Author Topic: Heartache  (Read 640 times)


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« on: January 20, 2017, 10:52:36 PM »
Feeling so incredibly sad and crying almost all of the time I'm not at work.  My wife of 23 years died unexpectedly on January 8. I returned to work this week because it seems like I can hold it together there while being distracted by what I have to do. I work in a loving and supportive independent school, and seeing the students (ages 4-14) also helps. I have been lucky to receive many cards, but when I open them I just cry, so I've been putting them aside. I have been going to synagogue every night to say Kaddish which is a bit surprising, as I'm not that observant, but it's something I want to do, at least for the first 30 days, so I'm going. I've been searching for widows groups and/or LGBT bereavement groups and haven't found any. I'm also worried my geriatric cat is about to die or will need to be put down, which is making me feel completely crazy. And my ex, whom I love, was diagnosed with cancer this past November and will have a stem cell transplant on Feb. 4. Today I went to my doctor so I could get medication to help me sleep as I fall asleep and then wake up and can't sleep for hours. I complained of pain in my chest, though I didn't think it was cardiac, that I've had since my wife died. She did an EKG and said that while it wasn't cardiac, I was experiencing "heartache." My young adult daughter has been wonderful, but I try my hardest to be strong in front of her, though I do and have cried. I'm grateful for this website and am trying to just accept how surreal and strange a place my world has become.


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Re: Heartache
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2017, 11:56:10 PM »
I am sorry for your loss. Leave the cards until you are ready. I simply put them in a basket until I was ready. I didn't touch them for a month. I didn't get thank you cards out until 6 months after the funeral. Funny thing as I made them right away while I was home because it gave me pre-occupation but filling them out was painful and draining.

I honestly think it's not a terrible idea to go back to work if it gives you a sense of some normalcy and peace and if you actually want to. I did not want to but we needed the health insurance and it was the easiest way I could provide that for my kids. Now work is just a distraction and an ends to a mean for me.

Give yourself time, you do need time to deal with the heartache and understand how you are feeling/coping. Be patient. Hugs for you today. We all need hugs sometimes.


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Re: Heartache
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2017, 06:40:11 AM »
I also put the cards in a box.  They have been opened now, but I still have not sent the thank you cards.  Everything is still on a table.  Everything that was sent to me, everything from the funeral home, all the thank you cards, unwritten, everything.  Don't do anything until you're ready.  Everything you are experiencing is normal.  Horribly undeniably normal.  Including the pain in the chest.  The physical pain has finally subsided for me (I'm at 8 months today) but only the physical pain.  Work is good.  It's my saving grace.  It lends a distraction, though the awareness of the grief is omnipresent.   
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...