Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 28260 times)

StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #480 on: December 14, 2017, 03:26:14 PM »
Tybec,

Here was my situation when I dated douchebag (sorry, the reference must stand).  He had kids not much younger than my own.  He was divorced and saw his kids, in my opinion, pretty regularly.  In the beginning, he was all hearts and flowers.  Wanted to see me all the time.  Take trips together, etc.  On one of those trips, he was really down.  When I asked him why, he replied he felt guilty for not spending more time with his kids.  I was like huh?  We'd only been gone for a long weekend.  But whatever I thought.  As our relationship progressed, he started sidelining me more and more.  The kids this, the kids that.  Now mind you, I had a child too.  Any little chance he had to see them, I was benched.  There was no blending our families.  No going with him and his kids to events.  None of that.  It was bullshit.  And I tried to be understanding, and supportive and blah blah blah.  And then finally I decided to call bullshit on it.  Because in my situation, it was bullshit.  I knew that if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me, he would and wouldn't take the chance on losing me.  We had gone back and forth in the past, and he was sure of me.  He just figured we'd get back together down the road.  When I was good and sick and tired of being an option instead of a priority, I called foul on the relationship, dumped him, and meant it.  Of course, he didn't think I meant it.  Until he texted me months later and I told him to not contact me anymore.  Well, wouldn't you know he contacted me again two days ago.  And that's because he knows he'll see me next week for a work related event.  He asked how I was doing and I said great.  He didn't  care how I was doing.  He was simply feeling me out so he'd know how I was going to act towards him next week when we had to see each other.  And guess what?  I'm going to hold my head up high, be cordial and conduct myself like a grown ass woman even tho I'd rather throat punch him. I finally get it!  And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #481 on: December 14, 2017, 06:02:57 PM »
StillWidowed,

Thank you for your post.  I laughed. My LH always said, "I am a GAM." And you said you were a "GAW".  Funny! 

I didn't think benched, but yes, that is how it feels. 

Quote
And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

And this ^^.   I KNOW this.  I know this from my husband.  I know this from other married couples.  I have another friend who has pointed out the same thing.  I just keep holding on, waiting. It has been almost 5 months I moved here.  I start a new job in Jan.   I think I need to have some ducks in a row and then make a final decision?  I know.  Pulling off the band aid fast may be best.  I just need to get a network of folks in this new town.  Unless something changes, we are past the infatuation and headed for the real deal, if it is going to be the real deal.  I wish when we were together it wasn't so good.  I will be making big decisions in the new year.   

And we have done lots together.  We have gone swimming many times, amusement parks, movies, hiking, caving, zip lining, rappelling, trampoline parks, concerts, and hung out together. I have seen his son in a play and in pine derby races.   I have met all his family in this state and been to his hometown and he has gone to my hometown.  He has met all my brothers, my mother before she passed.  He has attended weddings, church meals with me.  It is slowing down.  Changing.  Maybe that is the problem.  We are in the same town and really need to decide to keep going or not.  Ugghhh
« Last Edit: December 14, 2017, 06:09:40 PM by tybec »

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #482 on: December 14, 2017, 06:17:45 PM »
{{{hugs}}} tybec.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #483 on: December 14, 2017, 08:09:40 PM »
Ok I'm the opposite and very similar to what you are describing is wrong with your guys.....

And again this could relate to where we are in life....

I need time with my boys alone,without NG, and I encourage NG to take time with his kids. My boys need to be able to talk freely, something they will not do with NG around....and I suspect that would be true with his kids as well. I mentioned last week we had a night where everyone was together for an extended period of time. It was ok....and I'm trying to see if I can get used to it but seriously I would have rather had time with my boys and then time with NG.

Perhaps because they are older and don't depend on me for much, when they need me I want to be there for them. They are old enough that any partner I have, will not join me in co-parenting. I am their only parent. I would like NG to supoort me while I support them.That is what I hope for.

I will prioritize their needs over his.....although I try and balance it all but they lost their dad, they are young adults that are trying to figure out life and he is a grown adult who should be capable of realizing that my kids  are my priority.

"And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period".

If a man was prioritizing me over the needs of his children I would not be impressed. I do not need to be first and formost in everything. I need to be shown love but I'm also an independent person that doesn't constantly need attention.  I won't put up with being pushed aside completely but TYBEC  from all of your descriptions of what you do together and his offering to have you and your son join him on the weekend it doesn't sound like he is pushing you aside.

I'm not sure what my point is except I know I'm into my guy but he is not always #1....but I also I work hard at providing what he needs so that he feels loved. I've told him that's the way it's got to be and if he can't handle sharing me then it's not going to work....and so far we're still together.

Tybec I wish you clarity to see what's right for you. Nothing in these new relationships is straight forward.


StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #484 on: December 15, 2017, 09:40:03 AM »
I'm fiercely independent.  I'm not a whining, nagging woman that has to have his undivided attention 24/7.  What I am is a woman that deserves love, trust, care and respect in a relationship.  Has nothing to do with who he's spending more time with.  Has to do with the fact...is he making me a priority or an option?  And we KNOW when we're not being made to feel loved, nurtured, respected and secure.  If he's pulling away and has less and less time for you....it's not good.  Do things come up in life?  Absolutely.  But that's not what I'm talking about and I think we all know it.  We know when we have that nagging feeling that he just doesn't have both feet in the relationship.  And while I was patient and loving and gracious and forgiving, he simply took and took and gave back less and less and less.  Yes, we've been devastated by loss.  We've had our whole worlds turned upside down.  And yes, it takes time to heal.  And some of us might feel insecure and vulnerable and afraid.  But a REAL man will nurture those things, love those weaknesses and not exploit them.  He will make you feel loved and secure.  And while we'll make mistakes in this grief journey, we'll also learn from them.  We'll make better choices and realize that having a partner again isn't always the happily ever after.  Sometimes the happily ever after is healing, peace and joy in this new life and helping those that will come up behind us.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #485 on: December 15, 2017, 10:30:39 AM »
^^^^^^This. StillWidowed, well-said.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Forgottenwife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #486 on: December 15, 2017, 10:48:03 AM »
Oh, I see myself here, but I admit that I was on the other side. I made my kids the number one priority all the time. I am now living with my NG, but I look back when we were still living apart and I did some things that could easily be interpreted as me not prioritizing my NG.

I once changed a plane ticket to watch my kids' sports game, and I met my then boyfriend on vacation later. I would keep my phone with me ON DATES and dropped everything when my kids called. I could go on and on about this. Now, hearing from others how this feels, I see how my actions could be really hurtful to my partner. I am not trying to defend myself, just offering an explanation. My version was that my kids had been through so much, I needed to be there whenever they needed me. I wanted them to know I would always put them first. There's more of course... my husband (their Dad) killed himself while my son was on the field so I never missed a game, ever.

Self reflection is hard. My therapist was surprised that my NG tolerated my actions. I have no problem saying that I love my NG very much. He is kind and funny and I am quite happy in my new life. I would be sad to know he felt neglected or that I just didn't care about his feelings. I was trying to juggle it all - take care of my own heart, apply balm on my kids' trauma, fall in love with this amazing man, figure out finances, all the stuff life had given me. I see now how lucky I am that my guy stuck around. Just offering my perspective.

All that said? Trust your gut. You deserve to be adored.
 

StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #487 on: December 15, 2017, 01:48:19 PM »
Then let me say this.  I didn't get into a relationship until I COULD give the man priority and not constantly drop everything for my child.  I took time to grieve and heal.  I felt it was only fair to the person I was going to be with.  I tried dating too soon, realized I wasn't being fair to the other person, and decided to wait.  What I'm talking about is two people that come together, are ready for the responsibilities and commitment that a relationship requires, but then one of them decides they aren't as invested as they thought, but still wants the other person around as an option.  THAT kind of mind fuckery is what I'm talking about.  The kind that is selfish and only thinks of itself at the expense of the other person.  We make excuses in the beginning, or don't heed the red flags and wind up more and more emotionally invested.  All along, the other person is well aware of this, yet won't reciprocate the feelings and instead will throw crumbs when only a loaf is deserved.   
« Last Edit: December 15, 2017, 02:05:16 PM by StillWidowed »

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #488 on: December 19, 2017, 06:44:04 PM »
I will admit I didn't always put my husband first, it was the kids who I put all my energy in. My marriage was far from perfect, I see my mistakes. My kids are older and they need to find their own way.  I want to put NG first but also know it is very important to keep your friends for support.

NG promised his father on his death bed that he would take care of his Mother and he lives with her. She is one fantastic lady but I feel I am second sometimes.  I don't want us to live together right now because my kids are still not so great with the idea of an NG in my life but one day hell yes I want to live with this man.

NG's ex is denying access to his kids right now and I have been very supportive. Trips to the lawyers and family councilors etc. He faced the truth that he wasn't going to see his kids over Christmas and we made plans on going to visit my sister and go to some museums.  I was really looking forward to it. Today he got a call from Children's Aid and then a call from his lawyer.  She wants him to have the kids for all of the Christmas break.  Guess she found a new boyfriend and she wants some alone time. 

Our plans are finished. It is great he gets to see his kids, but I just can't stop feeling now I am coming in fourth.   

Another lonely Christmas for me.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #489 on: December 19, 2017, 06:57:54 PM »
Needy -- I am glad for your NG that he gets his children for Christmas but my heart aches for you. I will be traveling starting on Christmas day so I have invited myself to NG's house on Saturday and have bought some of the supplies he needs to make this dish he's been bragging about for a couple months. I didn't ask him to make it but bought the stuff, texted a photo of it, and asked if it was enough for the recipe and what time I needed to be there for him to cook ;D

It seems that some people have one-track minds. It isn't that they don't care about the other stuff going on or the people involved, but they are not capable of expending energy on more than one (potentially) emotionally involving thing at a time. Dealing with a crazy ex along with the desire to be with your children, coupled with a promise to care for a relative is a lot, especially around the holidays if your NG remembers the promise particularly at this time of year. He may not be able to contain all that along with wanting to make himself happy with you in the relationship. I hope that doesn't sound harsh?

Maybe you can do something special with him before actual Christmas day or make plans to do something together after. Remember -- it's actually just a day. We can give and show the love of the Creator of the Universe every day {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #490 on: December 19, 2017, 08:54:59 PM »
This time of year for me is bringing on complexities and emotions, lots of figuring out who spends time together, when and where.  It was complicated before being widowed, more so now with NG.  Needy - my heart aches for you too.  Sorry that you're feeling left out, hopefully you can find some time to spend together with NG to connect and sort out some of these emotions.

I look forward to Christmas, but honestly will be happy to have this over with and get back to some sense of normalcy. NG and I won't see each while family is here visiting - his kids and mine, my in-laws, and a slew of other visiting family.  I may not meet his daughters as planned, seems that they're curious but not yet ready to meet Dad's new love interest.  Ugghh - can't we just fast forward right on to New Years?!?!  ::)
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #491 on: December 19, 2017, 11:50:46 PM »
Needy and Trying2breathe,

Thanks for sharing although it is a hard situation you both are dealing with currently.  My posts have been about similar things.

My NG has not been to my house in 3 weeks.  He has his kids currently.  I went to a church service Sunday night called, "When Christmas Hurts."  It was helpful to hear about the holidays being so hard, and pretending and/or isolating being  our go-tos.  I know all this but I am the one dealing with it now. I start a new job Jan. 2.  I am going to some training as I can.  I am trying to think about NEW year, and new life.

Yes, the sharing of time is hard.  I don't have an answer.  Arneal, you hit it.  I think NG is unable to emotionally manage it all, his relationships with his sons, the court pending and then me.  I had been holding off on searching out new relationships, knowing the more I move away from us as a couple.....well the more I move away.  I think I will have to do so for my own sanity, emulating to my son, and growth.  And if our relationship continues, then it works.  I feel like the garden.  NG is cultivating his garden of his children and it is good.  But I am the flowers wilting from no attention/nurturing.  And if he can't learn to spread the care, I'll die out/not be there anymore.  I don't know any other way to state that.  It just is.

So, NG gives his kids over to his ex on Christmas Eve and then is available!  But I am hurt and lonely and feel like option C.  Not sure how all that will come together. 

I understand the complexities.  I am grieiving my mother's death from Nov.  so the holiday is just a time to get through, like you said T2B.

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #492 on: December 20, 2017, 08:43:02 AM »
ok reading through everybody's scenerios is making me feel like the complexities of this time of year that I am feeling are normal in our abnormal situations.

i thought I'd figured out what would work for me but I know it doesn't feel perfect for BF

Christmas eve BF and I have CHristmas....but I go home to sleep
Christmas morning I have time with my Boys( young men) alone..stockings.. presents
CHristmas dinner BF , sons and I head to my sisters for large family gathering.

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

Is that ok...opinions please?

« Last Edit: December 20, 2017, 09:50:31 AM by klim »

Portside

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #493 on: December 20, 2017, 09:26:36 AM »

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas eve/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

Is that ok...opinions please?

Klim, of course I don't know what is going on entirely but if I was your NG, I would want to be with you/your fam on Christmas morning.

My family is complicated. Kids scattered all over, strained relationships with a few sibs, my wife is very ill. But even with all that, I have a standing invitation for anyone that would be alone on Christmas eve/day to come. Two sailors and one Marine are here now - I didn't know them until yesterday. They leave tomorrow but I'm sure others will be here.

Yes, it's nice to have that family time, but for us, a shared family experience is to make others feel welcome during this season.

Just a thought - good luck and Merry Christmas!!

Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #494 on: December 20, 2017, 10:25:50 AM »
BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

Is that ok...opinions please?

I think that what is okay is what feels right for you.  The dynamics of a relationship and one where children are involved is complicated.  My NG might be alone as his daughters are opting to be with their stepmother at her new fancy high-rise apartment for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  This breaks my heart as NG paid for their airfare,  his house has been decorated in anticipation of their visit and he's planned Christmas dinner.  I'm upset over this but am choosing to not say anything to him  :-[  don't feel it's my place to get into the dynamics of this, especially where an ex is involved.  I've been one to invite those that are alone for Christmas, and I'm torn on whether to invite him to my house for Christmas as my in-laws will be here and they're uncomfortable with my new relationship. I think that it would be very awkward for all of us if were here, unfortunately.

Arggh - New Years can't get here soon enough!!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?