Author Topic: Hi all,  (Read 781 times)

Got2bTitanium

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Hi all,
« on: January 16, 2017, 05:10:40 PM »
My first post - I'm sorry to be here, as I guess everyone is.

I lost my wife to cancer, just over 2 months ago. 
Strangely, somedays it feels like an age, other days the pain is so fresh. 
The last weeks of her life still run on repeat in my mind, regrets mixed with hindsight.

Our 4 children aged 5-11 cope well enough, and I guess they keep me going… But she was the one who ran the home, and I feel really inadequate trying to do that now… It means a lot to me that I do things the way she would have wanted, but even if she was ill for years, I feel so unprepared.  Her decline and death came so fast, I couldn't react, adapt. We had focused on hope and the positive things, all along… Which I guess was good, but left me so alone with everything, when she suddenly wasn't there anymore.

Despite all the sad stories here, it feels good to read them… It's a lonely path, that I sure didn't choose for us.

I hope you all feel better, eventually - I still have faith that I will.

Julester3

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2017, 06:15:03 PM »
So sorry for your loss. Don't worry about doing everything like your wife would have. Focus on a few things that give comfort to you and your kids. It will be enough. We have some dads here so hopefully they can impart some of their wisdom.

I feel confident I'll be better some day so like you I have faith and I'm waiting for time to keep working for me.

jeudi

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 09:13:58 PM »
Welcome. Great advice from Julester3. Keep your kids talking about their Mom, it will help them in the long run.  Sorry for your loss. Keep telling us about you! Judy

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 10:06:05 PM »
So sorry for your loss. Sometimes this place is a godsend, a lifeline, one gulp of air before going under again. So, sorry you are here, but here is a good place to be in the hell that is widowhood. Warm hugs
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

MR

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 11:22:41 PM »
Sorry to see you in this club. I lost my wife 4 months ago and I was trying to do everything similar to my wife's style but realise I can only do 25% of what she can do. I was one doing most of stuff while she was here since Dec 2015 but she was there to monitor it I miss my her monitoring her. Now I have stopped comparing me with her as I know it is not possible. So please go easy on you.

Hugs
Manoj

Got2bTitanium

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 07:03:42 AM »
Thanks for your responses, it's really nice to hear from others who live in this. 

I guess I'll have to accept that I cannot do what she did... Which leaves me wondering what I should do.
I definitely want the kids to talk about her! But I feel like I'm forcing it every time, and they just shut up or try to shift conversation to something less painful.  Not surprising, I guess.
Maybe I'll try with pictures next time, that usually gets their attention.

And I'll stick around and read up on the posts here.

Mrskro

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2017, 07:12:52 AM »
I'm so sorry you've had to join us.   

For me and my kids, I found if I asked them to talk about their dad they shut down, but they love hearing our stories, so I did the talking for the longest time making sure they remember him and remember our lives together.   It's been a couple of years and now they seem more at ease just talking about him.   

Trying

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2017, 08:04:56 AM »
In our family we always tended to tease each other so I found my boys could talk about Dad when we told funny stories or even made fun of him (in a loving way).  Some how that felt better than putting him on a pedestal and more real.  You will find what works best for you and your children but don't stop saying her name, they need to hear it even if it's uncomfortable.
You will forever be my always.

MR

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2017, 09:54:18 AM »
I have noticed the same thing that kids will only mention her if really needed else no discussion so I bring up the topic and discuss or show some funny pics and make comments.

Raymond

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2017, 01:39:32 PM »
Welcome. 

With children that young modeling your grief is paramount. 

The razor's edge. 

To lose yourself in the grief too much will frighten them.  To remain "strong" and muster through will disallow them the opportunity to grieve. 

Seems cliche, but find a third party to help in this regard.  Sometimes it might be family and sometimes it might be a stranger. 

Your children will want to carry your water and you must let them up to a point.  Then you must carry there's up to a point.  So this will go on until there is balance and you are all stronger in the carrying of it.  Lots of tears . . . . children stand at the top of the motivation tree.

This is what I've found, so far, four months out under very similar circumstances as yours.


Got2bTitanium

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2017, 06:09:33 AM »
Thanks, again lots of good and useful info... I will keep up telling stories.

One thing is the children though, they accept at least sit still when I talk about her.  Other adults - Family, friends, etc - Tend to jolt whenever I mention her.

I never noticed that death was so 'taboo', before.  I'll have to keep upsetting them, I guess... I want it to be natural to talk about her, especially with the kids around.

Julester3

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Re: Hi all,
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2017, 10:06:15 PM »
That is a good goal. I am not afraid to talk about my husband to anyone, especially my own kids. People tend to want to move on and not acknowledge the deceased but for me pretending they never existed is ridiculous.

We like to play a game where we try to predict how Josh would have reacted for a certain situation or decision we make. Usually we feel we have him pegged spot on and we have learned to laugh on just how well we knew him. So when we have ice cream for dinner, what would Josh have done? Given us his famous single brow raise, not say a word, would grab a spoon, and joined us. It gives us a mental picture and in the end it's comforting like he's still a part of us.