Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

For those in budding relationships ...

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serpico:

--- Quote from: Mrs Reader on November 10, 2017, 03:15:08 PM ---My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws?
--- End quote ---

In a nutshell, and not in reference to your situation specifically, this is it. And then when their 'flaws' are noted on a board like this they are immediately picked apart as 'red flags'.

I sometimes wonder if a dating widower listed all of their deceased spouse's faults on a dating and instead attributed them to a fictional new interest, how many would be cited as non-negotiable reasons to end things...

tybec:

--- Quote ---He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly.
My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn't the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?
--- End quote ---

OH MY!  You nailed  so many of my thoughts/feelings!  I am so glad I am not the only one.  It is so emotional.  I feel so moody and out of sorts about NG, having these kind of thoughts.  And he dated a lot and seems to get my back and forth thoughts.  But it is tiresome to him some, too.  I feel ridiculous at times, like  a teenager with all these thoughts, over thinking.  I want to KNOW it will work, which is all about my need for control, and I can't have it.  My self analysis anyway.

arneal:
tybec and Mrs Reader -- you bring up an interesting point here about comparisons. I think it may be natural to refer to what we know, which is not necessarily a bad thing. How can we know what we will or will not accept without having something to relate an experience to? However, the problem comes when we cannot find a place of compromise. We all have faults, defects, shortcomings, so do we expect our NGs to be some form of perfect while we are who we are?

The thing about 'knowing' is interesting as well. I've read several newsletters (one just yesterday) about how to know if this guy is 'the one' ... interestingly, the last point on the list was 'you just know'. Thanks -- that really helps  ::) The point that all the articles make about it is, a person is 'the one' when you all have the conversation and declare yourselves a couple. Until that point, you aren't a couple. Period. Yet even with a decision to be a couple does not guarantee that he or she is 'the one'. That's not something anyone can tell, unless they have a crystal ball  ;)

tybec -- your comment about feeling like a teenager made me smile because my pretend little brother and I talk all the time about how dating is so junior high. So true.

arneal:
Happy Monday all -- hope everyone had a nice weekend? Warning -- Junior high moment ahead ...

I managed to get NG to my friend for a two-hour massage. I had to laugh because he texted me early Saturday morning about when I'd be done with my things to figure out our time together. I had my volunteer at 8 am then off to the archery range at 10, so I was expecting to be home by 11:30; he said he'd get to my place by about 1-ish, which I took to mean between 1-1:30. However, he rode up at about 12:45. I was just finished tidying and was surprised that he was early  :o We sat around and chatted for a bit and then headed out. I had a meal already prepped so when we got back I finished cooking and he had two helpings, so I guess I did good  ;D We chatted yesterday morning and I texted him some info that I thought might be helpful (a tech thing I was familiar with) and he texted me back with a thanks and a kiss emoji. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Junior high indeed.

Mrs Reader:
Arneal, how nice... that sounds so cozy and easy  :)
I have started to wonder... maybe I am not ready to date after all. Every minor setback or misunderstanding with him sends me back to the deep end of grief. It is unfair to him, I realize that. I can`t expect things to be too smooth betweed two people trying to find out about each other. But I stupidly do!
Maybe I should take a timeout and try again in like hundred years, then I might be more balanced. Sigh.

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