Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 17853 times)

BrokenHeart2

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #345 on: September 02, 2017, 12:37:33 PM »
Thank you MD17 for sharing your journey with us.  I'm envious  ;)
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #346 on: September 02, 2017, 02:15:04 PM »
Yes, thank you for sharing, daysofelijah and mw! NG is the closest to my age out of my intimate relationships. The first husband/my son's dad was about 12 years older and my second husband was 15 years older, while NG is only five years older. I guess I've finally reached an age where all my maturity points match  ;D ;D ;D

We will see how the weekend susses out; I have a congratulatory dinner reservation for NG and I because he started a new job this past week and I wanted to do something to celebrate the end of the stress from his last job. I didn't get to clean the house earlier in the week because I put up a small greenhouse in my backyard the other day, so that's on my agenda for today. Hope to spend time with him this weekend :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #347 on: September 02, 2017, 02:48:15 PM »
Thank you doe and mwd, I enjoyed reading your posts - good to hear of established relationships going well. 

Gosh new relationships are hard!
It sounds like everyone is dealing well with things as they come. Communication is such a hard thing to balance. I think being widowed makes us more able to deal with the relationship issues after having been through so much.

^Yes, they are!  Wish I didn't, but I tend to make things more difficult than they need to be.  ::)  Widowhood has made me more resilient, I'm not sure that I deal with relationship issues any better now though.

Happy Labor Day Weekend, All ~
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #348 on: September 02, 2017, 04:02:54 PM »
trying2: I would dare say that widowhood certainly makes us more resilient but probably also gives us less tolerance for nonsense ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #349 on: September 03, 2017, 08:33:34 AM »
trying2: I would dare say that widowhood certainly makes us more resilient but probably also gives us less tolerance for nonsense ...

Absolutely!! 
However, what one person defines as an idiosyncrasy might be somebody else's nonsense.  In the non-romantic arena, I have little patience for foolishness and won't waste time on something I consider to be less than worthwhile.  In my relationship with NG, there are issues and it's work to define what's nonsense vs. something that I can work with.  I wish it were more defined though, the more I get into this the more complicated it gets!  ::)
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #350 on: September 03, 2017, 09:58:04 AM »
t2b ...yes the work that you speak  of with issues...that is what makes new relationships tricky. For me there's so much thinking that I do now, where I don't believe I analyzed as much when I was young. I just when with the flow.

Sometimes now I go with the flow and it feels easier, but then my thinking kicks in......

The last couple of days I spent at NG's house and I did some things I'd never thought I would.  Let me explain. NG is a farmer/businessman. He was an old school type of guy where his responsiblility was to "work and provide for the family". So his wife also had a traditional role of taking care of house and home. I don't really have any trouble with people taking on roles as long as they are happy with it. The thing is when his wife left he had no "home" skills and  none of the things you would find in a normal home because his wife emptied the house to the bare walls.  When I met him he had developed somewhat , he knows how to cook a few things and can now do his laundry. But his house which is  large and actually could be very nice was run down and dirty. He was living as a bachelor farmer....not really an inviting environment! He doesn't lack money so over time I've suggested some purchases that would make it more inviting. Some extra kitchenware, cushions for his wrought iron patio set(now I actually like sitting outside) but this weekend I broached a couple of things that I felt I shouldn't, but were bugging me. His bedding was dismal and he would let it go too long between washes...I had to speak up.....so a 10 pm run to walmart and new bedding lead to the best night I've had there.
Spurred on by the bed makeover, I suggested painting his living room which was a mess. The previous owner had done some renovations  (like I said the place has potential) but the project was not quite finished. The walls had some  dirty old wallpaper in one area, new construction on another,  half painted in another....a mess. So we spent the day painting.

I'm liking it but I didn't like having to suggest these things because........I don't know, I guess I feel demanding.....( but I didn't demand) . I think he's just oblivious to things that make a house a home.

Anyway that was my weekend.

<a data-flickr-embed="true"  href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/76752159@N08/35633945020/in/dateposted-public/" title="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"><img src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35633945020_f20f4231a2.jpg" width="300" height="225" alt="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

Bunny

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #351 on: September 03, 2017, 11:21:29 AM »
I'm liking it but I didn't like having to suggest these things because........I don't know, I guess I feel demanding.....( but I didn't demand) . I think he's just oblivious to things that make a house a home.

Perhaps what you see as demanding he sees as merely being helpful. He might be feeling relieved you've finally shown an interest.  I mean, it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of interest/experience in the domestic side of a household. Congratulations -it sounds like you've got yourself a blank slate made of malleable clay! Now enjoy being Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle. Just make sure your suggestions always come from a place of good will and you won't sound unreasonable or demanding. A word of warning- men like that aren't usually into sharing the household chores- they gladly hand the reins over to the woman in their lives so be sure to also teach him to take care of shit or you could one day find yourself doing it all!
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #352 on: September 04, 2017, 12:25:07 PM »
Bunny -- I love your reply!

The role thing  ::) The first husband was one of those demanding, almost caveman types when it came to roles. Women's place and all that garbage. My second husband was the total opposite: could cook like a dream, which had caused difficulty in his first marriage (his ex, once she realized he could cook, didn't; for me, it made me nervous that whatever I cooked would not be good enough, but he was a great partner and I have, thanks to his encouragement over the years, become very comfy in the kitchen), and had no problems taking care of the house when I worked outside the home full-time (he had been retired for health by then). I honestly didn't become domestic until he died. I mean, I cleaned and all that, but the true pride in my home didn't blossom until I was in here all by myself. Sad perhaps but true.

I think about it now and in a way it goes back to something in an earlier discussion about getting comfy and losing the desire to work for the romance. While cleaning and cooking did not seem like aspects of romance to me before, they certainly do now. The first time NG and I had a conversation about him coming to my house, I warned him that I live in chaos theory ... I said it's clean but cluttered  :D When he got here, he looked around and said, 'this is not cluttered!' He's always liked my cooking, even when I wasn't happy with it. Needless to say, that encouraged me to keep at it.

I made cookies on Saturday and took some to his place yesterday; I had made reservations to take him out to dinner to celebrate his new job. He said he didn't think he'd ever had snickerdoodle cookies and when he bit it, he said the texture was perfect, reminded him of his mom's lemon cookies. I had to remind him we were going to dinner because he tucked in like he was going to make a meal of them. We got to the restaurant and just as we were finishing I went to the restroom. On my way back, I snagged the server and asked her to bring a slice of cake with a candle in it as a surprise. He was so shocked when she brought it. I guess it was a combination of cooking and not cooking  ;D It was a good day overall. I did want to stay over, but knew he had some studying to do for a project he's been put on for this new job so I didn't pout :) I have to travel for work next week myself, so we'll see what next weekend holds before I go!

Enjoy your Labor Day all!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Bunny

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #353 on: September 06, 2017, 10:52:24 PM »
Today my boyfriend seriously pissed me off and it ended up making me miss my husband.  My husband couldn't bear for us to be angry at each other for very long, but my bf can go all day holding onto his grudges. Funny how my husband had the much shittier temper but wanted things resolved Right Away...

As for cooking- my husband taught me how to cook and I did end up doing the majority. My boyfriend enjoys cooking, so we share that task pretty evenly. I much prefer baking actually- though he is in charge of the pie-making.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #354 on: September 07, 2017, 09:42:42 AM »
I am so sorry, Bunny. I hope you will be able to talk with him about how him holding grudges makes you feel. My NG can be the same way but it has always been about others in the past. I try to talk about how it often hurts us more to be that way because the person we're holding the grudge against has most likely gone on with their life and isn't thinking about us, so we should move on and let it go. He's not quite there yet as some of his hurts go back a long way and are deep. But I am not sure how I would react should he be that way towards me. Probably not very well  >:(
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #355 on: September 07, 2017, 10:55:39 AM »
Bunny,

Thanks for sharing about that.  I find myself missing my LH with all the complications of the NG and our process of learning to manage things, like a fight/fuss.  It was so easy due to trust and knowing we would get through it with LH.  I wish I didn't go back to LH so much in my thoughts as it doesn't help me at all.  Oh well.  That is where I am.

Hot then cold.  Spent every night with NG for Labor DAy weekend.  Had MIL come visit at the new house.  She is moving next Friday back to her family, her HOME, she has always called it. Passively/aggressively posted on FB that she is moving because I moved with her grandson. LET IT GO, Tybec! 
 
Now, this week, no contact face to face.  Busy.  Work, other activities.  NG volunteers for the VFW now one night a week, is a cub scout pack leader, so that is one night a week, has his kids one night a week every other week.  Unbelievable we can be together so much and then, poof, gone.  I start a small group next week on one of his busy nights to get out, meet folks and learn.  My child is likely to get rolling soon, too, as school has been in a month and he is signing up for activities.  I guess it is just the way it is. 

I told him I need a night away, a B & B, something where we don't have to get up and do anything if we don't want.  He acknowledged it but when?  Patience.....

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #356 on: September 07, 2017, 11:10:14 AM »
<3 tybec!


You bring up an interesting point about in-laws. I was just going through photos for a Facebook Throwback Thursday post and have been tempted a few times to post one of LH but can't bring myself to do it. I have minimal contact with his family, primarily two cousins who count me as family, and occasionally but less frequently, his daughter. I struggle with being the one who feels like I am ghosting even though the others don't really reach out to me much. I have a bunch of hard-copy photos in my garage that I am thinking of sending in one giant bundle to the one cousin so she can share them with those who want them during the holidays. I don't know. Wish this part of moving forward wasn't so weird and difficult, which I think it is because I'd like to manage other people's reactions ... if I could make it so they were okay with my life ... and we know how impossible that is sometimes ... Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

marriedwithkids77

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #357 on: September 08, 2017, 03:17:25 PM »
Thanks for sharing!

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #358 on: September 12, 2017, 11:12:01 AM »
Everything is going very well with NG.  Hard to believe it has only been 9 weeks since we have met, I feel like we have known each other for a very long time.  Everything I wanted in a partner is in this man.  Feels great but then there is that part in your brain just waiting for some kind of deal breaker to happen.  (weird how our brains work).

I have met his Mom and his kids.  Told my kids a week ago.  Youngest took it not so bad, oldest not so well.  Last night NG came over to my house met my youngest my oldest avoided us.  Just letting my kids adapt to all of this. 

Need everyone's opinion on one thing which I find kind of interesting.  After my husband's passing, I really had a hard time excepting that I have to do everything on my own. I remember being so angry that friends/family weren't giving me support.  Sometime during this journey, I guess I have just accepted I have to do everything on my own. Now letting someone help feels good and very strange to me at the same time.  Anyone else having the same problem? 

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #359 on: September 12, 2017, 05:13:31 PM »
When I was first started dating fiancĂ©, well maybe for almost 2 years into dating him, I found it very hard to ask for or accept help from him.  Like you, after being frustrated with the lack of help I had after DH died I had resigned myself that I was on my own and had to do it all.  Asking for help made me feel weak and vulnerable.  What if he left me and I was on my own again?  Thankfully I got over it and am so happy for the help, wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept it.
You will forever be my always.