Author Topic: Widower, 11months in  (Read 1323 times)

Jman182

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Widower, 11months in
« on: December 30, 2016, 04:54:38 PM »
Hello – I’m new to the site.  I figured it’s time to start talking about some of the grief I have been experiencing, as I haven’t really talked to anybody yet.  I think it’s been one of those things where I haven’t wanted to talk to anybody and want to just man up for my kids and do everything I had to do in a tough situation for them.

My wife of (just shy) 10 years passed away from a blood clot 11 months ago, 10 days after giving birth to healthy triplets.  Also have a 2 & 6 yr olds at home.  Like many of you, my wife was my best friend, we did everything together and had a great marriage.  I feel like I haven’t really had a lot of time to grieve.  Every hour of everyday is either working or parenting a kid/baby. 

Besides losing my spouse, I feel that the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with, is other people.  I have so many people that I think have good intentions, but at the same time, want to control everything I do.  I think that was okay for the 1st month when everything was a shock and I could barely function, but now, it’s really been a huge struggle.  I’ve severed relationships with friends and immediate family, and even now, it’s still a constant source of weekly drama of somebody telling me how I should grieve, how I should raise my kids/babies, how I should live my life, etc.  Nobody has a clue what’s it like to be in my shoes.  It has just been a tough situation to constantly deal with, especially when it’s family members.  The result for me has been to ask for less help or no help from them and do everything I can possible do, myself.  I work full time, but now watch the kids entirely, outside of my 8-5 job.  It’s been a lot more work, but at the same time, less stress than dealing with so many opinions that are constantly fed to me.  I’ve made new friends, but once again, it’s been a source of drama in itself.

I love where I live and the house that I built with my wife.  But at the same time, I feel like maybe I need a change, and to move away from my family and friends and start new.  I just don’t know.  I would like to think things will get better, and I know in some ways it will.  But I hate to always be labeled as the widowed guy living in a small town with 5 little kids.  I feel like I really want to move on.  I feel like I’ve really stepped up and been a good dad to my kids, even though, I’ve had to learn so many things since my wife was the mother that did it all for them.  It’s just confusing for me to know where to go from here.  I feel like a machine going through the daily motions sometimes, have lost 35lbs and feel like it’s tough to see a light at the end of the tunnel somedays.  Babies are up 6-12 times/night, so the lack of sleep drags on me too.  I know I will get through this and have always known that… there’s just a lot I don’t know how to figure out.  I’ll always be there for my kids, and that’s definitely the main thing driving me to keep being strong.

Hate to sound like I’m complaining.  But feels good to express myself in a place where others can relate.  Thanks for listening

Wheelerswife

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2016, 05:52:49 PM »
Welcome, Jman.

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved wife and the mother to your children.  I don't have children myself, so I can't even imagine what it must be like to be raising 3 infants and 2 small children all by yourself.  Add in the challenges of well-meaning people who don't understand...that is a lot to cope with.

I hope you find comfort in being able to vent here.  There are other young parents here as well.

I hope that you start to get some sleep as your babies get older and sleep longer at night.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Portside

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2016, 05:58:05 PM »
Hey Jman - sorry to hear about the passing of your dear wife. My wife passed almost 10 years ago and I had two little boys at home and two older ones at that time.

Try not to worry too much about all the fine points of whether or not you are doing everything right by your kids. It sounds like you are doing just fine. Ignore the things that can be ignored. I've never had to take care of triplets so I don't have anything on that for you but sleep when you can and just keep plodding through when you need to.

It sounds like you've learned to say "No" when needed - it's a great skill to have. In my own experience, I noticed that many think a widowed Dad with small children has no idea how to do anything. Honestly, I think they mean well but sometimes the advice they provide is just plain wrong for our specific situation. Eventually you'll find out who you can count on and those who you can't. 

I didn't have to move away to make a clean start but if you need to do that for your family, and the proper opportunity presents itself, do it.

Hang in there - it does get easier as time rolls on.

Good luck - Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Eddienhp

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2016, 10:16:35 AM »
Jman,

Sorry for your loss of your wife in such an unexpected and tragic way. It sounds like you have a good handle on everything even though you have been put in a very difficult spot. So sorry people are irritating you with their opinions how you should care for your children and lead your life. Those with good intentions will stand out. Maybe you should mention how you feel to those who share their unsolicited opinions? How it puts additional stress on you? They probably mean well and want to help but don't realize they are causing you more grief. I also remember there was a point in my early grief I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. It was like I had to retreat, hibernate and regain my energy. I never considered moving. I have a child with special needs so it would be very complicated if I did try to move.

My husband died 5 years ago. We had a 5 and 2 year old at the time. He was my business partner, best friend, husband and father of my children. I have adjusted to widowed parenting which is so different than single parenting as there are no visitation breaks. The best way I can carry forward is to live life as he wanted it for me. I try.

Thank you for joining us in this journey. You now have a safe place to speak your mind and find support amongst those of us who share your path.

Wishing you peace and strength,
Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

Lost35

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2016, 10:04:45 PM »
Good Grief, that is a lot to deal with.  Anyone who doesn't throw down everything they are doing to help, without judgement, can't in their right mind want to comment in any way on how you are managing.

I was just remembering today that early on, it was hurtful to think of the people I thought I could rely on, becoming judgemental or unreliable.  The only way to manage it was to think that they were actually doing me a great favour;  our energy is at a minimum and so precious.  People who so obviously walked away were really just telling me, "I can't manage, don't waste that energy on me".  It was a kindness in the end.  And I learned to be grateful for the clarity.

As for moving, I did it twice and it was cathartic.  A new view and new surroundings were what allowed me to start over.  You are obviously able to handle it.  So,  best of luck to you whatever you do.  I hope you find new people to step in and help along the way, as I did. 

Take care, 

-L.

Jman182

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2017, 03:43:48 PM »
Thanks for your replies, appreciate it.  I think when I wrote that, it was a tough week.  I do have good days and wouldn't trade all 5 of my kids for anything. 

I think the whole "listen but do what you feel is best for you and your family" has been something I've stuck with.  Yes, most have good intentions, but dang, it's like if you don't take that opinion and adapt to it, it's because 'You're in a mourning phase and not thinking straight" or "He's a man that'll have to learn the hard way".  I think people forget that raising triplets is much different than a single baby... I know from experience.  Especially with 1 parent, certain things just aren't feasible.  I just feel confident that even though I'm a guy that is still learning and open to ideas, I still know what's best from my kids.

My mother has told me "i'll have to hit rock bottom" before I come around and repeatedly criticizes me & heavily disagrees with many things I do.  She hasn't been over to my house since.  I used a professional nanny service for 3-4 months to help me get sleep early on.  But I didn't agree with some of the ways they were doing stuff as it often required 2 of them to do it(feeding/sleeping).  Once again, I told them I want them to do things a certain way so when I'm home alone, it works.  What applies to 1 kid with 2 parents doesn't always apply to 1 parent with 5 little kids.  Owner didn't like it, and a week later they were gone... and it's been me every night since.  Then it seems like all of the same people talk(all women BTW) and I just get the feeling they are waiting on me to crash and come back and do things their way...which will never happen.  But the kids are proof I feel like i'm doing a great job.  100% as healthy as they can be.  I get out with them at least every week.

Through all of that, I have found a couple people that I feel I can count on, that I can trust, for help.  And of course it's caused more issues with women not liking other women..just a lot of seemingly endless drama for a guy that had always been able to avoid it.   

Anyways.. I think just finding a new normal has been tough.  I was expecting a lot of changes with triplets but never as a single parent.  I do have to say there has been many people that have been helpful though.  Whether it's somebody at school brushing my girls hair on days I just didn't have the time to in the mornings, or people who've brought over meals from time to time.  The support has been great & appreciated from quite a few.

I think the efforts on raising kids has helped my mind from wandering off, as it's still tough to think of the loss of my wife.  Still lots of things that trigger emotions daily...especially bringing me back to the last day, trying to save her life.  Not sure if those triggers will become less and less or what.. but I hate them.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2017, 03:45:57 PM by Jman182 »

Julester3

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2017, 11:10:20 PM »
I thought I responded here but I don't see my post. The holidays left me a bit pre-occupied and distracted. I am so sorry about your wife. I do have to agree with you though, you know best for your kids. It sounds like your mom and some other females are trying to micro-manage you. I think you are doing a great job sticking to your guns and it sounds like you have a handle on what will work for you and your kids. I do think our need to take of our kids makes it easier on us while we grieve, somewhat silently in our heads.

I think triggers are different for everyone. For me, they change from time to time so what may have had an effect on me a few months ago might not do anything to me now. I find music sets me off a lot but I can't drive in silence and music at work helps the time go by faster. The trick is to try to listen to things that won't trigger me. I also let the trigger run its course because it seems to lessen the next time when I let it out to begin with.

Hugs for you today.

Trying

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2017, 06:40:35 AM »
I honestly can't even wrap my head around the solo parenting job you are doing.  I know a family with triplets and 2 other children, 2 parents, stay at home mom, and full time nanny when they were little.  It was not easy for them and here you are doing it alone while grieving the loss of your wife.  I know you are smack in the middle of it and don't have the time or energy to be reflective so I will do it for you if I may.  You obviously are doing what you feel is best for your children, are a loving and dedicated Dad and the last thing you need is judgement or second guessing.  I hope you continue to find support in big and small ways and drown out the negative people who have no way of understanding what you are going through. 



Peace and blessings on you and your children.
You will forever be my always.

Ursula

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 08:56:03 PM »
Jman , I am sorry you have to come here. It is a good place for solace and advice, there are always wise people who say things that help.
Let me tell you  that you are amazing, 5 children alone and working???? I have one and am wor king and I think I am doing a halfway ok job, but you are bringing up 5!!! sound great to me!
oh and the negative people? They lurk everywhere with their hurtful not useful comments. I don' t know why they just can't be helpful instead... hope you keep finding the good ones and all the best for you and your ilttle ones.
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

zachsdad

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 04:12:05 AM »
I'm sorry that we are here having to deal with these struggles. I find myself in similar situations. And from what I heard, you are doing a great job. Yes it gets hard, but again from what you said you are strong and can get through this. My dw of 13yrs passed on 1/3/17. She was consistently sick most of our marriage. I worked mostly graveyard shifts so I could be able to take kids to school, her to the Dr. Appointments, pick up the kids, and do whatever I could to clean up the house. All on 4hrs of sleep average.  Why? Because just like you said, for the kids/family. Nowadays it's a whole new set of terms and I am getting through them one day at a time. As far as the family/ friends interference, I'm sorry, one would think that is the last thing you need after such a life changing experience. But it happens to me too. And I don't even begin to think I have a clue how to handle my situation. But you'll get it figured out. You seem like a great father and those kids love you.  Keep them in your top priority, helps to motivate you.  Good luck,  and you can do this.

Adley

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2017, 09:13:56 AM »
Jman, what a heavy load! Hang in there buddy. When my DW passed, my youngest wasn't quite 2, the girls were 3 and 5. You've got big shoulders. I'm in a small town too, and totally get the nosy meddlers. They are unbelievable. I've always believed in peace and good manners, but have been forced to shake my horns at some of these people.
   One piece of mild amusement- back when life was normal, a few stay at home moms around here had years-long running conversations with one another about the hardships of child rearing and domestic life. Now they cut those conversations short if I'm around. Now, at almost 3 years, my children are healthy, well mannered, and excel academically. The do-gooders have backed off on the advice. You're doing it Jman!
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

bdean38

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Re: Widower, 11months in
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2017, 10:50:49 AM »
Keep it up jman! and good job raising and taking care of your little ones! I only have one 4-year old and she's enough for me! haha! Seriously though, definitely take the help from the ones you trust and won't put you down in the process...that's horrible... they don't know what it's like being in your shoes (I know very frustrating). Try and schedule sometime for yourself. Perhaps take someone up on an offer to watch your kids while you're able to go do something for you (e.g., movies, fishing, hiking, etc).... just to get some you time, something you enjoy doing. You deserve it. I love when I get "me" time. It's refreshing and helps me recharge my batteries.