Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 20935 times)

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #405 on: November 01, 2017, 04:42:35 PM »
Halloween goodies, yum!  Spent Halloween evening out at dinner, my neighborhood sadly has no trick or treaters and I realize that I miss being at the door giving out candy.  Might plant myself at my brother's house next year, where they host a cul-de-sac party, get dressed up and make a big event of it.

arneal  Re. cousin's relationship - this makes you realize what you want and things aren't moving quickly enough for you.  Is NG the right one for you?  All in good time, I guess - it's taken a long time for my relationship to get to a comfortable place, and yet still to me we're not quite there yet.  Would it feel comfortable getting a photo of you with NG? If it's important to you, go for it!
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #406 on: November 01, 2017, 05:50:10 PM »
It's so funny, trying: I have never been a fast mover. In my heart, I know we are a 'thing'. I've never been hung up on labels and I think the difference is that I lived with my previous two husbands for a good while before we got married. We also saw each other every day, so things kindled more quickly. Like I said, it's not that my cousin just found this relationship -- her and her NG probably have known each other for 15-20 years or so; her LH and her were friends for about the same amount of time before settling into a relationship. NG's texts to say he wishes I was there or that he really wants to see me say a lot because a few months ago I wouldn't have expected to see anything like that, so I know things are progressing. I have been thinking of maybe aiming for a photo op during the holidays, especially since my plan is to go see my mum -- I can throw it in as an excuse: she hears me talk about him and she wants to see him so let's take a photo together so she knows I haven't made him up  :P ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #407 on: November 01, 2017, 09:58:57 PM »
oh I'm a photo all the time person, so me with  a NG picture might happen by the third date...doesn't mean it's permanent or serious, it just means this is who I'm hanging out with at the moment.
Most of my pictures are intiated when we are out and about doing something different or going somewhere new. I just take them with my phone and it's usually ,"oh the sun on the lake looks so cool ,I think I get a shot of it....hey come here we can take a pic together"  Maybe you can do something like that and it will feel more casual...or just create the need and do as you said that you talk about him and people have asked to see a pic..
<a data-flickr-embed="true"  href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/76752159@N08/35633945020/in/dateposted-public/" title="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"><img src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35633945020_f20f4231a2.jpg" width="300" height="225" alt="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #408 on: November 02, 2017, 09:09:43 AM »
Funny -- I have avoided the camera most of my life. I did a boot camp at a local gym a few months after LH died and they insist on taking photos. Part of the deal was that we would post on social media so I was thrust into the spotlight lol! I take photos now but of me or my dogs doing what we do. Out of all the time I've known NG, he's taken maybe two photos of himself -- one with his granddaughter (and it might have been from before we met) and one of him and his buddy (that one I know is recent). The others are ones from some time ago, which also has made me hesitate. I did one time mention we should jump in the photo booth that was outside this movie theatre we went to but when we came out it was being used and neither of us wanted to wait around for it. If no opportunities pop up at the holidays naturally, I will most likely ask if we can take one so I can show my mom :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #409 on: November 02, 2017, 09:16:03 AM »
I hate pics of myself.  Always have.  And my son has picked up on it.  SO, I am taking a few selfies here and there, usually when I get my hair done.  I post, and I am sure it is strange for folks to see, but I am practicing liking a pic of me.  HEADSHOT.

NG had me and my son at the 4th of July party his father put on, and it was big family affair.  His dad hired a professional photographer.  NG asked me to if I would take a pic. I was not prepared.  I declined.  It is a prideful thing, a bad thing.  I am working on it. 

So, very brave of you Arneal to take the pics!  Especially boot camp.  I am going to hit the gym as a goal.  I keep telling myself to just do it.  I never thought I would have to worry about my fitness/weight, and life has a funny way of humbling you.  I will set a goal.


arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #410 on: November 02, 2017, 11:45:51 AM »
Same here, tybec -- as I've mentioned, I do quite a bit of reading on dating and how to be 'successful' at it. One of the things the so-called experts keep hammering home is that it is important we have our own lives beyond the desire to be with that special someone. We come across as needy if we're always sitting at home, doing nothing. People who know me know that I am an introvert; I could stay in the house every day, all day, and never go anywhere for weeks at a time. I am comfortable in my own space. However, after LH died, I looked at the scale, which wasn't much different than it had been all my life, but was sick of it. A friend of mine was a manager at a local fitness place and I saw her post on social media; in all I had been through I had no idea of her weight struggles. She looked fantastic so I asked her what she'd done. She invited me to an orientation and after hearing her story and the story of one of the trainers, I was in tears. I signed up immediately. I continued for a year after the six-week boot camp but can't afford it anymore. I have a membership to a different local gym but have not been going -- menopause is kicking my butt with aches and pains. However, stretching and balance are my daily exercises these days and the gym I belong to is building a location about two miles from me, so by the end of this year or beginning of next, I will be more regular again. I weigh about what I did nearly 30 years ago and that was after all sorts of drastic and unhealthy behaviors. Now, I tend to eat what I want and just try to live life as best I can.

Taking photos is something I started because of the gym but after reading the whole 'have a life' thing, I kept it up. Vain? Yep -- once NG and I connected on social media, I started posting photos of my goings-on more frequently. He sometimes comments or gives a thumbs up, but more often than not, he'll say something when we see each other. I hate taking my own photos but it's nice to get his attention from time to time; I have more chance of getting a 'like' on a photo than I do of getting a face to face compliment about an outfit  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #411 on: November 03, 2017, 07:08:52 AM »
Is there a book called "have a life"? 

I remember going through the photo books after my husband passed and noticing I had pictures of him, the kids and him with the kids but not so many pictures of myself.  I was always the one taking the pictures. At the time I didn't realize what a hidden life we had. It does bother me to think that my kids might think why isn't their pictures of Mom after I pass.  Now I try to have more pictures taken of myself, and it does feel a little weird.  Last year even had a professional photographer take pictures of the boys and I. Sadly I don't think there is one picture of all of us. 

I take a lot of pictures our NG and our adventures and a few selfies of us.  I see the importance of this now. Not sure why I was so clueless before.

I totally agree Arneal that we need our own lives.  My life before centered around my husband, kids, and work. I had no hobbies and really no friends.  When he passed and realizing that you had no one was hell. Then finding yourself and friends was a challenge but I am so thankful that I put the effort in. Now having NG in my life is pretty damn good but I know there will always be new challenges and I am pretty sure I can take it on.  I am also ready to ask for help and very thankful for all of you. 

TGIF!!  Off to NG's hunting camp tonight.  It is going down to -7C tonight and snow is in the forecast.  It is going to be great.  Have a great weekend everyone.

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #412 on: November 03, 2017, 09:36:13 AM »
Oh yes, have a life outside of the desire for that special someone - I've tried hard at this the past few years, mainly because for a long time there was no special someone.  Now that I have somebody, I try hard to keep volunteer activities, hobbies and friends going that doesn't include him.  Should we part, well - my stuff continues.  Makes life interesting too, there's usually plenty to talk about.

Every year LH gifted to extended family a calendar for the coming year of our family photographs, mostly of me and the kids. Every Xmas MIL brings up the calendar and how she misses it.  I sadly don't have it in me to keep it going, it just wouldn't be the same.  NG likes taking pics and I usually resist, maybe I should rethink this.  He's a newbie to social media and likes to post pics, so far I've been private with our relationship and don't want to put it out there.  He's ready to post "In a Relationship" and I'm not there yet.  If the pics are kept to ourselves I'm okay with that.
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nextchapter

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #413 on: November 03, 2017, 11:28:58 AM »
"Oh yes, have a life outside of the desire for that special someone - I've tried hard at this the past few years, mainly because for a long time there was no special someone.  Now that I have somebody, I try hard to keep volunteer activities, hobbies and friends going that doesn't include him.  Should we part, well - my stuff continues.  Makes life interesting too, there's usually plenty to talk about."

T2B, the above is so true. I do not post often, been meaning to interject this in other topics. Everyone should assess their situation with much internal self-reflection. Jot down 3 to 5 things that really make you happy and pursue those with all your passion. For me one of them was physical fitness (I realized I was always happier when I focused on fitness). I'm well into doing the things I did when I was younger now and have found by doing the things that I love, more people come into my life. All of this happens not because I am looking for someone but because I focus on what makes me happy.

2 of the 3 things focused on were not work related at all. Better fitness and more time in nature. As a result, I am most importantly less stressed and appreciate small things a lot more. Also I am told by people I look 20 years younger than I am, which I will definitely take.

My thoughts, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, but not in a selfish way. By doing so you will be happier and the people around you will be happier. You will be surprised how much your outlook changes when you focus on just trying to help people around you each day.

Your last line "makes life interesting and there is a lot to talk about." Pursue what makes you happy and volunteer on occasion (help people) and there will always be lots to talk about. The good that you do will come back to you 10-fold.

Decide what makes you happy and pursue it. EVERYTHING WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF!!



arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #414 on: November 03, 2017, 11:40:30 AM »
So well-said, nextchapter and glad you popped in! I have always had hobbies; it used to drive my LH a bit nutty because I could happily keep to myself for hours. However, when he did the same thing, it was different, right?  ::)  :D

I have a couple of photos of 'family' that include 1) me, LH, and my son or2)  me, LH, my son, and his daughter. One was #1 at a friends' wedding and another was #2 at our wedding. There are a few isolated ones of us at events like when we would travel back home and people would take a photo with the two of us. I always hid from the camera. I have one photo with my son's dad holding him; only his hands are visible in the photo. I didn't keep any others I don't think. There might be one in the little photo album but the rest got tossed. My son doesn't ask about his birth dad, doesn't even remember him because he was so young when he died. He was abusive so I am not inclined to tell him much. LH, my second husband, was the only dad my son knew anyway. He has a photo of him. I don't think he has any of me. Interesting to consider it now.

I wouldn't mind having 'in a relationship' on social media but in many ways I am not ready to broadcast it. NG still has 'divorced' on his, but he's not big on social media; it took him several months to switch from 'separated' to 'divorced' anyway and I remember he put out a message blocking his ex and asking those who knew her not to tag her on his posts and whatnot. Lots of pain there. He is slowly getting comfy with my social circle; he posts and responds to one of my sister-friends, which is nice to see, sharing in our jokes and such. I expect to ask about taking a photo before I go see my mom. I wonder if he'll want a copy of it?  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #415 on: November 06, 2017, 10:39:08 AM »
Happy Monday -- this whole clock changing thing gets me every time. I was so sleepy by about 6:30 last night but made myself stay up because my dogs have no idea what time it is and I'm trying to get them to adjust as well  :D

I don't know if you heard about the school shooting back in April at Northpark Elementary, where the man came to the school and shot his wife and several others? The wife, a teacher, and one of her students died that day. The school is not far from my house and one of my friends was invited to bring her photo booth to their fall festival on Saturday; they wanted to do something nice and positive for the community after the tragedy. It was a beautiful day -- pony rides, food trucks, face painting, music. My friend didn't have help and so she had asked me several weeks ago to come with her. It was a great day and it felt good to be part of something positive in our community.

I was pooped when I got in and was going to take a shower and just veg out on the couch but by the time I settled my dogs and took off my shoes, I saw NG had texted me to ask what I was doing. I had no plans, told him I'd just gotten in and needed to clean up, was willing to come that way but later. He surprised me and said he needed to ride even though the bike tires are not 100%. It was a good Saturday evening; I still got to sit around and watch tv so it was relaxing. Yesterday morning, we get up and it was raining so you know I felt horrible -- little worse than riding a motorcycle on Southern California highways during a rain! I cooked breakfast and we sat around and talked for a bit until the rain let up and he took off. I told him to text me to let me know he got there okay, which he did.

Thanksgiving is settled, interestingly. He had gone into the kitchen to get something to drink and I was in the family room; he asks me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving, am I coming to his place. Just like that. I told him what I was thinking of making and it was settled  :) I said again about going to see my mum around Christmas and he said he wanted to visit his sister, who lives in the northeast as well. I said he should come, but he said he probably wouldn't have that whole week off between Christmas and New Year's as the new guy on the job and would probably be expected to be on call. I left it at that but put it out there. I am hoping to get him in at my friend's massage place next weekend. Might try to drop him off, go to my archery class, and come back since I asked her if he could get a two-hour spot. We'll see  ;D

How was everyone's weekend?
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #416 on: November 06, 2017, 12:22:48 PM »
Everyone should assess their situation with much internal self-reflection. Jot down 3 to 5 things that really make you happy and pursue those with all your passion. For me one of them was physical fitness (I realized I was always happier when I focused on fitness). I'm well into doing the things I did when I was younger now and have found by doing the things that I love, more people come into my life. All of this happens not because I am looking for someone but because I focus on what makes me happy.

2 of the 3 things focused on were not work related at all. Better fitness and more time in nature. As a result, I am most importantly less stressed and appreciate small things a lot more. Also I am told by people I look 20 years younger than I am, which I will definitely take.

My thoughts, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, but not in a selfish way. By doing so you will be happier and the people around you will be happier. You will be surprised how much your outlook changes when you focus on just trying to help people around you each day.

^^ Agree with this wholeheartedly, next chapter.  I've always been a list maker, and looking back at my grief journal from four years ago as I was trying to get some semblance of a life back together, found 3 things I planned to dedicate myself to.  I'm amazed that I now am doing 2 of those 3 things and am trying to get the 3rd one going.  Volunteering to a cause greater than myself has been the biggest thing that has moved me along in the grief process.  It's been a long journey to get to a place of acceptance in DH's death, finding fulfillment in what I do was a big step in moving forward.  It's taken the death of my spouse to bring clarity and life into more focus, I'll always miss DH but can now say that I'm happier with myself than before.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #417 on: November 08, 2017, 10:41:23 AM »
Happy Wednesday everyone. 

I love my new relationship with NG. He is practically everything I ever wanted. If I could, I would spend every minute with him. Of course, I know this isn’t rational, after all, we all have careers and our own families.  With DH I really could have been a better communicator I see that.  There were some “toxic” things in our marriage, and I sure don’t want ever to go down that path again. 

 I have mentioned previous posts NG is going through a divorce and money is tight.  I was footing the bill on things more than he was but now he is making sure we spend things 50/50.  His EX is causing some issues with child custody, and he has been ranting a bit about it.  I am being supportive and listen to him.  This woman got everything she wanted and then more. I was the submissive wife who went 25 years and had a husband that never even bought her jewelry or rarely anything else.  I went twenty years without a Christmas gift, so my kids could have Christmas.   How do I share this with NG?  In a few weeks, it is my birthday. Last year was my 50th birthday, and I celebrated.  Went and saw Adele and had my first birthday cake in 20 years.  It felt great!! He brought up if he had to buy me a present.  I felt so awkward with this and said no I rather spend time with him, but my heart did sink a wee bit.  We then talked about Christmas I suggested instead of Christmas gifts we plan on going away for a few days during the Christmas break and we haven’t talked about since then. 

Last night we talked, and he asked if there was anything I needed him to do for me.  I have some plumbing issues at my house, but for some reason, I keep putting off calling a plumber, I know he is good at plumbing, but I just can’t ask him to do it.  I think I am just afraid of him saying no, that I can’t even ask the question.  I have read that you should be asking your partner for help but damn it I am having a hard time with it. 

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #418 on: November 08, 2017, 11:29:42 AM »
Asking is difficult, isn't it, Needy? How about making it a joint project? If he is handy, maybe you can suggest he teach you how to do a bit of fixing? Working together might be fun; it could also give him the chance to teach you something as well :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #419 on: November 08, 2017, 12:08:00 PM »
Needy  It sounds like NG wants to help you out but doesn't know what's needed.  I like arneal's suggestion of a joint project - let him know what the plumbing problems are and ask him to teach you  :)  win/win, you get time together and learn something new, he gets to help you out.

I'm sad to hear that you felt neglected in your marriage.  My DH was generous in gifts but less giving with his emotions, and I'm finding that emotional intimacy is what makes me happy right now.  My birthday is tomorrow, and I let NG know that I really don't want anything other than to spend time together.  I suspect that he'll do something more but I will be happy with dinner out and time with him.  It's so hard to communicate feelings, isn't it?  I think intimacy and closeness is built over a period of time, for me it takes awhile to talk about the deeper stuff.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?