Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

For those in budding relationships ...

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I don't know if we qualify as budding anymore, as BF (N) and I have been together a little over a year. But the new(er)ness of it is one of the things that makes it very different from my relationship with Dan. I think we've moved, and are moving, at a very healthy pace. Dan and I were together for almost 15 years, lived together for nine, married for five. We started dating at twenty one, and we were only eleven days apart in age. There was a security that we built over that time. A reassurance that one fight or bad mood wasn't going to end it, a confidence that we were both in it for the long haul. And frankly, I miss that.

I think some of my anxiety stems from the fact that N has never been married or cohabited with anyone. So I worry about being too clingy, or pushing too hard. I don't remember worrying about those things as much in my early twenties. Maybe I should have, but I don't know that I did.

In many ways, I think N and I are more compatible. Or maybe it's a result of my widowhood and the circumstances surrounding it, that make me work harder at letting things go, which makes the relationship seem easier. Maybe it's both. Dan spent a lot of time I think trying to toughen me up; he didn't hold back and sometimes it came off hurtful. His perspective would be, "Why are you being such a bitch?" Because I really think he thought, "You're better than that." N's approach is different. Yesterday I was really stressed out, emotionally overwhelmed about some things. We were on an outing with his family. He noticed and commented that I seemed stressed out. I apologized, and he said there was no reason to apologize, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. Then when we got back to the house and I mentioned I hadn't really eaten much that day, he made me eat some pancakes.

For me, one of the hardest things has just been dealing with how radically different my life is from before Dan died. Our daughter was just three months old, so parenthood is a huge part of that change. Most of our life Dan and I were childless. I have a different job, am living in another state, am estranged from most of my old friends and family. And I have a boyfriend. I love him very much. But I also love Dan, and wrapping my head around that is hard sometimes.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

I'm still limping along with BF dealing with his depression. I've worked hard on getting him to a better place, but it's very slow going. I've made up my mind to give it until March and then make a decision on whether to continue or not.

You'd think after going on 2 years together we would know each other more deeply. I felt like we did, but so many things have come to the surface in the last two months. I realize there is so much we don't know about each other, and we have to learn how to communicate in a healthy way.

Maybe because we are past the "honeymoon" period? I married DH after only 6 months of knowing him, and that was a huge mistake. So I am glad to be going at a better pace this time.

He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure.

So yeah, this relationship stuff is pretty rocky right now. A big part of me knows it would be more healthy for me to move on, but then a big part of me loves him and I know he loves me, we need each other, we are good together. Ugh.

MrsDan -- I completely get your point about children; NG's youngest daughter lives with him but he's been talking more and more about moving further east (closer to work); she doesn't want to go because she would be further away from her mom and where she works. He is estranged from his oldest daughter and has been for quite some time. He shared about his kids early on and so did I; having a special needs adult child from an abusive marriage and being widowed twice would be a glaring deal-breaker for many so before I invested much I needed to share it. I don't see or speak to my son much but want to see him this year; he knows I am dating and asks me how it's going when I talk with him (it's felt weird having this conversation with my son and then I remember that he will be 22 in a couple months lol). Like you, this is a very different relationship. I married the first husband after ... I don't know what to call it -- it wasn't really dating, I guess just young and stupid connection. My second husband and I lived together for a few years since he was legally separated when we met and then got married; 16 years together and then it was gone.
The online gig was weird and now that NG and I have found a regular rhythm, I pray not to go back to it. Seeing him is cause for anxiety but it's fun as well. Like the teenage stuff I never did ...

DoE -- So sorry you are having some bumps with your NG. Yeah, determining the make-or-breaks is not as easy as some might think. Many of us have written about those things in terms of initial meet-ups and online dating (e.g., age differences, activity levels, and hobbies) but there are some things that don't come out right away, which is a double-edged sword as well. If we have something that might be considered a little touchy by others, we might keep them hidden or be reluctant to share it because we don't want to be rejected. Maybe whatever it was, was a poor decision, a mistake or on purpose. Regardless, we must have standards. Don't sell yourself short -- if you are uncomfortable, do what you need to do, friend -- either way.

Dof, don't think it's a "morality" issue that he had a short alliance with someone who was married. He has come forth and told you. Maybe she was looking to divorce, i.e. They were not getting along, etc. it's in the past, he obviously wants to be w you. If you don't let that fully go, you won't get past it. Me, I don't think one should say, well let's see how the next three months go, it is putting barriers up. If someone is not stuck on partners or situations of the past, it seems having doubts will only resurface, and negatively affect the future. Just a thought.


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