Author Topic: a widow... at 24.  (Read 1168 times)


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a widow... at 24.
« on: December 28, 2016, 08:39:21 PM »
my beautiful husband and I loved each other so much. in the months before he died I was a little distant but it has nothing to do w him. I was just sad and going thru a rough patch. I moved to the USA in 2014 at the age of 22 to marry him. he died exactly a week before our second anniversary. he had been sick with what we thought was flu. but after a few weeks and it hadn't improved I urged him to get it checked out. Jim was terribly stubborn esp when it came to the doctor. by the time he finally decided he should go it was too late and after six days in ICU he passed away as the mrsa infection in his blood was too far gone. He was only 31.

his mother is saying it's all my fault that he died. that I should've made him go to the ER. she doesn't get that I tried! His boss tried to as well. He kept telling me he was getting better etc. I am wracked w guilt and if onlys and her behaviour of turning the whole family against me had only added to my immense pain. Nobody again will ever love me like Jim did. He loved me for me, and I for him. We kept nothing from each other. He was my reason to live. When we started talking again after a few years he contacted me the day I was contemplating suicide after being fired from my job and saved me. I've always struggled w depression and he was my reason to go on. Now he's gone and I'm in a foreign land without him. I'm moving back in a week or so. I don't know how I'm gonna go on. I don't even want to pack up our apartment. I feel comforted w all his things around. And his mother is treating me like crap. If he were here he'd never let anybody treat me the way she has. I'm destroyed inside. We were each other's only friends. We were connected on every level. Intellectually emotionally physically spiritually... I'd never felt such a connection before. We were utterly co dependent and we never spent a night apart the whole time I was in this country.

I'm lost, alone and all I want is my bb back. It's not fair. Any if it. All I want is to swap places w him or die so I can be w him. We always said we wanted to die tufehger so we wouldn't miss each other. I just hope I can go soon. He died on the 16th of dec 2016. It was so unexpected. I would do anything to go back. Anything. I hate being alive without him


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2016, 09:58:04 PM »

I am so very sorry you have joined our rotten club. It is not fair.

I was 30 when I lost my husband. We were similarly attached like you and your bb.

MrsT85 was widowed in her 20s.

Right now, your primary responsibility is to be as kind to you as you can. Breathe and drink water. I chanted the serenity prayer for hours on end in the early days. I put his favorite shows and movies on a 24 hr loop.

You are not alone. You are going to move forward through this pain, and it will not always feel this unbearable.

Right now it's about one moment at a time.

Sending you Internet wid love. 


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2016, 06:45:12 AM »
Dear Klaxl, I can relate so much to what you've just posted.  I lost my husband just a week ago and all I want at the moment is to follow him wherever he is... He is the only one who understands me, the whole me, the real me. I am surrounded by my family but I've never felt so alone.  If not for our doggie I might have done the stupid thing... We were married for almost 15 years and we never had kids. I was his baby the whole time and he suddenly left. It's very unfair.  I want to runaway but where to?  I am bipolar and my family don't get it... I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. I can't say be strong because I can't find strength myself.  I'm as lost as you but I understand you... hugs from across the world...


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2016, 12:08:14 AM »
I am sorry you had to join us here and that you are having a terrible time. All you can do now is take it a day at a time, an hour at at a time, or a minute at a time. Whatever you need. Breathe and cut yourself some slack. Don't let it get to you when other people lay blame at your door. It's not your fault and you can't let those what if's get you because I think we all had strong minded partners who were stubborn, a little bit in denial. They were adults with their own minds and decision making. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. All our nagging in the world couldn't have changed any of our fates. None of us could control our situations.

Yes, it totally sucks. I tell my kids often, we never ever have to like it and it will always suck BUT we have to accept it. This phrase has helped us a lot to keep on moving forward. I hope this helps. Hugs for you this day.


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2016, 02:32:07 AM »
Do not listen to his mother. She is lashing out against anyone, the world because to her the loss seems greater than yours. Avoid any confrontation you know you did the best possible. Take care of you. Wishing you well.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2016, 04:21:48 AM by wecouldbeheros »


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2016, 12:37:33 PM »
I'm so sorry Klaxl.

I agree with other posters who say "don't listen to his mother." Anger and sadness and shock will make anyone say crazy things.

Someone recently said to me, "remember when you feel guilt, it's just guilt. Guilt is not a fact, it's a feeling." I have found comfort in that.

May the Force be with you.


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2016, 04:37:44 AM »
Same I heard, but in a different wording.
Guilt is a human frailty.


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2017, 12:51:59 AM »

Guilt is all part of this crazy process.  I felt guilty and sometimes, after 3 1/2 months, I still do.  I should have pushed him hard enough to go to the hospital.  I left it up to him to know his body and I too was busy that night preparing for the first day of school, but he sat there and took the pain.  He thought it was another one of his flare ups from chron's, but he was bleeding internally.  He was going to go to the doctor in the morning.  I asked him three times if he wanted to go and on the third time I decided to take him, but by that time it was too late.  What made it worst was that long time ago I used to be a paramedic and I missed all the signs for internal bleeding.  I didn't recognize the signs until the very end. I want to do that day over.  I want to change those few hours, but no matter how much I want to go back, I can't.  I was not in control of that situation and I believe it was God who was in control.  This is bigger than me, however, I still feel the hurt but the guilt is decreasing.  As for his family, shame on them.  He was a grown man and he made his decision, jut like my husband made his decision to wait to go to the hospital.  Stay strong and please don't beat yourself up.  You deserve to be free from the chains of guilt.


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2017, 03:12:50 PM »
Klaxl, take a breath. This is going to be rough. But you can do it. I'm 4 years out on 21 January. The most important thing I learned was to walk away from toxic people. Even ones you feel guilty about leaving behind. You are going to be struggling, so if people don't bring healing and understanding into your life, walk away and don't look back. I have never been prone to depression, self harm and suicide ideation, but even I faced that in the months after my beloved died. We had been going through a rough patch - that's just part of marriage. He loved you no matter what -remember that. He was a good man and he understood that you had been going through something. It's fine. It turns out that a lot of our rough patch was the massive undiagnosed brain tumour in his frontal lobe. The only reason he had gone to the doctor in the last few months is because I called and booked. His doctor gave him nasal spray. For a brain tumour. That they found days before he died and when it was too late. It infuriates me that somehow wives are responsible for their husband's health. They are grown men. They can organise to see a doctor themselves. Don't take any of your MIL's accusations on yourself. She is grieving and lashing out. It happens unfortunately. It isn't you; it's her. Do what you need to keep going. Be gentle of yourself. Breathe. Take it one second at a time. Sometimes that is all you can do. We have been there and made it through. It isn't easy but eventually it gets more bearable, and then you find that life is worth living again. It can take months and even years, but it is worth it. You come out the other side as someone your husband would be so proud of -  a strong survivor. And that's what you can do to honour your husband. Hugs
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." Kahlil Gibran


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Re: a widow... at 24.
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2017, 10:14:39 PM »
Sorry to see you in this club but as we all know we are not here by choice. If allowed to changed anything of our life that day would be the item on my list. Drink lots of water. Try not to think too much and take one moment or an hour at a time.