Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 22805 times)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2017, 01:51:49 PM »
Can totally relate, daysofelijah; my first husband was abusive and was my first. I learned nothing about intimacy from him and like you, avoided it. My second husband taught me a lot but I think the residue of experience from my first marriage prevented me from really enjoying myself. Plus, with his health conditions, our sex life had been nonexistent for quite a few years. I really appreciate spending time with NG in that way :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2017, 08:54:43 AM »
"So, what kinds of pitfalls and pinnacles do others find themselves experiencing as they are growing new relationships? What do you want? What do you not want? Funny stories? Questions? Warnings?"

Good questions ! I have found myself in an interesting place after 4 years of serial dating and finally now in an early committed relationship that I think has the potential to be long term. But its so interesting getting to know someone intimately again, from scratch. And you never know what you'll find out during this journey. So far, so good - but who knows ? (Ive honestly seen almost everything at this point so I try not to think too far ahead). Daysofelijah - I hear you on the intimacy part....its so great to really find that.

BUT one thing I am finding out is that I have become so comfortable on my own with my son that I find the prospect of co-habitating again quite daunting. (Does anyone else feel this way?) I also remember the number of issues I had living with my LH and I'm in no rush to repeat that. I wish I could see NG more but there is also something nice about having my own space, and space with my son alone. I'm pretty independent, including financially. NG is a quirky guy (health nut, kind of eccentric, into his certain routes and way of doing things) so that has taken some getting used to since he has been staying over - but I like him a lot so it hasn't phased me really. He has brought up potentially co-habitating down the road but I feel myself very, very cautious about doing this (or even thinking about it) - especially as I can see that it would be me having to do all the accommodating (ie moving his way, which is even farther away from work for me, given his situation with his son and his ex). And given all the time I have invested in developing relationships in my community and given my son is in a great school (plus I don't deal well with change these days), I have doubts about wanting to relocate for someone - even if it is down the road and even if I am crazy about him. This is a big question mark that I don't know how to handle but I guess will cross that bridge when I really come to it.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2017, 08:57:57 AM by Captains wife »

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2017, 10:33:34 AM »
Captains wife, as someone who is recently cohabitating I can relate to all of your concerns.  I am definitely set in my ways and fiancé lived as a bachelor until age 47 except for a few short married years.  I worried about him not only sharing space and routines with me but with my 3 kids full time and his 2 parttime. 

We have definitely had some adjustments and compromises to make but honestly it is really nice to have another adult in the house to talk to, to eat dinner with, to share chores with and to fall asleep next to.

2 years of dating and then a few months of gradual "sleep overs" helped us but we didn't face any big decision of location.  His kids go to school in my town and he lived one town away so moving in with me was not a logistical issue. 

Glad to hear things are going well!
You will forever be my always.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2017, 05:11:28 PM »
Oh, boy, yes! The space thing!  ;D

When LH died, I panicked and at first considered hiring a live-in because I didn't want to be here alone. My son had been placed in a care home for men with special needs a year before LH died, my stepdaughter lives with her mom back east, and so this family of three humans dwindled to a family of one human in quick fashion. Also, I felt trapped all by myself, with no outlet because no one was around to care for my pups if I were to decide to take off. I posted elsewhere about having a conversation with my stepdaughter about coming to live with me and soon realizing that was a mistake (she is 30 and not particularly financially independent). I got past that and soon became VERY comfy here alone. I have my schedule and also have a great sitter for my animals now after developing connections with neighbors (you know I trust her if she has a set of keys and her own alarm code).

However, like you Captains wife, I find myself wanting to spend more time with NG. He often stays here overnight on weekends and once we spent a couple days together because I was taking to the airport for a work assignment. Full disclosure -- when he hugged and kissed me good bye at the airport, I cried on the way home. I soon started laughing about it, but wow, I never thought I would be so sappy! Anyway, he has mentioned wanting to buy a house but the market is hideous here. I haven't been so bold as to suggest he live with me, even though I've thought it. Then I think about how much I love my space. Then I think about the fact that I would still have it because he works all day and I work from home; the only things we'd have to negotiate time-wise would be my 4:30am mornings when I get up to go to the gym three days a week. And parking, since both my vehicles are in the driveway (I even figured out a way to solve that). Our acquaintance won't reach its year mark until Memorial Day weekend, so it's still very early in this thing and I am willing to let it play out as God will have it do so.

As a side note, today marks exactly one year since LH crossed the Rainbow Bridge. As much as I love(d) him, I woke, thinking 1) it's the first day of my birthday month and 2) of NG. Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2017, 09:24:26 AM »
I just passed 5 years the 20th.  I spent that weekend night with NG which helped tremendously.  Last weekend, he had his kids.  So, we did a blended weekend night with my son. My son and I stay in the MIL suite upstairs at this point with his boys being little, and that is most comfortable for now.  Anyway, went to church on Sunday, and I have been several times now with him.  But not with his kids. I am with my son, his kids and him, and I was so sad.  It was 5 years to the date I would have attended church on my own for the first time without my DH.  Why my brain was going there, I don't know.  Widow world......

So, at the end of the church, they sing an upbeat version of "I'll Fly Away."  I am holding it together.  My son is checking me out, and then gives me a hug.  This is the last song sung at DH's funeral, upbeat, by my two nephews.  Many have told me it was the perfect song for DH, and they will never hear it again without thinking of him.  NG is clueless of this, and singing and smiling and so happy hearing it. He is whistling it on the way back to his house.  HOW can this wonderful new relationship still have such strange times of sadness at unpredictable moments?  Just our world....

I am passed that feeling, thankfully, and we had our middle of the week time together. I guess it is just going to be that way.

MrsDan

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #20 on: February 03, 2017, 10:01:29 AM »
Tybec it is strange. And yet, it just is.

I am moving into this phase where I am really missing Dan's friendship and just him as a human being, not just as my husband or my daughter's father. I am very happy with my boyfriend, he is absolutely wonderful and it feels more and more, I don't know, normal to be in this relationship at this time of my life. But still, I miss Dan. I just miss him being in the world. I miss other people getting to spend time with him. I feel like I am feeling his family and friends' loss more acutely than ever, and, strange as it sounds, I'm finding it incredibly sad that he and my boyfriend will never meet.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #21 on: February 03, 2017, 10:49:19 AM »
MrsDan, 
 
You nailed it on so many levels. I know you shared you have moved elsewhere, too.  I think about how moving forward and away from my 22 yr. old home, community, and NO ONE knows my DH.  And, yes, I think NG and DH would have been friends.  And I miss the parts of DH that were so complementary of me that are not me.  How can it be, so much still comes to my head and heart?  How can you love a new person and have this attachment, story with another? 

I know others work through this with the board responses. Thank you for that.

PS Widow friend who lost her DH almost one month prior to my DH's death to a car accident, too.  She has been a relationship for 3 years. Lots of pictures on FB.  Well, 5 years just passed, and she put on her FB page they are in a relationship. We all know, as they are open.  But for some reason, that status change matters to somebody, maybe not her. 

MrsDan

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #22 on: February 03, 2017, 02:40:24 PM »

BUT one thing I am finding out is that I have become so comfortable on my own with my son that I find the prospect of co-habitating again quite daunting. (Does anyone else feel this way?) I also remember the number of issues I had living with my LH and I'm in no rush to repeat that. I wish I could see NG more but there is also something nice about having my own space, and space with my son alone. I'm pretty independent, including financially. NG is a quirky guy (health nut, kind of eccentric, into his certain routes and way of doing things) so that has taken some getting used to since he has been staying over - but I like him a lot so it hasn't phased me really. He has brought up potentially co-habitating down the road but I feel myself very, very cautious about doing this (or even thinking about it) - especially as I can see that it would be me having to do all the accommodating (ie moving his way, which is even farther away from work for me, given his situation with his son and his ex). And given all the time I have invested in developing relationships in my community and given my son is in a great school (plus I don't deal well with change these days), I have doubts about wanting to relocate for someone - even if it is down the road and even if I am crazy about him. This is a big question mark that I don't know how to handle but I guess will cross that bridge when I really come to it.

We've talked about this very generally, basically that we've both thought about it potentially happening down the road. In our case, unless we decided to both relocate together, we would come to live with me (He lives in a rental with his brother and I have my own house). We've talked about the fact that it would have implications for his custody arrangement, but haven't really discussed it further than that.

We only live about thirty minutes apart, and he works nearby a few days a week (he has several jobs). Because of his work and the fact that we're both single parents, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Currently he usually spends the night about once a week. He has said he would like to more, and I would like that too. I love being with him. For me, it's not so much a question of giving up space, but rather autonomy. I mean, I make all the decisions about my house, my dogs, my kid. Dan and I sometimes clashed about décor, or repair priorities, or the dogs. This place is really my own, and I recognize that I would have to adjust to giving up some of that. If he lived in the house with them, I feel like he'd also have the right to have more of a say in my dogs, and that I think would be a bigger adjustment for me.  We are slowly getting him more involved in DD's discipline. They have a good relationship, but I've recently given him a bit more room in terms of correction and discipline after he expressed that he didn't want to overstep. And of course, the two weekends his daughter is with him would be with us as well. Which would be an adjustment for us all as well. What would our parenting look like? Would we continue to be the main point person for each or our kids? Or would we trade off on parenting duties, regardless of who's kid it is, like getting up in the night when they have bad dreams, for example?

Of course with the sacrifice of autonomy comes a whole set of rewards. I have control of the house, but that means all the stuff goes wrong is on my shoulders. It would be nice to share that burden.

And quite frankly, despite the fact that I have about a billion other responsibilities, I like taking care of him. And being taken care of. Making him lunch on those days after he's spent the night. Him making phone calls to find out things I need to look into but can't find the time. I do think the benefits are such that cohabitation seems possible, even likely down the road.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #23 on: February 03, 2017, 03:45:07 PM »
MrsDan -- your post made me smile about the dogs. My boy nips at NG; he's about 80lb and even though he is three, he's just a big baby. He likes thinking he's the Alpha. I had no problem telling NG to pop him on the snout if he nips again, but thinking of the possibility of sharing space, of sharing the pups 24/7, is an interesting premise. I gave that more thought, honestly, than I did to introducing NG to my son (who doesn't live with me)  :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #24 on: February 04, 2017, 07:39:55 AM »
So our dog has always been extremely attached to me, wouldn't go downstairs in the morning unless I went down too, wouldn't go up to bed without me (he sleeps in his bed on my bedroom floor), wouldn't eat unless I was in the kitchen.  You get the idea.  I was always his #1 and DH and the kids were not even a close second.  Now enter fiancé and I have been tossed to the curb!  Ok, I am a close second but fiancé is clearly #1. The dog literally jumps up and hugs him when he comes home and is attached to him at the hip.  Who knew an 8 year old dog could change his allegiance so easily?!  Honestly it makes me love fiancé that much more, nothing sexier than a guy who loves kids and dogs😉
You will forever be my always.

daysofelijah

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #25 on: February 04, 2017, 10:29:52 AM »
The dog thing is funny. I'm on the opposite side. BF has a big, hairy, spoiled 80 lb. dog. I tolerate him and try to be nice, but being pet-less for the last 5 years has made me less accomodating of them. Dog thinks I'm great though and is always trying to snuggle, sniff, and love on me. I don't know why. BF says he just wants me to like him, lol.

I hate that the dog is allowed everywhere though, on all furniture and sleeps in BFs bed. Yuck, but again I tolerate b/c I know BF loves that darn dog.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2017, 12:49:23 PM »
That is interesting, daysofelijah -- I used to let my dogs go everywhere, including sleep on my bed. I had to keep them out when LH got very sick because he was on oxygen and whatnot. I started again after he died because that California King was just too empty. However, when NG started coming over, I knew they weren't used to other people. They are for my protection, after all. It's only recently that he's talked to them and most of those have been accidental (when they would break out of their enclosure and rush him ... not a good impression  ;D). I keep them out of my bedroom now, even when I'm by myself. I want him to like them but I also want to respect his feelings about how he engages with them.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2017, 03:11:34 PM »
Uggghhh.....  this new relationship stuff can be so hard.  NG and I have spent pretty much every kid free weekend he has together since starting to date in March.  Coming up a year!  So, this past weekend, my kid had stuff Friday night, Sat. all day, Sunday morning and then Sunday night.  Busy.  I couldn't leave town truly.  He had made commitments for Sat. morning and Sunday night, too.  So, he didn't come see me though I could not get to him, which I choose to do mostly.  I am bothered he didn't choose to come see me.  He drives daily 77 miles one way to work.  I know he gets so tired, and I don't ask him to drive to see me, another 70 miles.  My head tells me it was just logistics, and he needed to rest, and he did all kinds of catch up things, too.  My heart feels sad he didn't choose me, still.  SO Middle school like but nevertheless, still feeling it.  Blah....

PS  My two kittens I got a year ago last Christmas have issues with NG.  When he is here, the male one, who is big, scratches and meows sometimes every hour on the shut bedroom door.  The cat does not when I am in here by myself.  It is awful.  Stupid cat.....but me and my son love them.


MrsDan

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #28 on: February 07, 2017, 07:24:03 PM »
Tybec I hate those middle school feelings, and I am prone to them, I think, because I tend to bend over backwards to degrees that others won't. My boyfriend has to do a lot of driving. He has several jobs and has to ping pong around a lot. A couple nights a week he works near me, so I usually get to see him then, and then I usually get a sitter once a  week. Because of his work schedule, the nights we see each other tend to be clustered together, like Thursday Friday, then not again until the following Thursday. Which we've both stated we don't like but there it is. We only live about 30 minutes apart, but I can't pick up and go over there unless I have a sitter. And because he's a music teacher, he has to spend a lot of his off time, prepping, responding to emails. He's busy, stretched to the limit. I get it. But I miss him. I was supposed to get a sitter tomorrow night, but DD is sick so depending on how she's doing that might not happen.

BF loves dogs but hates when they kiss or lick and my boy dog is the biggest kisser in the world. My girl, she's more stealthy about it, like she'll casually rest her head on your lap then lick your knee. And BF just does not like it. I don't get it. I mean, I know it's gross, but I just don't understand the level of disgust.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #29 on: February 08, 2017, 11:16:06 AM »
I've gone from a non-caring attitude, to having some dating success lately.  I love the idea of love, being in a relationship, the intimacy, closeness, sharing secrets, history, turmoil and joy.  I need a man that can take control, make plans, follow through, be there.   I found a guy - he's my foodie soulmate, we're socially and politically on the same page, read and discuss similar books.  He's active, funny, polite, a great Dad from what I can tell.  All this I've discerned in a couple of weeks.  Damn though ..... I'm not attracted to him.  I've given this a chance, but nothing.  There's no desire for a kiss, I don't want to jump his bones.  Sad to have to let this one go - sigh.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?