Author Topic: Surprising twist  (Read 1598 times)

widowat33

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Surprising twist
« on: January 08, 2017, 11:46:59 AM »
I just posted in the other section..social encounters. A little update on my post about my fwb getting confusing.
In my original post I mentioned a guy, who I was kind of seeing but was only a friend. My relationship with my dh started out as a friendship then developed into more.
I reached out to my friend about how I was feeling lately, how I was afraid of relationships and anytime it would come close to being exclusive with someone I would panic. He knows everything about me. We have an open and honest relationship. We also admitted we liked each other even though we were both trying really hard not to. For different reasons..for him he thought the distance (we live a three hour drive away from each other) was too much, and I was still afraid to tell anyone I was dating, and terrified at the thoughts of being exclusive. I have been seeing him for three or four months. I think we knew all along that eventually we would be together, we just both needed to reach that point. We reached that point, decided to be exclusive. And I didn't feel panic at all, in fact I'm really happy. I told my family and kids about him, and my inlaws which was terrifying but I feel so much relief and everyone took it well.
There is still doubt and insecurities about how well the long distance thing will work out..Most of my relationship with my dh he worked away so I'm used to it, but new guy is not. So he worries about it, and I worry about him not being able to do it. We had a good talk about it and decided to just take it slow, live in the moment and deal with problems when they come up.
I am so happy I decided to take a chance with him. He is an amazing person. Honest, kind and understanding. But yet those fears are still there and sometimes I think it would be better to end it now than to fall for him even more and realize it's not going to work. Even at this early stage it hurts to think about losing him and not seeing him anymore.  I'm an over thinker and right now I'm over thinking everything.

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2017, 12:23:20 PM »
A bit confusing. Is this the same guy who didn't want you talking or corresponding to anyone else ?
If so, that's a bit alarming. Anyway sounds like you know now what you want. Good luck :)

widowat33

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2017, 01:00:25 PM »
My mind is all over the place lately,lol..could see how it would be confusing.
No definitely not the same guy who seemed a little controlling. I cut off contact with him.
New guy is someone I've been seeing for a couple of months, but we weren't exclusive until recently. Neither of us were ready for anything serious when we first met, so we dated other people as well. I think it was good for us to do so as we realized how much we liked each other and how the other ones we went out with just couldn't compare. I had insisted that he was just a friend, but was lying to myself about how I really felt about him :)

arneal

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2017, 04:59:09 PM »
Yay for you, widowed -- I am happy for you. And as you talk about the 'long distance' thing, remember it's all relative. I live in Southern California, where nothing is particularly close. If there are highway accidents or tons of traffic on the way to Nevada (Vegas is 220 miles from me and I live near the highway that goes right there), it could take three hours easy to get to or from NGs place. As it is, it's typically a half hour to an hour. :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2017, 12:47:01 PM »
Congrats! I am happy for you! It sounds like this is lining up for you as a really good thing for you on a lot of levels! Looking forward to hearing how your relationship journey progresses with time 😊

momtokam

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2017, 08:38:40 PM »
Good luck and enjoy the moments together!

widowat33

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2017, 12:06:18 AM »
Right now his life is a mess. He has his own business and needs to commit more time to it. Then there's the ex drama. They fight he gets upset and worries he will lose his kids. He never stands up to her. She imposed a schedule for when he has the kids, which is everyday he has off...and now she is asking him to take them more, which is good for him, he gets to see them more than she does, but now he has no free time.
I went to visit him on Tuesday. While we were out for supper she texted him saying he needed to call her. He thought something happened to one of the kids so he called..she stubbed her toe, and wanted him to come get the kids..she knew I was coming that day to see him. Every time he's come here she calls with some bullshit excuse for why he has to go home early, always involving the kids. He's so scared to stand up to her in case she won't let him see his kids.
So he told me he can't do it anymore. The long distance right now isn't working especially with all the stuff going on. I know he still cares about me. He was very emotional. He's just not in a good place to be in a relationship. He didn't ask me to wait until he was ready..just the opposite, but in some ways he has hope for the future. I asked him to stop talking like that because it was harder to walk away from it thinking we might get back together. He's so uncertain of everything. One minute he's telling me that it's not over for good, but then he acts like it might be. He told me he wants to be friends, doesn't want to lose me in his life. Wanted me to think about what I wanted. So I did a lot of thinking and decided to try being friends. I'm not sure it was the best decision.
I've been so all over the place on this..sometimes I can be positive and look at all the good things that came from this, and I don't regret being with him, he's a good person. But then the next minute I'm sad that it's over, then I get mad about it all. I'm not sure what is easier, the sadness or being angry.
I honestly didn't think it would hurt this bad. The thing is we were like best friends and now it's different and it really sucks :(
I almost wish he had done something terrible so I could hate him. I almost wish I said no contact so I could get over this easier. I had such a hard time letting anyone get close to me again because I am so afraid of losing people and I finally do let someone in and then this happens.

Trying

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2017, 06:16:33 AM »
I am so sorry things didn't work out for you and that you are hurting.  I know how hard it is to open yourself to someone and take a risk with your heart.  If you feel that no contact is better for you it's ok to change your mind.  Do what you need to do the heal from this.  He may seem like the right guy in many ways but these issues with his ex likely won't change as long as they have children together and that does not sound like a situation you need to be a part of.

Big hugs to you.
You will forever be my always.

Mrskro

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2017, 07:12:05 AM »
Widowat33

I'm sorry things didn't work out.  Its sounds to me like he needs to get his shit together.   

Hugs

SunshineFL

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2017, 08:01:36 AM »
Thanks for sharing the journey @widowat33, but so sorry to read you are hurting now. I agree with @mrskro and @trying - good insights for sure, and will add that it seems you learned that you could feel that way for someone new, could be open to the thought of a new healthy relationship - maybe that was among the core reasons why he crossed your path for a while when he did - and will now be better able to recognize it when you feel it. (just a caring thought - you know what is best for you)

It is also perfectly appropriate for you to say to him that you gave it a little more thought and that you decided, for your own peace of mind and health, it is best for you not to shift right into "friends" mode with him.

(((hugs)))

momtokam

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2017, 05:04:16 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

In some ways this is a little similar to my first relationship post wid.

I had posted about him trying to reconnect recently.  He is still a mess and no further along than 2 years ago. Maybe further back.

I learned so much about myself through that and I learned what I was capable of and what I truly wanted.

The hurt sucks though. I'm so sorry.

arneal

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2017, 10:00:10 PM »
Widowat33 -- {{{hugs}}} Know that we are here for you, to listen ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

widowat33

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2017, 06:10:15 PM »
Thanks everyone, your kindness and support means so much :)
He has been texting me, I've been waiting several hours or more to text back. He mentioned seeing me today at some point, but I was honest with him and told him I was so up and down all week and I'm getting to be in a better spot and that seeing him now would not be a good idea. He said he felt the same and agreed. I think that's what is making this so hard...the fact that we both still have feelings for each other :(

SemperFidelis

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Re: Surprising twist
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2017, 12:56:58 AM »
Ugh, I'm sorry. This sounds like a pretty strained and stressful and confusing situation.... :-/  How frustrating. I hope some clarity comes into the picture soon...