Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 28353 times)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #495 on: December 20, 2017, 11:30:42 AM »

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

Is that ok...opinions please?

klim -- it is good for you to have deep feelings about this. I love Portside's response about being open to the invitation. Maybe you can spend time with NG after you are with your children? Plan some time for just the two of you?

I have mixed feelings about the holidays. First marriage took my enjoyment of Christmas, decorating, and all that. I learned to appreciate the day for more than that, to celebrate it internally, spiritually, as a survivor of abuse. My son didn't seem to care about the decorating but was interested in the gifts (at almost 23, he is almost the same way lol). Second husband loved Christmas but tempered his desire to decorate for me. In later years together, I did start putting up a wreath on the door (put it on today, in fact). It's just me and my dogs in the house, so no tree or lights. NG moved earlier this year and thinks he forgot their tree; he seemed sad about it but more so that it will be, as he described, a 'light' Christmas. Not sure if he means as far as how much he has to spend on gifts or that his daughter and granddaughter won't be around. Like you, trying2, I am not asking. I will take a small gift (I am thinking a gift card) for his daughter though. As an only child, I don't think much about whether I will have anyone to spend holidays with. As LH got sicker, holidays were like any other day -- how well will he feel, will he want to eat if I cook, will the gift make him feel any better. I enjoyed exchanging gifts with NG last year and will enjoy whatever time I spend with him this year. More importantly, I will enjoy time with my mom when I travel. It will be nice to have some time to myself, without chores around the house or job duties to attend for a few days. I would love to spend more time with NG but he will only be off on Christmas day since where he works isn't closed between then and New Year's. It will be what it is and I plan to enjoy it. I pray for safe travels to and from. Beyond that, I'm not thinking too hard.

I pray that everyone, no matter how you spend it, has a wonderful holiday and look forward to your updates as you are able to pop in here. I will of course be traveling with one of my computers since I will have to check in and update attendance for my students and because I am quite deep in the online game NG got me into  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #496 on: December 21, 2017, 07:18:00 AM »
Thanks everyone for your comments, the "new" relationship thing definitely can be challenging and so rewarding all at the same time.  My feeling right now are hurt and it is hard to stay rational with all of this.

NG texted me late afternoon asking if I would like to go out for supper with him and his Mother.  I said yes but I had to do some things beforehand. I had to run to my local post office to pick up some parcels and do some other errands, just the drive time would be one hour.  After picking up my mail I opened up some Christmas cards, and of course, there had to be a card full of pictures of my DH.   The day before I was also hit with some emotional stuff with boyfriend and some other stuff so my "sensitive trigger part" was about to erupt.  I called NG told him I was about to drive back into town and he said well maybe we can just meet at the restaurant.  I took this as I am not waiting for you, so I said fine why don't you just enjoy your evening. He said let me talk to Mom and call you back.  Just those words ripped at my heart, put second again.  He called and said they would wait for me.  As I was driving into town I just cried and cried.   

We had supper and his Mom asked him to drive her to the library on Thursday, he said of course.  We were supposed to go to a potluck supper at one of my friend's tonight, guess he forgot.  Later I was helping him wrap his presents so I asked if he was coming to the potluck, he said no.  Then he asked what next adventure were we going to do together, I said let's wait on planning anything.  Afterall it sure seems anything we plan doesn't seem to work out.  We are both off work at noon on Friday and he wanted to do something in the afternoon I told him I was having my dishwasher fixed. Again something he said he would look at but never has.  (don't want to take advantage of him but when you say you are going to do something and time and time again don't I get the picture).  My snowblower doesn't work right now. NG is a heavy duty mechanic and keeps saying he will look at it, but hasn't.  There is a local shop that will repair it but I need a truck to get it there. NG has a truck but I just can't ask him to help me, I just can't take the constant refusal. So now I have to pay an extra fee for them to pick it up. 

Again, I am in a situation where I have no idea how to take things.  I know his ex-took advantage of him and still tries, I don't feel I ask enough of people in my life and have no clue what is right and what isn't. He is going through his own stuff right now and I do understand that but I am feeling so hurt right now.   

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #497 on: December 21, 2017, 11:00:26 AM »
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Needytoo. Question: does NG know that you are feeling sensitive right now? I mean, it is never easy to tell someone when we are vulnerable, but isn't that what relationship is all about? If you are unsure about him, then I get it about keeping such deep feelings to yourself. However, if you two have made some level of commitment to one another, it seems time to open up a bit? Yeah, it's his mom. If he had come to you beforehand and said he needed to do something for her but would love to meet up with you asap after, would you have been accepting of that? You might tell him.

On the other hand, if you aren't sure but want to give him some sort of chance, pull back as you are. Do your thing. Call the company and have them pick up and repair your snow blower. Hell, rent a truck and have a neighbor help your wrestle it on. Whatever you need to do to handle your stuff. I think I mentioned my sedan that broke down last year? I needed to put it in my garage until I could get it repo'ed. I used my new (to me) vehicle to push it in there myself, rather than asking NG to help me. I am not ready to let him into my financial situation that deep yet. Like your NG, he has had the experience of being taken advantage of by ex's and I am not trying to push those buttons. I asked NG to look at my garage door opener, which he did. I also asked if he would put up a light for me on the garage; he hasn't (there are extenuating circumstances -- he would need his work truck but the company he works for now has gps on their vehicles and I live like 40 miles away from him so they would know lol), even though I bet I have what he would need to put it up. I am considering going out and putting it up myself today or tomorrow and not saying anything. I have an event coming in January and I plan to invite NG to it but suspect because of his work hours that he won't be able to come. And that's okay. I am going to go and be fabulous, then post pictures on social media :)

We love, but we must live and be healthy as well.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #498 on: December 21, 2017, 12:30:47 PM »
I think he must, I got a little rude last night when we were talking on the phone and he said that they weren't waiting for me.  He asked me last night what was wrong and I told him I wasn't ready to discuss it.  After all, he is dealing with his own stuff. He does know that my late husband wasn't always there for me and has told me he is there for me. An easy thing to say.

Sure feeling like the Grinch. :(

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #499 on: December 21, 2017, 01:00:02 PM »
So sorry, Needytoo. Remember -- we don't live in each other's heads. You are right -- he may think he is there for you because his concept of that may be different from yours. Calling and generally staying in touch might be his way of 'being there' while actually being there is yours  ???

Nah, you aren't being a Grinch. Or maybe you are: the Grinch had a very big heart, after all.

It may be prudent, if this connection is worth it, to wait until after the holidays to have a deeper conversation.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #500 on: December 22, 2017, 07:35:24 AM »
Yesterday ended up being a little different.  One of my friends was having a Winter Solstice Party she invited me and NG, I just assumed NG wasn't coming and texted my friend and told her I would be arriving early since I was flying solo. 

NG text me at noon letting me know he is getting his kids for most of the holidays.  I am happy for him, hopefully, now they can get the all of this straighten out with the visitation  A few hours later he asked when I was going over to my friend's and I told him I would head over right after work, he then told me he wanted to go as well so I asked if he wanted me to wait for him so we could go over together or did he just want to drive himself (thought I would give him that option since he didn't want to wait for me the night before) he said he wanted me to wait for him and if I could bring his Mom to the library so he didn't have to.  I agreed and picked up his Mom after work, she said she was surprised that he was going out since he said earlier in the day he would be home for supper. I also told her I was surprised since I thought I was going solo. I even asked him, why the last minute change and he said he knows he has to do more of things I like.  We did have a great time.  Another friend at the party invited me over Saturday night and I said yes, and NG on the drive home was a little upset because he thought I would be spending the evening with him and his kids.  Oh well, I think it is for the best the kids need time with their father. 

We are both off work at noon today and he wants to come over to my place before picking up his kids.  I said sure but I have a repair guy coming in that is fixing the dishwasher and a friend that is coming by to look at my snowblower.  Took your advice Arneal and dealing with my stuff. 

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #501 on: December 22, 2017, 04:18:35 PM »
Good for you, Needytoo. Much of the dating material I've read indicates that there is a fine line between being available and too available in the early stages of a 'relationship'. It is hard to tell when the line has been crossed! Being perceived as too unavailable, and a potentially good match gets creeped out. Being perceived as too available, and we might end up taken advantage of and hurt. Communication is key, as is doing what you did, Needy, in my opinion. Sharing that we love our NGs (if that's not too strong a word here) but that we can get along on our own is important.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #502 on: December 23, 2017, 02:23:44 PM »
Hope that everybody is doing okay.  My in-laws and my kids are here, NG's kids are in town too.  Count down to Christmas - so far so good.  NG and I  are each doing our own thing and not co-mingling, not sure if I'll meet his daughters and that's okay.  NG and I talked this morning and he sounded stressed, I hope to get a chance soon to find out what's going on with him.  I let him know in a kind way that I have no expectations this holiday, other than family time and hopefully some good food.  :D  He told me that it bothers him that we're not continuing our relationship in a normal way right now, it does feel odd to have a change in routine because our families are here.

Needy  Yay for you on dealing with your stuff, bet it feels good to make progress and not rely on NG.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #503 on: December 25, 2017, 01:25:22 PM »
I'm a little disappointed with how my new guy is handling the holidays with me. I understand that the holidays are rough for people for different reasons, obviously I can relate, but barely any communication at all.  I guess I expected more...to much maybe.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #504 on: December 26, 2017, 09:27:20 AM »
Happy Christmas (Kwanzaa, Solstice ...) everyone! I made it to my mom's safe and sound. It is funny how places look different after a time away. I got so turned around, trying to drive to her house from the airport  ;D Fortunately the plane got it super-early so if I hadn't said I got lost, no one would have been the wiser!

So, milestone: I went to NGs on Saturday, determined to get a photo for my mom (or I'd never live it down, even though I could and did show her other photos on his social media). I did the usual, texted to say I was parked, and he was outside when I got to the door. He asked me if I'd brought my computer and I laughed, patted the pocket in my bag, and said 'like you gotta ask?'. We set up our computers to play the game we are both in and I was commenting about it. He was making fun of how enamored with the graphics and effects I was and said, 'My girlfriend is such a gaming noob' -- I tried not to grin my face off that he said it. So now I know. I waited until the end of the night and before he walked me to the car I said we had to take a photo. He suggested we sit in front of his Christmas tree. It wasn't a huggy-kissy sort of photo, just us sitting next to each other. My mom said I looked like I was going to burst; I realized after I had this cheesy grin lol. Anyway, he wanted me to text him to let him know my travel progress and when I landed and texted him that, he told me to tell my mom Merry Christmas and whatnot. I am planning to take a photo with my mom and text it to him with the one we took together. He did tell me my gift was going to be belated and I had already said the holiday isn't about all that; I think once we've been through losses like those of us here have, it's more about spending each day, being happy, rather than all the material stuff. But I am curious about what he's going to come up with. He does have very good taste so we'll see!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #505 on: December 26, 2017, 12:05:08 PM »
Woo HOO!  Made it through the Big Christmas Day! Now to get through NYE!

OK, not that bad.  After very little contact in 3 weeks, NG had kids from winter break starting to Christmas Eve at 8.  He took off time but I had to close up my work practice out of town.  Scheduling conflict.  WE finally got together briefly Friday, and my son taught his sons some coding with their new chrome books and robot.  Sat. we went on a cave tour (still not my thing), laser tag play as his son's birthday is today. We had his birthday dinner at MY house, as I have more space, and they hadn't been here for a month.   His mother made a cake, too.  It turned out nice.  Kids played video games for a while.  We had lunch on Christmas Eve and we chose to stay home, not go to church with them. NG invited me and my son over after he dropped his kids off to their mother, Christmas Eve. He was sad, ate almost a whole package of oreos with his bourbon.  YUCK.  His mother flew out Christmas Day and he went to Christmas Day dinner with me and my DS at my bestie's home  1 1/2 hr away.  My bestie's husband was my LH's best friend.  They are very welcoming to NG.  He stayed over, then , and we watched my favorite romance movie.  He had shared a couple of his favorites in the time frame we have dated. Different holiday than I have ever had. It was okay. My son is dealing well as we had NO family, a first ever.

NG and I had a long talk today about lots of things.  He listened well, and we talked about some ideas for the new year to help with contact. I explained I felt abandoned these last 3 weeks after I told him before Thanksgiving it is a dark time for me, and my mother just died, too.  He was logical, and I acknowledged what he said was true as far as time/schedule issues, but still, my feelings are important nevertheless.  He stated we had a good talk about things, and it is just going to be some inconveniences.  He is gearing up for court in March, and I  acknowledged he is going to be moody, as well, as he preps.  No great solutions, but talking.  So, see where this goes.

We had talked no presents, and he got me a necklace with a heart, my first present besides flowers and experiences together. So, will see what I can do  We haven't had a get-a-way since Feb. That is too long.  So I may plan that. 

The holidays.  Mind fields for sure. 

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #506 on: December 27, 2017, 06:29:34 AM »
Hey tybec - glad it went ... well? Sounds like you stood your ground and said what needed saying. That's a good thing.

My mom was so excited to see BFs (I can say that now :o ) photo. She couldn't wait to ask me about how we met and all that. It was fun telling her the story. While we were out yesterday, she decided she wanted to mail him a 'thinking of you' card just because. She had me write in it that she was sorry he couldn't have come with me. Made me glad to see she was so accepting, not that I doubted it but good confirmation, you know? I popped into the online game we are playing and caught a bit of chat with one of our other team mates; BF and the guy were writing about relationships and he wrote that I was the most down to earth woman he's ever dated. Wow ... yay, me  ;D

I went shopping yesterday for all sorts of food items that I can't get at home. I told him I was bringing a bunch of stuff back that we can have at new year's so we'll see how that goes.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #507 on: December 28, 2017, 10:37:44 PM »
Arneal- It sounds like your mom is happy for you.

Since I didn't hear much from my guy during the weekend I decided not to contact him. The last time we spoke was Sunday, and we texted Monday. I find it hard to believe that work is so busy and stressful this week that he can't send a 5 second text message here and there. Even though we planned on being together this weekend I'm starting to make other plans. We've been talking about NYE for weeks now because we have a bet going for the Vikings vs Bears game. It's been fun teasing each other about it. Honestly, even if he does want to get together this weekend I'm not sure I want to. We'll see.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #508 on: December 29, 2017, 09:22:04 AM »
Today is my wedding Anniversary.  Would have been 27th.  NG had time to burn this week,  and he swears he told me.  I swear I would have remembered that!  He is off today.  But I made plans to do some work stuff at my new job.  He saw me last night a couple hours but given he was off, he could have stayed at my place.  😑.  I just don’t understand it.  We are talking about it.  He is volunteering tonight at a homeless shelter so staying all night.  And then delivering meals in the a.m. for another organization.  All very honorable things but it is the holidays and his kids at at their mom’s and here I am.  He invited me to deliver meals tomorrow.  He has a list of chores but states I am on the schedule.  No definitive plans for NYE.  We are going out tomorrow night.  Last date night was November 11.  We have spent time together but not an adult date.  He is a very good man and great father.  He talks long term.  He sends me sweet memes about growing old together.  I still have to see about us long term.  Not sure if our ideas of how couples are will mesh.  (Have I mentioned my brother is a marriage and family therapist and he and my sil do communication seminars and marriage enrichment weekends? 40 yrs together.) I wonder if this could have lead to the demise of his marriage.  Good provider, volunteers, but wasn’t there for her emotionally or physically.  Idk. 

He has text me today, asking if I am ok.  That has been his Mode of Operation.  Just check in.  Keeping on. 

To a wonderful new 2018!

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #509 on: December 29, 2017, 03:15:33 PM »
Meh ..... this holiday stuff is making me question my relationship with NG.  We've seen each other once this past week, we're both managing visiting family, etc.  He's been good about keeping in touch but it's wonky, for lack of a better word.  We haven't exchanged Xmas presents yet and I'm thinking of telling him to forget about the gifts as it seems so anti-climactic at this point.  To add to the frustration - I did end up meeting both daughters on separate occasions, both were not happy to be there and it was obvious that NG forced them into meeting me.  It was painful to sit across the table with a 23 year old that refused to talk and was on her phone pretty much the whole time.  Is it unreasonable to expect something more from a 23 y/o?  Why would he force DD's into meeting me if they didn't want to be there?

NG mentioned New Years - we'll see.  :o
Have I told you lately how much I love you?