Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 20320 times)

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #390 on: October 12, 2017, 12:59:45 PM »
arneal - just a few words of advice from someone who hasn't been a great communicator (and I can be quite passive aggressive about it - i.e. if he doesn't respond to my text for a long time, I can act like a big baby and not respond to his for a period of time).

Its so difficult trying to understand what a person is thinking, especially in the earlier dating phases. The Sunday thing would have honestly bothered me - but on NG's end, maybe he just had stuff going on. But the lack of response would have left me wondering too (although I gather from your subsequent posts that he ultimately resurfaced).

But saying nothing if its bothering you will only fester and compound - and those feelings wont go away so having a gentle conversation with him (or being more proactive if you want to see him) is a good idea...just so he understands where you are coming from. Maybe he has no clue how his actions are bothering you ? I too also used be very self conscious about my son (as I was dating when he was a young baby and sometimes he would just lose it in front of the guy I was dating...and this guy I was dating wasn't great with kids).

One thing I learned from my ex BF was that I needed to be more proactive in communicating what I wanted and who I was to him - I expected him to read my signals and that's not fair...and I can understand in hindsight some of the reasons he got frustrated with me along the way. I think, too, its all about the way it is communicated. I would let things fester and then it would just come out (and not in a particularly nice way).

In my world now, for example, the guy I am dating used to just go silent on me for hours and hours when he had his son (divorce with limited custody) - but expect me to drop everything to talk to him when he was free. So I sat him down and explained in a nice way that is lack of communication during these period upset me - and this was a double standard...(see I'm getting better !). The end result - he definitely made some changes and acknowledged it. (He had no idea that he was doing that to me). Wishing you all the best in this Chapter 2 - this isn't easy territory.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #391 on: October 12, 2017, 03:27:40 PM »
Your post made me smile Needy, about your NG not remembering what he said. Mine does that too sometimes ... he'll tell me something and then several weeks later (sometimes longer if it's a memory trigger moment) will tell me again. Sometimes he'll ask as he starts whether he told me the story before and if so, I'll say yes. Sometimes I don't remember until he's into it a bit and then I say something like, 'Oh, yeah! I remember this' and either leave it at that or recount a part of the story. There are also times when he's into whatever it is and I've heard the story before that I'll just let him tell it. Other times I'll tell him that I remember it. I try not to repeat stories so I don't know if he remembers what I say or not, but if he does and I've repeated, he keeps it to himself. That, or he doesn't remember. Or he likes my stories; I do write fiction for fun after all LOL.

But seriously, I wonder if sometimes for those of us who have been by ourselves for any amount of time or just on our own even in relationship if we tend to not talk generally. I think he's comfortable with minimal talk in between being face to face. I am too but when I want to be clear on plans, yet not pushy. Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #392 on: October 18, 2017, 03:07:41 PM »
I also let him retell the story.  It's when he says he is free, then isn't, then right back to being free that is sometimes challenging.  Unfortunately, some of this is out of his control.  His Mom is recently widowed and he helps her out.  Hard to get too upset about that. 

All in all our relationship is going extremely well.  Still waiting for my sons to be a little more accepting but who am I kidding I knew it was going to be like this. 

Still working on the communication thing. NG says I am opening up to him which is good, just really not sure if you have to share all the "nasty" stuff with a new partner. 

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #393 on: October 18, 2017, 03:22:10 PM »
Yes, the key there is 'new', needy. Plus, sharing I would say is a two-way street. If he is open to sharing ugly bits with you, hopefully he can stand to hear and be accepting of your ugly bits as well. NG was very open early on, even before we were intimate he shared deep things that I don't think I would have been willing to share early on. I then felt comfortable with sharing my own. Not graphically, but with enough detail to outline the difficulties and hurts.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #394 on: October 18, 2017, 08:51:49 PM »
For some reason, early in our relationship we were extremely open about our pasts and lots of ugly unflattering things.  I think we were both trying to scare the other off with the truth to avoid being hurt later on.  It didn't work, it ended up building trust instead.
You will forever be my always.

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #395 on: October 19, 2017, 05:35:38 AM »
Last night I opened up to more of the "ugly", NG cried with me. This is what I want a relationship where the other person knows almost everything, and slowly I am doing that.  I can't believe I have only known this guy for three months, feels like we have known each other for so much longer.

marriedwithkids77

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #396 on: October 19, 2017, 02:22:48 PM »
I love reading your histories  :)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #397 on: October 19, 2017, 05:14:07 PM »
Good for you, Needy! It is interesting how we grow and change. Over time, we come to learn more about ourselves and make changes about how we allow people into our inner circle. We figure out what we will and will not accept. This has become more apparent, maybe because it is Diwali and along with my Hindi and Nepali friends am more conscious of renewal and positivity this week. Or maybe I am just learning more about how to heal my own soul spaces. Either way, it is comforting to know that many of us are on the same journey ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #398 on: October 23, 2017, 09:40:00 AM »
Happy Monday everyone. How was the weekend?

tybec, your update on the limited time thread made me think about my weekend. I finally took my archery lesson on Saturday -- loved it and plan to take it up as a hobby. I do enough in the house and want to get out a bit :) There was a woman there (Lord help me, I can't remember her name!) who seemed anxious to have another adult woman to take lessons with; I hope to get back next Saturday, even thought I can't go the following Saturday as I've promised a neighbor-friend I would help her at a local event (she has a photo booth business and her daughter, who usually helps, raises companion dogs and it's time for check-ups so she can't go). I met another friend yesterday morning at service and after I came home just played around with the dogs and relaxed for a change.

Earlier in the week, NG had sent a text; he had been in a mood and wanted to apologize for being distant. I replied with a bit of encouragement and told him he knew where to find me. He surprised me with a bit of public banter with me, him, and one of my friends on social media, but beyond that, no communication through the rest of the week. I didn't reach out this weekend until last night to send a heart and wishes for a good week. This morning I see he sent a text when he got up to day he wishes I'd been able to come over (he can't come my way -- needs motorcycle tires, which for a Harley, ain't cheap!) and hopes I have a good week as well. I replied that I had been at home, writing and chilling out, figuring he had wanted some time to himself so I didn't hit him up. Said for him to let me know what the weekend ahead looks like.

My plan is to just press on and see what happens. I don't want to play games because I love being with him but I don't want to always be reaching.  :-[ Okay, short rant over. Back to work (and nursing the bruise on my arm from where I snapped it with the bow string -- ow! Lesson learned  :D)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #399 on: October 24, 2017, 11:58:57 AM »
I really want to try archery as well Arneal, but a little afraid of being injured as well.  Communication, that strange beast. 

My weekend was great, spent it with NG at his hunting camp.  He made me open up a little more regarding my past. It is different having a partner that really want to get to know you. I have gone most of my life with no one really being there for me so this is really different. I am having a few issues exposing that part of myself, I rather focus on the present.   

We are talking more about our future together. This feels good and strange to me. We talked about that there might be a time where his son with autism comes and lives with us. Right now I would love it if my kids would move out. I am tired of cleaning up after them and supporting them even though one of them works full time, but I am open to having his son live with us.  Can't figure out why at 50 would I even want to raise another kid.  But I do like kids, but don't necessarily like young adult males (speaking of my kids). His ex-left him for another guy doesn't work and told NG she is never going to marry him so he might be paying spousal support for a while. This woman can be very cruel to the kids, and I have an issue with this.  I might be talking like a feminist but hey woman get out there and work.  I have three jobs at the college (one part of me is on strike right now) because I had to support my family and we all know all the struggles other widows/widowers have gone through, the thought of this woman doing this really pisses me off. NG and his ex have a meeting with the lawyers next month to start their divorce agreement., I know none of this I have a control of.  Sorry for the vent.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #400 on: October 24, 2017, 03:06:51 PM »
I had archery on my list of things I wanted to do this year. I'd loved it in high school but never got back with it as an adult so here I am! I heard from a neighbor about someone local looking to get rid of their equipment but haven't gotten a reply from her. I really got my hopes up on that one but I guess it's the Creator's way of telling me to get my own and not settle for leftovers  :)

Yes, communication is so weird and difficult. I am glad to hear that you and your NG had a good weekend of it. I have been working on my scenarios as I am thinking it will soon be time to have a deeper conversation with NG. I would love to get back east to see my mom and was thinking of asking him if he wanted to come. He has a sister back there but of late they have been distant. We'll see. It must be the season for better communication and connection; my cousin and her NG (not exactly new -- they have known each other for some time and he expressed interest in pursuing more than friendship long ago) just 'announced' that they are a couple. It's funny because when NG and I met, we both had on our profiles that we were looking for either friendship or long term relationship. We had a brief discussion of it back then but since, we haven't talked about it. We've just lived in the moment. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there are times, like now, that I am feeling like more needs to be said. I am planning to not be the one to ask for time this weekend. I will prayerfully go back to archery and see where the day goes. I might send a 'whatcha doing?' text if I don't hear anything. He's a better hermit than I am!

Don't even get me started on spouses that don't work and all that. LH had one of those who felt she should be taken care of and just stay home to raise kids like her mom did (different generation, different lifestyle, different economy). She works now because they broke up and their daughter is too old to receive any sort of support anymore. She'd had him locked up when he was unable to work back in like 1999, which was when his heart condition started. Just wrong. I work for three different universities so I know what you mean! NG met my son who is on the spectrum and I've met his daughter and her boyfriend. I am wondering if we'll do Thanksgiving together; he already said what they are cooking and I've decided what I'd like to make so on that one, I am going to ask if I can join in. No assumptions, you know.

Deep breaths ... hoping for good updates for us all!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #401 on: October 26, 2017, 08:00:38 PM »
Hey everyone and happy almost-weekend! I popped in to confess that I borrowed trying2breathe's idea ;D That's the sincerest form of flattery, right?

So I loved the idea of gifting a massage, especially a couple's massage, but after reading trying2's post about giving her NG a massage just for him for part of his birthday, I reconsidered. My NG commented today that he got some accolades at work and has been doing very well. We had this thing going last year about who would get the best gifts and prizes from the other (and he definitely won with the indigenous jewelry he got for me during his work trip and the other pieces he got me for Christmas), so I texted him and said in celebration of all the good stuff, maybe he'd let me get him a pro massage sometime next month (usually his massages come from me and I do all right but I'm no pro). As much as I'd like to do the couple's thing, I have to agree trying2 -- giving something just for him will mean so much more. And give me an excuse to go get my own massage  :D :D

I am already scheduled for my next archery lesson on Saturday. Even though I can't yet afford to get my own equipment, I am going to ask prices when I get there. Hoping by mid-November to do so! Make it a good one, everybody!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #402 on: October 30, 2017, 02:35:24 PM »
Archery sounds awesome - good for you ! Won't it be nice when we can all get that "level"/"place" in our new relationships that we can just plan holidays together (like Thanksgiving) and not wonder if we are going to spend them alone ? Chapter 2 = fun but not easy...

My son and I were supposed to have company for Halloween (i.e. NG joining us) - I HATE going to the town parade alone - and we were ultimately pushed aside as my NG's ex agreed to let him come trick or treating on her night with their son. Sigh....


arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #403 on: October 30, 2017, 08:18:08 PM »
Thanks, Captains wife: archery has become a great outlet for sure. So sorry about your Halloween :(

I think I've figured out part of the deal with NG -- he iis such a home body. I sent a text to ask him how he was doing and if he wanted to meet up and he told me he he wanted very much to see me but was fighting a cold. I took him some soup, some Halloween candy (a bag of miniature bars), and my shaker to mix him a good tonic to knock out the cold. We watched some tv, talked, and snuggled. A good evening. I texted when I got home and he thanked me for taking care of him :) I won't be a pest but get it that I will have to be the one to nudge a bit. He mentioned he's got quite a bit of overtime coming but it sounds like we are going to do Thanksgiving. I will probably ask next week what the specific plan is; he was irritated that his daughter hadn't been cleaning the kitchen, so we'll see if my kitchen is on again this year like it was last year. I've already got a plan to be away between Christmas and New Year's to go and see my mom, so there's that. I mentioned it on Saturday but didn't get too deep. Time ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #404 on: November 01, 2017, 01:04:35 PM »
Hope everyone had a safe Halloween! I just got back from raiding the sale rack at the market for a bag of marked down candy corn and some butter cookies shaped like ghosts, bats, and pumpkins  :D

So I had a jealousy moment and had to put myself in check. LH's cousin is like a sister to me; she has been widowed multiple times as well and we are about the same age. We talk often and she recently told me about a friend of hers who had expressed interest in becoming more. She's known him for a while and as she talked, I figured it was becoming more than friendship for her too. Sure enough, a few days after our conversation, she texted me to say that he was going to a family function with her and then later that night, she texted me photos of the two of them, saying they were officially a couple. I am very happy for her since I worried a lot about her after her daughter moved out (the daughter and her husband and their baby lived at my cousin's place for a while but then moved out) because she works a crazy shift and I was always concerned about her coming in at late hours by herself.

Then in a conversation with my mom (not the first one), she again asked me to send her a photo of me and NG. We haven't taken any photos together and I still feel weird suggesting it. That request, combined with my cousin's news, flared up the jealous thing. The reality of the matter is my cousin has known this man for years and he has expressed his desire to be closer to her for several of those years. He's already said his plan is to marry her. But all that has developed over an extended period. I completely understand it. But it doesn't make the want to be closer to my NG any less ... I got over it, but ugh. Okay, confession over.  :o
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b