Author Topic: Overwhelmed  (Read 705 times)

Kismet

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Overwhelmed
« on: January 20, 2017, 05:09:33 PM »
My husbands death was unexpected. really unexpected. He passed away 4 days after our 2nd son was born.

There are a lot of crappy things that have happened afterwards to name a few (he died in my car) had to buy a different car.

The house we were renting the landlady sold it. It was on the market for a day and sold so now I'm in the midst of moving our 4 bedroom house into a 1 bedroom apartment and having to go through all of his stuff which is breaking my heart all over again.

My In laws well mainly his father and brother took items with out my permission that I could have sold to help pay bills and told me that there brother would have wanted them to have it.. Um no I'm pretty sure my husband would have wanted me to be able to do anything to help his wife who is now raising two children on her own.

and now I just received a bill from the hospital for our stay (I had to have an emergency c section because the doctor accidently cut me and I started to hemorrhage) the bill is $75,000. How am I ever going to pay that. Did I mention we didn't have life insurance? Because I never would have thought my husband would die at 33.

Everything is just really overwhelming me and I just needed to vent. Nothing can compare to me watching him get buried but I just know I'm feeling more of the emotions with the move.. because its not just the stuff its all over memoires in the house. Its like I can still feel him there.. and people say things that just amaze me..

"Well its been 3 months now. Its time for you to get out there and find a dad for your kids"

"Your just amazing your so strong" (Um no I'm not strong I just dont have a choice these kids aren't going to care for themselves and the bills aren't going to magically get paid so I do what I need to do"

"Your lucky at least you know where your husband is. Mine Left me" (This was at his memorial)

As depressing as my post seems please share some of the stupid things people have said to you so I don't feel like I'm the only one surrounded my idiots who just do not understand.

Julester3

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2017, 05:25:29 PM »
Oh man. That was just brutal - much of it. I am sorry this all transpired so quickly after your husband's passing and after having just had a baby too. Your landlady sucks for selling right under you and  your father in-law is a jerk. It's one thing if you offered those items but they just helped themselves. I'd have been pissed off. Legally they are your items as his wife.

Some insensitive things people say....

I hate the "you are so so strong" comment. Whatever! I do what I must.

I also hate "but you are so young, your husband wouldn't want you to be alone." WTF do you know? He really had no intention to die young of a heart attack, thanks.

Another one I get is "at least you don't have to deal with annoying male tendencies like football, beer and gaming." Um I have no problems with those things and would gladly deal if he were still alive.

I also hate, "what are you going to do? You lost your only love!" Thanks for the reminder! I cannot waste away here. I have kids to raise and they are products of my love for Josh and worthy of my time and effort. If these people want to know what I do since I no longer have sex since losing my husband (not like I'd answer them anyways), well that's what a vibrator is for!

Kismet

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2017, 11:57:45 PM »
i got the you are so young comment too.. his family and other people who choose to share their opinion tried to stop me from buying a plot next to my husband for that fact alone. But with being really weak through all this that's something that I stuck my guns with. I can pick and choose where I will be buried thank you very much.

I LOL'd on the vibratory comment. (His mother came over and cleaned our house while I was giving birth and when we got home I couldn't find my vibrator anywhere I was convinced she threw it away!! And wouldn't dare ask.. she is a very religious woman.. I did eventually find it but it was definetly funny imagining the look on her face if she ever did see it..

It's funny how people assume because your young that you are just capable of jumping right out there. I know people grieve different and people date ate different times but for me I still feel married. I didn't just stop loving him because he died. Now I'm not dilusional I understand that he's dead but it doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache for the love of my life... my best friend.. maybe one day I'll consider it but at this point I'm nowhere ready for anything I just want to focus on my kids. Which made me remember another one his brother one month out was like your vows said till death do you part it's ok you can move on.. just forget about him..

Julester3

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 08:17:47 AM »
We sound like kindred spirits. I don't feel married anymore but I know I am forever bound to my husband. I too bought the adjoining plot and I put in a double marker for the both of us. He has his plaque and mine is empty. It gave me comfort we'd be guaranteed to be together again someday and it'd be one less thing for my girls to have to figure out.

porkchop46

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2017, 06:49:03 PM »
I lost my husband unexpectedly just shy of 5 months ago.  He was 30.  We'd only been together for 2.5 years, but I knew instantly he was the one.  We would have been married for 2 years next month.  The day after his funeral his mom came over to open cards with me, and offered to stay and help me pack up his things.  I about fell off my chair.  I could barely spit out a polite that's not happening.  I have taken to locking the door into our house so I don't have to worry about whether or not something will disappear.  She can get into the garage if she needs to leave anything, and despite feeling like she wouldn't take anything after her comment that day I worried. 
We bought a house 3 months before he passed and I cannot tell you the number of people that had an opinion that first week on whether I should keep or sell our home.  My own family commented that since he passed I could sell and move closer to home (they're about an hour away). 
In December after confiding in two separate people that the holidays would be hard without him as would the 3rd anniversary of our 1st date, which was 2 days after Christmas.  In response I had one person tell me I should see a counselor because when her husband cheated on her a counselor helped.  I had another person tell me I should see a counselor because he did marriage counseling 10+ years ago and the counselor helped him focus on what he had and what was important. 
I've also had numerous people in the last 5 months reassure me that I'll find someone new and move on.  Some even include stories about people who lost a spouse young and 5 years later are dating someone.  Not sure how that's supposed to make me feel better when I'm grieving.  We had a brief window together, but after some bad relationships we'd both found the love of our life.  We had dreams and plans that were all shattered in a moment. 

Julester3

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2017, 08:40:37 PM »
Hey there porkchop46. Sorry you are with us here.

I don't like my MIL in my house either. I too feel she will take things if I am not around. I gave her a sweatshirt that belonged to my husband on Mother's Day last year hoping it'd keep her off my back and prevent her from taking things. He had worn it and it even smelled like him a bit but wasn't one I felt the need to keep. My FIL asked for a specific Cubs shirt which was a favorite of my husband's so I had no problem letting him have it. The point is he asked and it was a simple easy request to an item I was okay letting go.

I don't particularly like unsolicited advice either. It's like I have to remind people that I am a responsible adult capable of making decisions and deciding when I want to make such decisions.

I also don't like people rushing me. I know people would give me all their opinions about me still having my husband's clothes, shoes and personal items in the house just where they belong. Right now I'm nearly at 10 months. I haven't purged anything. The kids find it comforting seeing his things around. They are not ready to let things go and that's fine. We are not running a race to anyplace where we have to address this issue now. The only thing I've taken apart was his wallet so I could cancel credit cards and such.

Counseling is personal. My girls and I found it helpful but I think you need to go to it on your own terms when you are ready and you decide you would like to try.

I chalk up people's commentary as just "trying" to make an effort to be comforting but are completely failing at it. I forgive them for their inability to say what would truly be comforting to me but I give them some slack for it and I try not to take it personally...well that's hard, actually. After a little venting, I can get over it.

MR

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Re: Overwhelmed
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2017, 11:08:01 AM »
Hello Everyone,
Sorry we all have to be part of this club but as if we had choice. I am 5 months out and now I can see more people asking me what is the plan for future. For now just telling them something to shut them up. I gave away some of the stuff belonging to my wife as knew my daughter will not use it and it is better someone uses then going waste. Rest of the stuff is still there and keep thinking of slowing donating them but can't find courage.

Hugs
Manoj