Author Topic: Flailing or Changing or Stuck or....?  (Read 677 times)


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Flailing or Changing or Stuck or....?
« on: January 09, 2017, 12:17:27 PM »
I seem to be going through a really confusing time right now and I think I'm both flailing and kind of stuck, both professionally and emotionally..

I was working for people who were "not nice" (Understatement) after my DH died suddenly last July and while I did try to stick it out I finally resigned in early November as the stresses being imposed were not allowing me to cope with his passing and get a real handle on everything that had happened, everything that had to be done, and planning for what my foreseeable future might entail.

I am now almost 6 months out and feel like I'm ready to move forward in some way, but have no idea how to do that.

Though I resigned my full time daytime job, I have maintained my second job (evenings) where I teach privately, but it will not be enough income long term to sustain me.  I do not want to get back to the point where I' working all day and all night with no time for anything else, or anybody else. (Let's face it, I will likely date eventually and need some time for that too.) The big issue I face is that my previous employers have done all they could to ensure that I cannot get a job in the same field as they've told people I am unstable and unreliable "because I quit."  They are also not going to give a good reference if they are contacted, because they feel I left them "high and dry" despite giving more than the legally required notice period.

With the savings I  have put away, I can take 6 months to figure things out, get things done, get used to being alone in our home and just "be", however I'm a high energy person who needs to be busy and feel like a productive member of society (is that stupid?).

Anybody have suggestions for moving through this quagmire? I am feeling like I'm stuck in a position where I'm eventually not going to have enough income to live and I cannot get anything part time in my field because of what my previous employers are, subtly, touting around the city.

I am just stuck....and cannot see a way out at the moment.

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!


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Re: Flailing or Changing or Stuck or....?
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2017, 12:48:47 PM »
Hi, mbanyard,

I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult time with your employment situation.  It is truly difficult to try to function after the death of a spouse, and a lot of people have not had that experience and cannot relate.

I would not give up on your current career prospects.  I didn't exactly hold myself together after the deaths of my husbands.  I went back to work 6 weeks after my first husband died, and although I got my work done (I was working as a physical therapist) I was not able to go above and beyond as was my previous practice.  In less than a year, I met my second husband and resigned my job and planned to move.  I never did go back to that career, but I took advantage of the opportunity I had to go back to school and try to figure out what else I wanted to do in life.

I was still in limbo when my second husband died unexpectedly.  This is where I really fell apart.  But I have continued in school, amongst people who knew him and who have watched me melt down.  In time, I have pulled myself together more.

I don't know what you teach or what your working environment consists of, but just want to pass on some advice that I have been given in the educational environment in which I intend to work.  You get to create your own story.  Do not let naysayers impact your ability to do good work.  You can create your own true version of your circumstances.  You were left shattered by your husband's death.  Your work environment did not allow you the space to effectively process your grief and to adjust to your new circumstances.  You chose to resign to give yourself the space to heal and also to give your employer the opportunity to find another person to hire for your position so that the work...or teaching...or whatever it is...could be continued at an acceptable standard.  Your employer may feel slighted, but you did what was best for both you and your employer.  With some time to yourself, you were able to put your time and emotional energy into adapting to your new situation so that you could return to productive work.

As for me, my mentors continue to support me and recognize that my life experiences have given me a strong base in which I can empathize with others and be a supportive educator in my own field.  I believe that most people who know me would agree that I have come a long way in pulling myself back together.  I'm much more prepared to be effective in my work than I was after the loss of my second husband.

In the mean time...take care of yourself, perhaps find some part-time volunteer work you can do, and slowly expand your horizons while still protecting your personal healing space.

Best wishes to you!

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: Flailing or Changing or Stuck or....?
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 02:16:43 PM »
Thanks Maureen.

Just having you rephrase like that puts it in perspective for me. I think the plan I have in place right now (to try to expand my private music teaching and supplement with adjudicating and clinical work might be the way to go after all)

Thank you for showing me a different perspective :) (I did leave my employment, which was in the law field, was so that I could take the time to try to heal enough to function while not leaving my employers in the lurch, as it were)

Have a great week....I am going to try to do the same,
We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same....and I choose strong!