Author Topic: Well, this sucks.  (Read 2314 times)

arneal

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2017, 05:57:18 PM »
It is interesting that you say that, jgib. I've noticed that there have been so many good relationships here that were separated by death and that has touched me deeply! My first husband was the ruthless one and while I never wished death on him, I suspected it would be him or me one day because of the abuse. A heart attack took him when I was 30 and my son was still 3. My second husband was very loving, but as I was sharing with one of my dear friends yesterday (who is 25 years or so into a relationship though never married but who was widowed the first time and who over the past couple of years cared for both of her parents who have since passed on), when a beloved dies after a long illness, we often don't mourn the same way. She and I went through similarly: I have not had many 'moments' since my second LH died because I mourned for many years about his health and mourned hard for what was our final year together. My NG has had two very difficult deep relationships -- one with his children's mother and the other with his ex-wife. Yes, divorce does bring out such pain that is so different in many ways and similar in others ...
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fairlanegirl

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2017, 06:02:50 PM »

I have spoken to many men that seemed to be damaged by the women they have been with.  I guess we, as a gender, can be pretty ruthless....
I prefer to be kind and compassionate as opposed to nasty, vindictive and heartless, but that is a personal choice.

Bit off topic but women are no more 'ruthless' as a gender - some humans are, some aren't. One is after all, only getting one side of the story from these fellows... All these nasty, 'crazy' exes we seem to hear about, must have had something pretty darned attractive about them initially, or for many years even, if the guy had several children with them! People change of course, but women are no more or less likely to than men.

And Bunny, I might be similar to you. New bloke now for 5 years, committed in every way but not in a hurry to cohabit or marry. Kids happy the way things are, logistics, and just emotionally don't feel I need it/am ready for it. But like your fellow (mine is 54) he has never been married, so we have discussed it and he would like to one day, and I'd be happy to for him, just don't feel the urgent need. Funny how we change over the years.

calimom

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2017, 12:16:59 AM »

I have spoken to many men that seemed to be damaged by the women they have been with.  I guess we, as a gender, can be pretty ruthless....
I prefer to be kind and compassionate as opposed to nasty, vindictive and heartless, but that is a personal choice.

Bit off topic but women are no more 'ruthless' as a gender - some humans are, some aren't. One is after all, only getting one side of the story from these fellows... All these nasty, 'crazy' exes we seem to hear about, must have had something pretty darned attractive about them initially, or for many years even, if the guy had several children with them! People change of course, but women are no more or less likely to than men.

And Bunny, I might be similar to you. New bloke now for 5 years, committed in every way but not in a hurry to cohabit or marry. Kids happy the way things are, logistics, and just emotionally don't feel I need it/am ready for it. But like your fellow (mine is 54) he has never been married, so we have discussed it and he would like to one day, and I'd be happy to for him, just don't feel the urgent need. Funny how we change over the years.

I think it has less to do with gender and more to do with whichever wronged party you're talking to at the time. Not saying that anyone would outright say an untruth, but can a lot easier to portray oneself as a victim than as  quite possibly an equal component in the breakdown of their previous marriage. More fun to do a "why me" than take ownership.

And I think I'm in the same camp as Bunny and fairlanegirl. Longtime gentleman friend, no immediate or longterm plans to marry, or even cohabit at this point. It could change someday‚Ķ.maybe  :P
"I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom" - REM

trying2breathe

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2017, 09:06:22 AM »
Agree that ruthlessness is less about gender, believe that it's more about how a person, man or woman, handles adversity.  My NG has been divorced x2 - often I hear from him how nice I am, and it makes me think of what he was dealing with in his marriages and subsequent divorces.  He may be forgetting how nice his spouses were at the start of their relationships.  With NG, I deal with minor trust issues and a bit of defensiveness about what I consider trivial things.  Nothing so far to break up the relationship, but I'm becoming aware of how different it is to date somebody with a significant divorce history.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2017, 11:33:09 AM by trying2breathe »
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momof2obs

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2017, 05:10:52 PM »
I believe this is often where we see the difference between divorced and widowed.  Divorce is usually because if irreconcilable differences or infidelity.  That usually means hard feelings!  Widowed is often a working marriage with two people that have learned to work it out and have a deep love and commitment but death ends it.  This means the fears and feelings connected with commitment are very different.  Not saying all for each but just the averages....
I have spoken to many men that seemed to be damaged by the women they have been with.  I guess we, as a gender, can be pretty ruthless....

Exactly!  I see this with a guy the I have been seeing on and off.  One our first date he told me about how he didn't believe in successful marriages (even though he was the only to get divorced in his immediate family).  I told him that I had a great marriage and that's how the subject of my widowhood came up.  As we have come to know each other I can understand where he is coming from as his ex is trying to sabotage his relationship with his daughter.  There is a lot of bitterness.  It has been tough trying to show him that I am not out to get him but, then again, I am coming from a place of no hard feelings (except maybe against the cancer that took my LH)

marriedwithkids77

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Re: Well, this sucks.
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2017, 03:19:32 PM »
I'm willing to call it quits and move on if that's what he wants, but he doesn't want that either. I guess he's happy with how things are, but I don't know if I can be anymore without expectations.

Sounds like he's getting cold feet for some reason.  I bolded the one section because I think it's important to how you proceed.  Do you really want to give him the power to decide when it seems like he's more of an inertia kind of guy?  I'm not sure an ultimatum is in order, but... well, maybe it is.  You've got the leverage in knowing you would be okay on your own and you know where you want this to go.  Maybe it's time that you forced the issue?

So true