Author Topic: What do I want , really really want? online dating related  (Read 3211 times)

trying2breathe

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2017, 11:30:11 AM »
Agreeing with the others to go with the flow and see what happens.  I'm starting to wonder whether I'm capable of feeling head over heels about anybody.  Maybe with age and experience comes a certain jaded-ness that prevents that starry-eyed feeling?   I certainly wish that I could feel like a teenager in love, not sure that this happens for everybody.   


Are you willing to give the other two guys a chance and see what happens?
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

SemperFidelis

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2017, 06:35:35 PM »
Initial reactions.......was swept off my feet by #3, thought #2 was intriguing and #1 I thought was too much of a marshmallow..

#1 who said he'd do anything to make you happy is the one you should drop first, that's a red flag.  The other two might be worth some time.

Take care,
Rob T

Rob that's funny, you caught that too. I had the same thought but I wondered if maybe I was being too cynical especially after dating a pathological liar who used the same line....it just sounded like too familiar of a tune.

Captains wife

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2017, 08:20:23 AM »
This post raises some VERY good questions. I'm not on the dating scene right now (as I'm dating someone) but was online dating for 4 years - and I struggled with similar questions. I think I knew, however, that while I loved some qualities about my LH, I didn't want to re-live the life I had with him in some ways. I actually spent some time dating many different types of guys to see what I might be open to - I tended to be attracted to a certain "type" but they all turned out to be real a**holes so I opened up to dating guys that weren't my usual type. It was an interesting "experiment". After a bad break up with one guy, too, I made a list of the qualities I was looking for and that helped.

So here is what I found (and hopefully this will help) - chemistry for me was very important and high on my list and that cant be forced (I wanted to like certain guys more than I did, and I couldn't get there) and there was a certain feeling I would get when I met a guy who I definitely wanted to spend more time with (a feeling of compatibility, no red flags, feeling comfortable with him right away, and I would really look forward to seeing him again). When I tried to "force it" to like them more, it just didn't work for me - even if they had a lot of great qualities and the feelings I wanted to grow over time just didn't. (This became very clear with a guy I tried to date this past summer). I also found that guys who were genuine and very caring were much more attractive to me than the "good on paper" guys. I also have a young son to consider - so I found I was much more attracted to men who were good with children and I could tell would embrace my situation.

I think part of this Ch 2 process is figuring out what you really want in your next relationship - but I also think that becoming a young widow changed me (changed all of us!) so the qualities that are attractive to me have changed somewhat. And lets face it, at this point in our lives, dating is SO different than the first time around.

HOWEVER, in the end, I also found that I haven't veered that far from my old "type" - interestingly, the guy I am happily dating now has certain nurturing and family qualities very similar to my husband (although has a number of differences too which I am thankful for). And after dating MANY men (no judgement lol) this was the first man that I met where I really felt something and a connection too, very early on. I honestly thought it would never happen but meeting this man has felt so much better and different than the many men I have dated in Ch 2. There was instant chemistry, a comfortable feeling, a feeling of really wanting to spend time and get to know this person - not the uncertainty, distrust, disinterest I normally had. And unlike the men I have dated before, there was a mutual interest in getting off Match quickly for both of us - so we could get to know each other and see where this might go...there was no games this time, and that wasn't the case with most other men. Who knows what will happen - but I guess my point is that I could tell early on that this situation was different and the choice was easy.

I wish you all the best with your dating path - and have fun !!

MrsDan

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2017, 08:41:36 AM »

I also found that guys who were genuine and very caring were much more attractive to me than the "good on paper" guys.

THIS!!!!!!!! When I met my boyfriend I wouldn't say it was oh yes this is the one but I did notice how so very genuinely nice he seemed. He made little gestures that were not at all forced and he was very easy to talk to. It really struck me; I mean I dated others that were nice enough, meaning they weren't unkind or anything like that. But nothing like N. And I made the conscious decision to prioritize that above all else. So we kept seeing each other, and found myself more and more attracted to him. Because I realized he had more of the qualities I find attractive than I realized at our first couple meetings. He's incredibly funny and smart, for example and I really didn't see how much very early on. He was nice, and we were a super high ethics match, and I decided to see where that would lead. And now, I mean the attraction is absolutely explosive. I'm not saying that is what will happen with you and this guy. I'm just saying I am so glad I gave this room and time, because the rewards have been amazing.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

klim

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2017, 10:32:57 PM »
one of the things that made me fall in love with dh is he loved me......we always joked that he loved me before we even started dating...and it really did seem that way.I lacked confidence and I didn't believe that a guy as good as my dh could love me so it took me a while to come around but part of why I loved him is cause he loved me first.

I'm more confident now, guy #3 is haed over heels about me...in love with me at first sight....it feels good but this time I dont know whethers its enough because I don't need it as bad.

The other part of this is I'm enjoying the attention, but right now I think I'd enjoy attention from almost anybody...and that's hard to figure out.

Sorry I maybe rambling but this is where I go to hear peoples experiences and opinions

MR

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2017, 12:55:11 AM »
Best wishes from all of us.

momtokam

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2017, 06:34:19 AM »
Klim,

How did your other relationship post wid, compare to all this? Is it a factor at all in how you are feeling now?

klim

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2017, 05:23:14 PM »
momtokam....yes I'm sure I'm comparing.... My other post wid relationship seemed natural, where this one seems fantastical.
Meaning it's interesting and exciting but it doesn't seem normal or relaxed.  I'm not used to being wined and dined. I'm trying to give it time to see if I will  adapt...I was a little more relaxed on Saturday.....

momtokam

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2017, 06:57:32 PM »
It sounds like you feel he's out of your normal comfort zone. It's good that you are relaxing more and getting used to it a bit though. Enjoy and see what happens.


nonesuch

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2017, 08:44:05 PM »
    I certainly wish that I could feel like a teenager in love, not sure that this happens for everybody.   

 I don't feel jaded. I don't think I miss the teenager in love feeling, maybe because I was a pretty unhappy teen. When you're very young and new to relationships, you're looking to the future and the losses that inevitably come haven't tempered you yet.   Sometimes part of the excitement is the uncertainty, and Current Beau was always asking when we'd see one another again. There really wasn't any uncertainty. Maybe part of it was being guarded, because LH was an alcoholic.  I wanted to be sure, really, really sure, I didn't go down that path again, and so went into dating with my eyes wide open.  Maybe because I had sustained a marriage, I had a better idea of the effort needed.

 

SunshineFL

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2017, 09:55:25 PM »
This post raises some VERY good questions.
...
I made a list of the qualities I was looking for and that helped.
...
...this was the first man that I met where I really felt something and a connection too, very early on. I honestly thought it would never happen but meeting this man has felt so much better and different than the many men I have dated in Ch 2. There was instant chemistry, a comfortable feeling, a feeling of really wanting to spend time and get to know this person - not the uncertainty, distrust, disinterest I normally had. And unlike the men I have dated before, there was a mutual interest in getting off Match quickly for both of us - so we could get to know each other and see where this might go...there was no games this time, and that wasn't the case with most other men. Who knows what will happen - but I guess my point is that I could tell early on that this situation was different and the choice was easy.

I wish you all the best with your dating path - and have fun !!

Loved your whole reply @CaptainsWife, but this part in particular resonated with me so clearly. Other than the "getting off Match" part, as we met in person at a local widow/widower meetup group event, everything about how I met my now boyfriend (smiling, aren't you -  ;) lol), and the days and weeks to follow, felt completely different. Time slowed, things got quiet, there was such clarity and intention and honesty to our interactions and our wide-ranging conversations...it was very clear to us both how we were feeling, that this was something different and rare and very special.

Like you, last year, I also made a list of the core qualities I was looking for in the man that I felt would be best to partner with me in life that aligned with my core values and who I have evolved to be in my post-widowed journey.  About 3 weeks after we started dating, I woke up remembering that I had made that list in a notebook and knew exactly where that notebook was. I went to it and re-read my list of values and qualities - this time thinking of my boyfriend and the really good man he was teaching me that he is. He has every one of the key qualities I wrote down on my list.   And we joke around about "being like teenagers" sometimes, too @trying2breathe - really fun.   :-*

So, perhaps these offering will help you - @klim - with your really good question here.  Being able to communicate and truly know what you really want will help you not only attract the man that "gets" you and who gets to have your full attention, but will help you recognize him when he introduces himself to you.

Have fun with it all and keep us posted!
Warm wishes.

klim

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #26 on: February 15, 2017, 07:36:48 PM »
Still pondering.....but I' dating mr hyper.
He's in love with me..which makes me wonder cause I don't think you can fall in love that fast....I tell him directly that he doesn't know me yet( he saw me first a month ago)
I find him intriguing,he makes me feel good, we do interesting things together and there's some chemistry. I have some reservations in some areas but I feel I need time to sort out whether I'm ok with those  parts of his personality.
The problem is I'm putting pressure on myself to figure it out cause he is "already in love". I think I am being normal taking my time.

Once again I wish this was all a little easier and more straight forward and I didn't try and think everything through...
« Last Edit: February 15, 2017, 08:09:14 PM by klim »

momtokam

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #27 on: February 15, 2017, 10:34:30 PM »
Klim, I personally believe that sometimes love can happen quickly and in the most unexpected ways. But, it's harder if you are feeling pressured, even if the pressure comes from you. Maybe without your reservations you would feel differently.

Try and take the pressure off yourself. If he is ok with waiting, then you should be too. Try and enjoy what it is now and try not to forward think.

nonesuch

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #28 on: February 24, 2017, 08:24:21 AM »
Maybe I'm cynical.  I believe in infatuation at first sight.  It takes time, for me at least, to observe whether the characteristics I think I see are genuinely there. 

Watching how someone deals with rude drivers, bad days at work, elderly folks blocking the aisle at the supermarket or cold food at restaurants is informative, and folks are usually on their best behavior for the first few weeks or months.

When a man told me he was in love with me within a month, I didn't find it flattering.  I considered him needy.  When I stopped seeing him, he fell into love with three or four other women within the next few months.

SunshineFL

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Re: What do I want , really really want? online dating related
« Reply #29 on: March 08, 2017, 06:42:21 AM »
Still pondering.....but I' dating mr hyper.
...

@klim - How are things going with Mr. Hyper in these few weeks?
Any updates?
How are you feeling about it all? Any more clarity?
Warm wishes.