Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 39557 times)

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #135 on: April 22, 2017, 02:35:17 PM »
Hey TooSoon: I started a new thread over on the Beyond Active Grieving board. It's called 'Creating a New Now' and I quoted what I posted above about hobbies and such. Hope you'll pop over and help get the conversation rolling with your ideas!!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

  • Member
  • Posts: 482
  • Widowed August 2013
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #136 on: April 23, 2017, 07:22:17 PM »
klim  I can relate, as I'm almost 3 months into a relationship where he says he's all in and I'm still not sure.  There are times when I feel that he's the best guy in the world, and other times when it feels off.  After a 20 year marriage, I realize that this is the way that it works with most if not all relationships, and it's been difficult to decipher what I'm willing to deal with or whether it's time to move on.   We all have quirks - for me it's trying to figure out what I'm willing to put up with.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #137 on: April 24, 2017, 02:36:03 PM »
Happy Monday everyone!
Just posted over on that other thread about things we do to stay occupied and got sidetracked by something that seemed more appropriate here.

So in my readings about dating and identifying 'where you are' in the relationship, some of the so-called experts talk about the fact that love is often shown rather than said. The one in particular offered signs that a person is into you. The one thing that stuck out was when he or she leaves things at your house or apartment: it could be clothing, knicknacks, a toothbrush, or something. NG had brought a set of DVDs at one point -- they are sitting on top of my player in the living room (we never did finish watching them and when I asked if he wanted to take them back or if he wanted me to bring them, he said no and that we'd finish watching them one day ...). But the thing that I mentioned on the other thread that reminded me of this was the fact that he left a guitar here :) Talk about 'leaving a mark'! I can't miss it and when I dust, I have to dust the case, too because it's been here for such a time now LOL. Again, dating is so junior high.

Hope you all had a great weekend and will have a wonderful week!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

  • Member
  • Posts: 376
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #138 on: April 24, 2017, 02:52:55 PM »
Interesting, Arneal.  I do my best to leave nothing.  He tried to give me his garage door opener fob, and I just wasn't ready for it.  He has my key codes for that and the alarm, and he comes on over, but it is very planned due to distance. 

He didn't want anything left at his house for a long time due to his young children, but it has been a year, so he is getting more lax.  Makes sense!

daysofelijah

  • Member
  • Posts: 185
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #139 on: April 24, 2017, 04:36:44 PM »
BF gave me a key last summer, but that was mainly because I had to let his dog out one day, lol. He just recently started staying on the weekends, so leaves some clothes and a toothbrush here now.

I have about 30 boxes of stuff stored at his house currently, but that's just to help make moving day easier since I have to move everything in one day in a few weeks. Otherwise I don't leave much there, I've only spent the night there twice and that was last summer. I never get a kid free night with 4 kids.

This weekend was fantastic. Got a motorcycle ride in, he came to a family picnic with me and met some more of my extended family, and we had plenty of snuggle time.

There was one weird moment on Saturday night. His son (the one I made the other post about) got into a fight with his mom and her live in BF. So NG's ex kept calling to talk about everything with him (or more talk at him, while he just lets her rail on), she called 4 times in less than an hour. He has a hard time staying neutral on things between them (X and son), but he is doing better. I've never had to deal with the X before, so it was a little window into what a nut she is!
Amy, mom to four (15,13,10,6)

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #140 on: April 25, 2017, 01:09:40 PM »
daysofelijah -- NG just moved last weekend; I've only been to his place three times so I have nothing there. We spend time at my house as I live alone -- his youngest daughter lives with him and she doesn't clean up much, which drives him bananas :) It was funny the first time I went there: he said he has a house rule of no overnights because he doesn't want to encourage her boyfriend. However, he followed that with something like, 'I am sure the second I am away, he is here all night' and we laughed. Yet, the second time I visited, which was New Year's Eve, he encouraged me to stay. Go figure.
But I digress ... in the article I read (which I should try to find and post here for feedback), when one person or the other leaves things at the other's place, it is a way of planting some roots (for lack of a better way of putting it) which I found interesting, particularly in the context of how people show that they care.
I'll see if I can find that article!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #141 on: April 25, 2017, 11:11:00 PM »
Had no luck finding that article. If I come across it, hopefully I will remember to post it  ;D

So here's another weird jr. high thing: for those of you early on, how often if ever do you ask the new person in your life for assistance? At some level, it's nice to be needed, right? But who wants to be with someone helpless, right? So last year, NG asked if I would drive him to the airport; he had gotten a new job (rabbit trail: in my education work, I have to edit PDF documents and such and I also like to work on computers so I keep lots of software applications. He asked me to help him fill out the docs and had no qualms about sending me his personal info to do so. When it came down to including references, he put me first, above his relatives and the friend who recommended him for the job -- giggle) and had to fly to the main office to pick up a work truck and drive it home. He stayed at my house for a couple days and I took him to the airport. I had to travel to a speaking engagement a couple months ago; I took a van service to and from the airport, which is what I typically do. However, I got hit with that lonely bug when I came home because 1) it was my first time traveling by air since LH died, 2) when I saw the familiar landmarks but was noticing them alone I felt it, and 3) walking out of the airport with no one to welcome me home was a very real moment. I wrote something about it on my social media and NG replied that he would have picked me up but I hadn't said anything. I replied that it was something I needed to go through (catharsis of a sort).

Fast forward to my telling him I have to travel; he said he would take me. I was going to just leave it go and not say anything since it's been about three weeks since we talked about it and since then we've had Easter and he and his daughter moved. I didn't want to be a pest, you know? However, I also didn't want to just leave and act like he hadn't made the offer. So I sent a text to ask if he'd be available to take me.  I honestly feel weird asking since I am used to doing these sorts of things for myself -- either driving myself or ordering the car or van service. Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1706
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #142 on: April 26, 2017, 07:55:46 AM »
arneal, I have trouble asking anyone for help and in the early months (year?) of my post widow relationship it was very difficult for me to ask him for help.  It bothered him that I didn't ask since I easily offered help to him.  I realized it made him feel good to help me and slowly started asking and accepting his offers.  Now we are engaged and living together and are much more of a partnership but it was definitely a process for me to get to this point.

My advice would be to just ask, if he is unavailable you know you are capable of taking care of yourself.  Everyone likes to be needed!
You will forever be my always.

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #143 on: April 26, 2017, 12:19:42 PM »
Thanks, trying -- he works in the technical field and I am a home-grown techie so he laughs regularly at my fixes around the house, like with my surround sound and a really tacky security camera I put up in my garage. I typically don't ask for help. So I did send the text, asking if he'd take me. He replied last night after I'd gone to bed to ask about my departure time. I sent it this morning; although he's still moving, he said he would and to call to remind him that morning.

Here's where my own angst kicks in: these days they tell you to get to the airport super-early to get through security; while I don't check bags and all that, I still do my best to get there early. It usually takes about 40 minutes to get from his place to mine and then another 20-ish minutes to the airport on a good day. If my flight leaves, say, at 12:30, I'd be at the airport and through security by 11 to 11:30. In my estimate, he'd need to leave his old place at 9:30 at the outside. From what I understand, the new place is a bit farther away, so there you go. He asked me to call him at 10. You know my reply was something like, I will probably call a pinch earlier since security and all  :P

I felt weird asking but am glad I did.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 477
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #144 on: April 26, 2017, 05:51:40 PM »
I am very bad at asking for help.......and very bad at receiving offered help...

The"I can look after myself" attitude is very strong in me.

I'm also very bad at being a recipient of perks....
NG is doing well financially ...not extra extra loaded but feeling  very comfortable.
He has taken me out for some very expensive dinners and my birthday  present was way more costly then I would have expected as we had only been going out a couple of months.
The thing is  I like it  on some level  bit it also bothers me, as if he's trying to buy my love. Then I think it's just how he thinks...he's kinda a "go big or go home" type of guy in all things he does.

He has a couple of nice new cars and I drive an 11 yr old minivan. He keeps telling me I can borrow his nice car any time......I always say no.... It's part of my,I can look after myself, attitude.

Maybe it's time I tried letting that guard down a bit......

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #145 on: April 26, 2017, 10:33:26 PM »
I hear you, klim! In the stuff I read about dating, that's a real thing. Men like being needed. They don't want a gold digger obviously but someone who is appreciative. When NG was on his way to Texas after taking his present job last fall, he said he would be driving back through Tucson. We'd been on a silly kick about who was ahead on points and prizes and I think I was in the lead after helping with his resume and so on for the job. He asked me what sort of prize I wanted and I commented that I had gotten a lovely piece of Hopi jewelry the last time I was in Tucson. When he got back and the very next time he came to my house, he was barely in the door before he whipped out this necklace box. I opened it and it was an Indigenous necklace and earrings. He said he got it in New Mexico and it was Zuni, not Hopi. However, I didn't argue :) It is lovely and I get lots of compliments on it. Indigenous jewelry is not cheap. And Christmas was similar.

For me, it was a matter of not having similar means. I know we aren't in a competition but still. We have always been good about splitting spending, like the one overnight we took together, I got the room and he paid for parking and dinner, which was more expensive than the room with all the food and drinks we had lol (we were at the beach). I cook quite a bit but he drives to my house. When we go out, he'll buy dinner and I'll pay for a movie. But on those times when I can do it all, I try to :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

maddalena

  • Member
  • Posts: 151
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #146 on: April 27, 2017, 10:16:52 AM »
For me, it was lower your expectations.
My new guy is absolutely wonderful in many ways. But in SOME ways, he cannot even begin to compete. So I judge.
If I had married new guy in 1978 instead of DDH, I would probably not even notice these things.
It's never ever like the first time. Oh well, except when you are first in love and blind. that still worked for me.

You have to find a man who is understanding, because DDH is ALWAYS in the house. and NG will always know that.
so if he can't talk about it, if he can't understand why you are crying,  look for someone else.

I consider myself very very fortunate to wake up every morning with this man.


Sugarbell

  • Member
  • Posts: 795
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #147 on: April 27, 2017, 10:58:24 AM »
I believe timing is everything too.

9.5 years widowed...over 5 years clean and sober....I am healed, whole, independent, capable.

Actually have something to offer...I was with past relationship over 2 years (and it wasn't bad-he was a good guy with good qualities but I knew he wasn't the one so I kept the wall a little up).

This is different. We connect, flow...it's easy. We get each other. He grounds me...he says I am his "peace".

It's early..we've met each other's families. He's done family dinner with my folks twice..gone to several of my sons baseball games. I don't ask for him for help...he just does it. It's weird it's so comfortable. Maybe because we both grew up here. It hasn't been this "easy" since I started dating DHs in my early 20s.

He's a country boy...he runs a 100 acre farm and works a full time job. This will be a Loooong time dating (because we both know we can't live together...he lives 25 miles outta town..I live one minute from the schools and it's easy with my kids stuff being close. But I'm not worried about all that stuff yet...I'm just really enjoying everything about him.

B.W.H. 9/24/2007

tybec

  • Member
  • Posts: 376
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #148 on: April 27, 2017, 01:57:58 PM »
Quote
For me, it was lower your expectations.
My new guy is absolutely wonderful in many ways. But in SOME ways, he cannot even begin to compete. So I judge.
If I had married new guy in 1978 instead of DDH, I would probably not even notice these things.
It's never ever like the first time. Oh well, except when you are first in love and blind. that still worked for me.

You have to find a man who is understanding, because DDH is ALWAYS in the house. and NG will always know that.
so if he can't talk about it, if he can't understand why you are crying,  look for someone else.

Oh, boy, this hit me.  I love NG.  He loves me.  He loves me, because so much of me is DH.  I can relate to him on so many levels because of DH.  I don't want to compare.  NG has to know he can't measure up to DH on lots of things.  I try to just concentrate that I am not who I was and NG is a new love, new life, and it is no comparison, therefore.

I do have some things come up.  NG had many gfs.  I don't want to even know.  I had DH since HS.  He says things to me like we would have had the most beautiful kids.  It is strange because I don't want to go there.  I had my child with DH, and would't want it any other way.  He tells me things like I am the best kisser he has ever had, and other things.  I don't know if men just say those things, or he really means it, but I can't say that to him.  I think it is apples to oranges in a comparison, so I don't.  I don't think about DH like I used to.  I am letting him go.  Anyway, random thoughts on budding relationships....

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 823
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #149 on: April 27, 2017, 02:19:51 PM »
I think because my first marriage was so traumatic, including the first husband's death, I learned not to compare. Second LH is like that sage voice in my head. I smile at times when I think of how he would think of my life without him. He told me that he did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life and used to fuss when I kept to myself too much; he'd tell me to be more open. I think of the person I am today, how I call the folks in the neighborhood stores my friends and talk to them, how they recognize me and treat me well, and of course how I go to the gym and especially how I've opened up to NG and know he'd be thrilled. I can see him smiling ... smirking actually, and imagine that he'd say something like, 'I told you so -- see how nice it is to be open with people?'  ::)

Second LH and NG are music folks; LH played professionally while NG does it for fun even though his dad was a professional musician. That's about the only thing they have in common. It's almost a 'be careful what you ask for' because while LH was all about being in the same space, NG is perfectly content to do his thing and not feel some type of way about who is doing what when we aren't together. He is very focused on his work and life, which is great -- after being with an abusive person the first time and being a caregiver the second, I am happy about that. When we are together, he is super attentive, even if he doesn't always remember small stuff like movies we've watched before lol. He does remember important things though, which is great. However, I can't be satisfied it seems since I like the freedom but wouldn't mind a bit more contact. I am resonating with what you said, Sugarbell, about getting to a place of personal wholeness. That is so important to me and the rest as they say, will follow. Or it won't. I can't worry about it and as such do more caring for myself, working, and doing my volunteer work again. It's all new and weird but good :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b