saturday.

He says he's scared to death to do anything right now, and can't tell me if he will ever be ready to. I'm trying to give him space. I'm willing to call it quits and move on if that's what he wants, but he doesn't want that either. I guess he's happy with how things are, but I don't know if I can be anymore without expectations.

I'm lost on what to do. I don't want to give up on him, I love him, and I feel like we need each other. But I know I will be fine if I move on too. I'm just so confused how he seems to have completely backtracked on what I thought was happening.

There's nobody else, he really just seems to have emotionally froze and locked me out.

This relationship stuff is not a lot of fun right now. And I thought things were going so well until a few days ago :(  Now it looks like I might have to start all over again.

serpico:

--- Quote from: daysofelijah on December 21, 2016, 07:37:57 AM ---I'm willing to call it quits and move on if that's what he wants, but he doesn't want that either. I guess he's happy with how things are, but I don't know if I can be anymore without expectations.
--- End quote ---

Sounds like he's getting cold feet for some reason.  I bolded the one section because I think it's important to how you proceed.  Do you really want to give him the power to decide when it seems like he's more of an inertia kind of guy?  I'm not sure an ultimatum is in order, but... well, maybe it is.  You've got the leverage in knowing you would be okay on your own and you know where you want this to go.  Maybe it's time that you forced the issue?

Trying:
Vent away!  It really does suck if you two are not on the same page.  I think the important thing is for you to be clear on what you want, what you can and can not accept before trying to have a calm discussion with him.  He may or may not even know why he is having cold feet and talking it out may make things more clear.  I'm not a fan of ultimatums but if you decide that you don't want things to continue the way they are then I would tell him that while you respect his reluctance to take the next step, it's no longer enough for you as it is now. 

The holidays are an emotional time of year so maybe that is contributing to the unrest in the relationship. I hope you are able to work things out in a way that is good for you.

Mizpah:

--- Quote from: daysofelijah on December 21, 2016, 07:37:57 AM ---I'm lost on what to do.

--- End quote ---

Same here, and I feel for you.  My boyfriend has told me that he doesn't want to ever get married.  And I do.  I have a hard time imagining ending a relationship I want to be in, with someone who doesn't want to end it.  But I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't WANT to marry me.  I have been stuck in my head for a few months in a stalemate over what to do, feeling paralyzed, and like it's a lose/lose option setup.  I either have to sacrifice what I want from a relationship, or my relationship and the person I want to be with.  Ugh.  It's a hard call.  And it must hurt that he's withdrawn.  I'm sorry. 

daysofelijah:
Thanks Serpico and Trying. I think there is an element of seasonal depression for him here. He actually brought up the possibility of getting himself some counseling to figure out why he feels paralyzed by the thought of moving forward in his life. I also gently suggested yesterday that maybe a different antidepressant med would help. He made the step to go to the doctor and they are changing up his prescription. So I am proud of him for doing that.

I made him feel in our conversations this weekend that I was giving him an ultimatum "either get me the ring or walk away" is what he said. I didn't feel like that was what I was saying, but I see why he felt that way.

I need to at the very least see him through the next couple weeks while he works on trying to get the depression element figured out. He's helped me through a ton of emotional sh!t, so I will absolutely be there for him, if he'll let me. If I leave him now, even though he's pushing me away, I know he will just crawl further into the cave he's hiding himself in. It's hard to know how to love someone through something like this. He keeps saying he needs to figure things out alone. I know guys do that, where as women/moms we want to talk through everything and find a solution right now!

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