Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 22979 times)

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #360 on: September 12, 2017, 07:09:00 PM »
i definitely have an"I can do it myself" attitude and have a hard time accepting help.

Even at the beginning of this journey I didn't want help. My grief would have felt worse if I felt I needed help. I wouldn't even let anybody drive me and my kids to the funeral. Somehow I needed to be self sufficient. It helped me.

I've done all the maintenance on the house and brought my kids through the end of highschool and on to University. I'm used to it and there's a certain pride associated with it.

My worst stumbling block has been car maintenance so that is where my NG has succeeded in helping me. And I admit it feels good. Maybe I'll figure out how to accept other forms of help.

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #361 on: September 12, 2017, 11:11:25 PM »
Glad things are good for you and great question, Trying (and thank you, klim!). I guess I've always been one of those 'I will do it myself' sort of people, particularly after the whole first marriage. An abusive spouse teaches resilience, at least in my case. However, as an only child whose parents did not coddle, I guess I was resilient before him. Anyway, my second husband was ill and as a caregiver, I did most everything, particularly that last year. Before that and when he retired due to his health, much of the 'heavy lifting' went to me. We didn't have help from family before then so I didn't expect it after. I am thankful that not many of his folks have been in the picture (my family is small and have never been close to me, beyond my mother) since now that I am moving on with NG, I don't want to hear anything about how I am living my life.

As far as asking NG for help, I don't do it often. I ask his opinions or I announce I am going to do something and he will provide feedback. He sneaks in the offer sometimes though. I am not at home right now as I have an on-ground teaching assignment this week. He was so sweet this past weekend; he actually asked me for help with something and when we talked it out, he asked me when I was leaving. I told him and he asked if he was going to see me before I left (thank God we were on the phone because I am sure I was grinning like an idiot). I went over and we had dinner and watched TV for a while before I needed to go so I could rest up before leaving. He asked me what time I was leaving and if I had someone to take me to the airport (when I went in the spring, I asked him to take me and he did); I told him I was driving this time and when I was leaving. He gave advice about where to be careful of speed traps and such. Well, the next morning when I got up and was packing the car, I see he sent me a text, telling me to have a good time and to text when I got there.  :-*

I think he knows I like to do things on my own, as he does, so I think it's a good balance  :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #362 on: September 17, 2017, 02:02:39 PM »
Hello all: hoping you all and your NGs and families are well. My drive to my teaching assignment (all ~650 miles round trip of it) was quite cathartic. It's the farthest I've driven by myself in a long time and the last time I went that way, my LH and son were with me and I was a passenger. To traverse those roads, to see the places we stopped along the way, to realize I can do this life on my own in all ways with God's help and leading, was wonderful. I sang along to satellite radio all the way there and back, and laughed at how filthy my car is as it sits in my driveway. I texted NG to let him know I'd made it back but saw that he'd worked a killer week (50 hours plus another 25 hours of driving), so I haven't heard from him. I have been fighting the urge to text today and have determined that I won't.

Pray for me because I want to see him, but don't want to be the one to act like I have nothing better to do here than ask :-[ I have plenty of work on deck, so that certainly isn't the case. But I would leave a bit more until tomorrow if the opportunity came to spend time with him :-\ ???
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #363 on: September 17, 2017, 09:52:01 PM »
Oh i wouldn't hold back on texting...let you're feelings be known. You've been going out with him long enough you shouldn't have to pretend or play coy. If he's too beat to respond it's understandable but I see no problem just putting your' thoughts out there.




arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #364 on: September 18, 2017, 09:30:28 AM »
Thanks, klim. I think I struggle with the same thing many here have mentioned and that is being the one to make the suggestions. I want things to stay fresh, not drop into a too-familiar pattern, you know? I felt like I had done enough for a minute  :D So here's what ended up happening: I went on with my day's work and heard my Facebook Messenger go off. I looked and it was him -- he's never hit me up on IM but always texts. I open it and in the message he's let me know his phone is down. I message back and ask him what he's up to. He says something like, 'Not much, just some laundry.' So I get it, but I'm not going to make it too simple: I reply with something like, 'So, whatcha cooking? Since I was gone for a week, haven't thawed anything.' He comes back and says he hadn't thawed anything either but he'd look. He then says 'I'm thawing steaks -- come on over!!' He's a great cook so I was thrilled that he was on the stove instead of me for a change. We ate, talked, and watched movies until about 8:30/9, which is time for both of us to go to bed to get ready for work. I asked what happened to his phone since he it was on and I heard his traffic alert -- he was using it on wifi because he had to wait until payday to pay the bill. As we are walking to my car, he asked me when I had gotten home; I say Friday and that I'd sent him a text. He says, 'Oh, well, I will get that text on this coming Friday!' and we laugh about it.

In the end, I would have frustrated myself if I'd texted and not gotten an answer a second time by Sunday, so it all worked out.

However, it's been a little while since we've had extended cuddle time. I get it -- I traveled, he had the job change and associated stressors. But know that when I sent a 'thank you' Facebook Messenger message last night after I got home, I hinted that if it hadn't been a work night I would have given a proper thank you  ;D ;D We'll see what sort of response I get the next time we talk or see each other.

Have a good week, all! As my dear friend says, let the junior high moments of dating continue!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #365 on: September 21, 2017, 09:36:33 PM »
I have mentioned in previous posts that BF is clingy.....When we are together I am  really happy, having a great time, no issues. The only issues arise when he has trouble saying goodbye/being apart.   Part of it is he is bad at communicating when we are apart. Really no texting at all sometimes. It's like it's all or nothing.
I'm trying to get him to communicate more, partly because I like it, and partly because I think if he's able to touch base when we're apart he won't be as clingy.
It's going pretty good this week,way more texts. :)

As an added bonus, he brought me a little necklace back from a 2 day business trip. It's been the first gesture of that type and I really appreciated that......I think because the lack of communiication had made me wonder how much he thought about me when we were apart...and now I know he was thinking of me while he was away.

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #366 on: September 21, 2017, 09:53:15 PM »
Yay, klim! I hear you about the no or little in between. With patience and persistence we will get there!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Widowed August 2013
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #367 on: September 28, 2017, 01:20:44 PM »
Hi All  Hope that everyone is doing well.  I'm back from a few weeks of vacation, it was a hectic departure as I evacuated with my elderly mother a few days before Irma, all is okay in our area and I'm very grateful.  While away, I got the chance to witness NG in action as he stayed at my house and took care of all hurricane preparations.  After the storm, he secured 2 fallen trees and cleaned up the aftermath. Swoon - if there was any question if he's a stand up guy, this affirmed that he is and it's pretty awesome.

To traverse those roads, to see the places we stopped along the way, to realize I can do this life on my own in all ways with God's help and leading, was wonderful.

^arneal  I love this, I have felt the same recently.  We can and are doing this life on our own, lately I've felt stronger than I have in awhile and I'm so grateful to be blessed with good health and a strong disposition to carry on.  Who knows what's coming, but for now I'm happy to be in a good place.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #368 on: September 28, 2017, 02:04:31 PM »
Glad all is well with you and yours, trying2. I've been under deadline for work and decided to do a debt consolidation to get these two broken vehicles off my property and largely off my monthly expenses. I also traveled for work. In the meantime, NG has been getting overtime at his new gig, which is good for him; he likes his co-workers and as a team lead feels validated for his skills, which are strong. I don't just say that because I like him :D but because as someone with tech skills herself, I see it. Anyway, we are finally on the books to have him meet my son this Sunday. I have been pondering the horrors of what this young man might say -- as I've mentioned he is on the autism spectrum but more importantly, he has no filter. If he meets someone I am friendly with, he assumes he is friendly with them too and will say anything. I am happy but nervous just the same. it will certainly mark a leveling up as far as I am concerned, that NG has been interested. I made the suggestion a couple months ago and we weren't able to make it happen then; he brought it up again first, which I appreciated, and when I asked if this weekend would work, he was all in.

Hoping everyone else is doing well and I will pop in to update you after Sunday. Know in the meantime, I have the playbook of conversations, responses, and scenarios running in my head!  :P :-[ ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 402
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #369 on: September 30, 2017, 07:30:30 AM »
Hope everything goes well on Sunday Arneal.  My NG’s sons are adopted the oldest has autism, and the youngest has fetal alcohol syndrome. NG was so when I met them because they can be a handful, but honestly, I just see kids, and we get along very well.  NG still hasn’t met my oldest but maybe on Sunday.

Thanks everyone for your responses on allowing someone to help you.  This is one quality I want in a partner, and I am trying to let it happen. I have been married twice before and never had a guy who wanted to help me more than Andy. He has opened up so much to me, and this is another quality I want so much. To have intimacy have a partner. I have opened up and shared things in my pass, and I have hinted at things in my life that wasn't very nice, but no I haven’t opened up everything.  Is this something I should do? 

Now for another question.  NG is separated and pays a hefty spousal support, a huge truck payment, and lawyer bills. Money is tight for him. He isn’t in debt (besides truck payment) and refuses to go into debt. He is very open about all this.  Me, on the other hand, I haven’t shared too much of my financial issues, but I do have a little more free cash than him.  There have been a few times where he has neglected to pay me back. It isn’t a huge amount, but it is there.  Next weekend we are going to his hunting camp. We have planned this for a while now. He mentioned a few times that this weekend is on him until yesterday he said things are tight, and he might have to dip into his savings for groceries on the weekend.  I so much want a relationship that communications well but I am having a very hard time on when to communicate. Do I bring up he said he would pay, stay quiet or just offer to pay for the food? I am 50 years old you would think I would be able to know how to answer this.


jgib

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #370 on: September 30, 2017, 09:22:17 AM »
I would have trouble in this situation as well, so I am gong to be no help!:(
Is he manipulating you because in the past you have fronted up and paid.  Why else would he mention he has to dip into his savings.....
Don't let feelings of resentment slip in, they can be tough on a relationship.  Just because you are more organized financially doesn't mean you should pay for everything.
I believe I would just ignore his comment and let him get the groceries.  He knew the weekend was coming up. 
Instead what he said, he just could have asked if you would mind picking up a few things as well, so it was a split for the food and drinks.
I hope it gets worked out smoothly for you.

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 709
    • The Starving Activist
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #371 on: September 30, 2017, 09:47:58 AM »
Thanks, Needy -- NG told me he once dated a woman who's son was on the spectrum so I am sure it will be okay. I made a comment when we first started talking about it that my son might just say or ask anything because he doesn't have a filter and NG just smiled and said he could ask anything. I was like, be careful what you ask for  :P

As an aside, there is a new show on TV called the Good Doctor; it's about a young doctor with autism. I watched the first episode last night and part of it had me in tears. I posted about it on social media and someone I know got into all this stuff about how bad of a show it was because it's so not believable. She was stuck on the fact that if a person acted like the main character, they could cause the hospital to get sued (not quick in responses, etc etc). I lost it and commented about how I have enough reality and wasn't watching it for that but wanted to see how they portrayed a person with autism, that I don't usually watch major network TV but will support this for my son and others like him. She had admitted she doesn't have the expertise to comment on the autistic behaviors but went on about the lack of realism in other ways. I mentioned my background -- dealing with the abusive first husband, my son's dad, and how the one speech the guy in the show made had me crying. No more responses from her. I mention it because you said something about how much to share, Needy. Different context I know, but there are times when it can't be helped ...

Specifically to your point, you asked about how much to share. I have used that phrase, that things weren't very nice, when I talk to my mom -- she knew about the first husband to a certain extent, more because she got a vibe from him, but I have never told her much because I didn't want to hurt her. Anyway, NG was very VERY open from the first telephone conversation we had. I think it's because he just wanted it all out there, accept me as I am or don't bother with me sort of thing. I figured if he can put it out there, so can I. However, the really bad parts I didn't share until we were well into our situation and he had shared something about his last marriage. I think I told the story somewhere on here about how he asked me to sit down at my kitchen table because he had something to tell me. He described this situation that had happened between him and his ex. They were just separated at that point -- he had told me that from the beginning and made it clear that he was getting divorced; even shared that he had messed up at one point because some paperwork came and he wasn't aware of the deadline to get it back in ... sent it a bit late but the divorce went through without any issues. Anyway, he told me of the incident and said he just wanted me to know in case things got ugly during the divorce, just so I would know his side of the story. He was shaking, so nervous to tell me. That night, I told him of the really bad things that had happened in the first marriage. We've shared some other things along the way as well so it's been quite open on that front. Like you, Needy, I have been married twice (widowed twice as well) and he describes himself as being married and divorced twice, even though there was no official marriage between him and his kids' mom.

I was smiling a bit as you describe the financial thing. So I am less of a 'saver' than NG is at this point I think. My second marriage was to a musician and despite our best efforts, we always lived on the edge financially, especially after he got really sick and couldn't play anymore. Thank God for retirement because he was able to get social security early. However that went away after he died of course and everything is on me. I work at three different universities as I do not have a single full-time gig. I just did a debt consolidation to get two broken vehicles off my property, so the bad credit I have is about to get worse for a minute. I am not concerned as I do already have a mortgage with a locked in rate and have a working vehicle as well, so there it is. Praying nothing goes terribly wrong in the next three years or so while I work this program! Anyway, a few months ago, NG ran into an issue with work. The guy he worked with was keeping all the work for himself so there were weeks when NG had no work (and no pay). He was short a little to pay some bills, so I lent it to him. Time went on and he didn't mention it. I had to travel a couple weeks ago for work and thought about asking for it back, but something just didn't feel right, so I didn't. The day before I was due to leave, he called me (very rare because usually we text about plans). He was in a panic about the rent and asked if I could help, even though he already owed me, because they were going to get kicked out; he lives with his youngest daughter (early 20s) and she hadn't given him the notice (needless to say, I wanted to say something about that, but didn't). He had started a new job, but with the way they hold back a week and them not paying except every two weeks, the timing was crazy. I told him I would see what I could do. In the end, I was able to help but I would be traveling and needed a way to get the money to him. Without hesitation, he gave me his bank information -- we use the same bank, just different branches -- so I could do a transfer. I have copies of his driver's license and social security card from when he was doing a job application last year; when he got this new job, he couldn't find his social security card and texted me from the office to see if I still had a copy. I did and sent him the picture of it. A week ago or so, he made a comment about owing me, so I know it's on his mind.

Before all this bumpy road, we never talked money much unless it was about us going somewhere. If it was an in-between week for me, I would say I was willing to cook at home because my pockets were kind of thin. He would do the same. We have a joke about it, actually. There have been times when we've gone out even when we were both sort of on the low side and he'd pay for dinner and say 'you got that?' if we were going to the movies too, meaning was I able to pay for the movie tickets.

I often think about the scripture that basically suggests that if you can't give, don't lend. I remember when I was going through something last year and couldn't get some medical tests done because I don't have traditional insurance. He asked how much it was going to cost and I told him I didn't know because if they found something I wouldn't be able to pay for it anyway. I think he was going to offer, but I wasn't trying to go there because of the potential future costs. I believe if I was in a situation, he would help me, but -- and back to the asking for help thing -- I try not to. I have been quite independent and want to be more so. I am trying to get into a better financial state because if this relationship does go forward and say we were to get to a point of talking about sharing space, I want to be clear that I can hold my own better than I do now.

It's not easy, Needy. I'm spitting at 50 as well and like my play-little brother says, dating is so junior high. Bottom line, I don't often offer to pay for stuff when we are out ... it just happens organically. NG is clear to say when he doesn't have any extra cash at the moment to go out and I do the same. Either he or I will cook at home in those cases. If you all are going somewhere, if I were you, I'd have some money tucked in my pocket and see what happens. If your NG says he can't, decide whether it's worth going or whether it's just easier for you to get the food. You've known his financial situation and it's up to you how you feel about it. If you all need to talk, do it soon. The 'experts' say that money is one of the main reasons relationships get weird or end. Is your connection to him worth it? Only you know.

{{{hugs!}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

  • Member
  • Posts: 304
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #372 on: September 30, 2017, 10:17:51 AM »
Oh, the money stuff.  HARD.  Yes, have read the stats on marital break ups over money management.  New territory.

Quote
NG is separated and pays a hefty spousal support, a huge truck payment, and lawyer bills. Money is tight for him. He isn’t in debt (besides truck payment) and refuses to go into debt. He is very open about all this.  Me, on the other hand, I haven’t shared too much of my financial issues, but I do have a little more free cash than him.

This is me.  I am not rich, either, but have some financial luxuries others do not, TEMPORARILY.  I live on SSI for now, work part time, to take care of my dying mother and my now teen son.  It is temporary.  I don't spend big.  The money issues are tough to maneuver. 

I went on vacation with a family a couple years out.  We didn't decide how to pay for things, and the dad kept paying for stuff for all 6 of us.  I was uncomfortable and then paid for all of us at other things.  I needed to just say, "Let's go dutch."  Well, I like that with NG when he has his sons and I have mine.   Just last weekend, we went to the movies together and he text he ordered the tickets and paid for them on line.  OK.  I planned to pay him our part.  We go out to eat prior, and he says when we go to pay, "Since I paid for the movies, how about you pay dinner.  We are here in the relationship, right?"  I wasn't prepared, and I said I would go dutch.  It was uncomfortable.  I paid him for the movie tickets, then.  But it was still awkward to me. 

He paid for my new washer and dryer as he has a credit card for that store and got $200 off due to his veterans status.  Well, I am paying him back for it in 3 months, though he got 6 months same as cash.  He teases me about owning it, me owing him.  It is funny sometimes, but then I told him I would write a check if that was a problem, so he knows he teased too far. I don't know the answer to all this.

My former house didn't sell.  They backed out of the contract last minute.  So, I have two homes right now.  I am a bit stressed. I am trying to not get upset about something I can't control.  I can survive it, I know, but it is a financial stress.

DH and I had nothing when we got married but our degrees, starting out,  and all we accumulated was together.  WE had one checking account for our whole marriage.  Blending stuff is difficult.  I will follow you all on this for information.
Not sure what I would do regarding lending him money. 

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #373 on: September 30, 2017, 10:25:21 AM »
With the money thing....I've had 2 post widow relationships.o   I am financial independant, work full time, own my house, can have nice  vacations as long as I stay in airbnb  instead of the Hilton.

First guy was not on solid financial ground although could hold his own on regular things. It was when we planned a vacation that I worried about putting him in debt if we went 50-50. We discussed it and he refused to have it any other way, said we'd tally everything and split it. I agreed. .....but I snuck a couple of expenses onto a different credit card so it didn't sow up in the tally. I felt good helping out and he wasn't hurt.

Second guy is more solid then me. He definitely has no problem dropping a fair amount of money on tickets or outings. I on the other hand have gotten to this point by being frugal. I contribute to our dating expeditions but I choose the cheaper events to pay for because I wouldn't choose to go to a concert that cost $100 so that's on him. I would say we're 50-50 on who pays but I pay for cheaper things so 60-40 on cost
 We don't really talk about who's paying except when we vacationed and this time we did an honest 50-50.

It's funny I liked when I was able to help first guy and I like that I get treated nice by second guy. Personally if I was able to help with the hunting trip and wouldn't be stinging from it , I would do it even if he said it was on him. ( that is as long as he's willing to accept help)




Needytoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 402
Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #374 on: September 30, 2017, 12:01:31 PM »
Great responses everyone. 

I agree with you Arneal, I don't lend money and actually, expect to get it back.  What he owes me is under $100 so no I am not really worried about it and his handyman skills have saved me so much I really feel bad even complaining about it, but yet I have. I had one friend that took advantage of me financially and I am just a little worried that I might be doing it again.

NG is a heavy duty mechanic and makes good money but if he makes more his spousal support goes up. My salary bounces around from semester to semester and right now I am making extremely good money but putting in long hours for it. Andy wants to help me where ever he can, but until my sons accept him I have to turn him down on most of the chores he wants to do around the house.

I need to work on this sharing and communication thing. You are so right Arneal, dating is so junior high.