Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

For those in budding relationships ...

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Fiancee was all about "kids come first" at the beginning. He said it a lot in the first few months. I don't think that's the way it goes in a healthy relationship, but I gave him time. My marriage was not a very happy one. To my fault I focused way more on the kids and did not do enough to grow or repair our relationship. So I know too much of "kids come first" can be damaging.

Fiancee is more balanced now. Of course his kids are 3 years older than they were at the beginning too, and almost grown. I think he was just afraid in the beginning and it was a good barrier for him to put up to hold back from too much of a commitment too fast. Interesting the way things have evolved.

Captains wife:

--- Quote from: MrsDan on January 03, 2018, 03:51:56 PM ---
--- Quote from: tybec on January 02, 2018, 01:13:00 PM ---
I logically understand his circumstances, but then I emotionally want it all, which I have told him.  I told him my understanding is men will move mountains to get the women they want. He is moving mountains now for his sons.  It is all boiled down to if I can wait, do I want to wait, or not.  I told him I will let him go if it is too much turmoil as he doesn't need it, and I don't either. 

--- End quote ---

I think a lot of parents who are not widows have the mindset of "Kids kids kids above all else" mentality and while that seems admirable, losing my husband has drawn into sharp focus how critical that partnership was. Kids depend on us to look out for them. But our SOs have needs and vulnerabilities too. Before Dan died I would have told you that my daughter was the absolute center in my life, and that her needs superseded all others. Now I know how ridiculous that is. Dan was my best friend and partner for 14 years. His death gutted me. So I value my BF with the perspective that he doesn't quite have. I'm not expecting him to put my needs above his daughter's, but rather I expect him to balance them in a way that is healthy for everybody, and i try to do the same. He's made a lot of progress there. But when you're dealing with the court system and exes and all that  it makes things even harder. I knwo a lot of dads in particular feel backed into a corner.

--- End quote ---

Love what you said here.....there needs to some understanding of the SOs needs as well as the children. My NG always put his son ahead of everything at the beginning (he was in the midst of a custody battle admittedly) and I explained there needs to be some compromises on both sides to sustain a relationship. Luckily there has been evolvement.

You nailed it Mrs Dan, I plan on putting my next SO first, but right now  I feel deep down NG isn't quite there. He is very open but sometimes he makes promises to me but doesn't quite follow through (helping me around the house etc). We are still at the 6-month mark so things are very still new.  I took Arneal's advice and wasn't so accessible and took care of my own stuff. I never thought I would be one of those women who play at the "rules" game but I think there has been a shift in his attitude to please me. Guess I will take that as advancement.  :D

I would take his original attitude as what will come.  Advancement or "gotta step up to keep her" for now.....
Just sayin
Best of luck!!

My NG and I talked. He said everything I predicted he would. It was somewhat satisfying to know that I'm starting to read him already. I'm not sure where it will go from here. He said he feels like he doesn't have a lot to offer me right now. He's fresh out of a long term relationship and adjusting to being single again. We went out last night and talked a lot about how we're feeling, great conversation. We always have a great time together.

During the weeks that we didn't talk I started talking to a guy I dated before. We've been talking for over a year, been friends even longer. He worked with my LH. When we first started talking he was off and on with his then girlfriend. After he ended their relationship we went out a few times. He said he wasn't ready. Dating just didn't feel right. Now he feels ready and wants to go out.

I don't know if I want to date both. Honestly I prefer to date one guy and get to know him, build on that, see where it goes. Both asked me out tonight and here I am sitting at home.  I told both of them I was waiting for a friend to come over to look at my dryer, which is true.


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