Author Topic: Avoiding grief  (Read 1112 times)

kbeamish

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Avoiding grief
« on: January 14, 2017, 09:55:20 PM »
Hello,
  I have been reading many other's struggles and stories on here and have been hesitating to write about my own story. After going to a grief therapist I was told she thought I was avoiding by grief by not talking to others. So I am slowly trying to start talking about it. Hopefully, writing about it is my first step.
  On October 21st, I lost my husband. I was gone for 2 hours and when I returned home I found him unconscious on our bed. He was already gone. I am still waiting to hear the final report from the Medical Examiner, but they told me they  found out he had an enlarged heart and believed that was the cause. He was a perfectly healthy 31 year old man  and was going to play hockey that night. We were married just over 3 years and together for 8 years. We had tried to get pregnant for the past 3 years and eventually got pregnant, however he will never meet his baby girl. I was 6 months pregnant when he passed away and as I write this I enter my final month of pregnancy.
  My husband was a great man and we had an amazing marriage. All we wanted to do was be a family and I never thought I would be having a baby without him beside me. It was never the plan. I feel so sad that this baby will never know him and that she will have to grow up without this amazing man and father in her life. My whole future and world was changed on that day.
  I feel like the first few days and weeks are a blur and now my focus is on my babies health. Whenever I start thinking about him, I stop myself and focus on the baby. I can't bring myself to think about the future or the past, the pain is too much. I just focus on this minute and never allow myself to think about him or about the loneliness. I thought I was just doing a good job of distracting myself from the pain and trying to keep living, but when does distracting yourself from the pain turn into avoiding the pain?

IronGirl

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 06:48:07 AM »
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Listening to your story did actually resonate with me and my coping mechanisms too. I lost my husband to cancer on 4th Jan 2017 after 8 months from diagnosis. I have two young kids and I am finding inner strength from having to deal with them. Its very hard to completely indulge in my grief when work still has to happen and kids have their needs that I need to meet.

MR

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 07:03:00 PM »
Sorry to see you part of this club. Eat healthy and focus on baby's health. I did similar stuff but my kids are grown up (19 and 14) so more worried about them as they are in critical stage of life.

Hugs
Manoj

Julester3

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2017, 07:42:31 PM »
Hugs for you today. I am sorry for your loss. My husband also died suddenly but at his tennis club after he had played. He too was healthy and this was a shock to be sure so I know how you feel.

I don't think you are avoiding grief really but coping simply diverting your energy to the health of your baby. You need to reserve your strength for your baby so I think you are doing your best. Just cut yourself some slack and when you are ready and feel you can, you can grieve how you need to. I am sorry you will have to go through delivery alone. I cannot imagine it doing it alone. I hope you have family and friends who can support you. You will be in my thoughts.

libster093

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 12:25:48 PM »
Hugs for you. I'll be thinking of you as you go through the delivery of your baby girl. I hope you have family and friends to support you through the days and weeks immediately following the birth. Sudden death sucks. Certainly all death sucks, but the sudden and unknown sucks in its own special way.
Best,
L

jeudi

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2017, 09:17:54 PM »
kbeamish,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know a couple of widows who lost their husbands when they were pregnant and I know from them the unique difficulties of balancing a pregnancy with grief. Focus on that sweet baby. You can grieve in fits and spurts and it is still grieving. Talking to others will help. Best to you and your delivery of healthy baby girl.

Let us know how that goes for you.

xoxo

Judy

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2017, 10:00:28 PM »
I am so sorry,  kbeamish, that you are here with us. SO sorry. Sending warm hugs your way
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 03:13:38 PM »
No avoiding the pain, otherwise it doubles every set time limit. Everyone's sit. will vary.

born to run

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 09:32:51 PM »
I'm so so sorry for your loss.  I keep reminding myself that if I don't feel everything I'm feeling, then I'm never going to process this.  As much as you want to avoid it to get a break from the pain, there's no way around it, only through.  I hated hearing that, but at almost 4 months out, I know it's true.  Please take care of yourself... xoxo

alemja

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2017, 12:23:13 AM »
I am so, so sorry for your loss

My fiancé and I were talking about this last night (we were widowed within 3months of each other), he faces his grief and sadness and finds it cathartic, I find that it just hurts so unbearably when I give in to it so I just don't.
 Neither are wrong or right, you just have to do what you can to keep on living.

Keep doing what you are doing, focus on yourself and you precious baby girl, you have the rest of your life to process that grief

momof201102016

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2017, 08:45:43 PM »
I am sorry for your loss. I cant imagine losing your husband while pregnant. My story is similar in that we both have babys. My daughter is 6mos old now and I just try to focus on her. We also have a 6 yr old son who is very aggressive however. My husband passed after finding out he had heart failure from a congenital heart disease he had at birth. His heart failure just produced rapidly over a years time he was end stage where his liver, abdomen, and kidneys were shutting down. He was on heart transplant list but it never happened in time. I just pray every morning for strength, courage, and wisdom and take it day by day. I dont avoid the grief. I just hold it back from everyone else but I see him alive in my dreams so all I want to do is sleep. I get overwhelmed when I see other couples pass by. I cant watch tv anymore, listen to music because everything reminds me of him. I lost mine 1-10-2017.

LeahRoot84

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Re: Avoiding grief
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2017, 10:44:10 AM »
I am so sorry you are going through all of this alone. Although our SO's passed in completely different ways, I was also 6 months pregnant with our only child, a boy. And it breaks my heart everyday knowing he will never get to see him or have the kind of bond a baby/child should have with their father. My heart goes out to you and your precious little miracle. Hugs to you both!
Leah